Friends, 2013 and Christmas

I'm slowly accepting that not many people like me anymore. I mean, I miss having lots of friends and being able to sit with them at school and all but I don't miss having to try and be someone else so they still like me, if that makes sense? 

It's almost the end of 2013, let's just go over this year. 

Good things in 2013:

I recovered

Me and jazz got stronger and closer

I made up with Nigel

Mum had a baby

I made friends with Jordan

I got closer with jam

I kinda found myself 

I got closer with mum 

I made friends

Bad things this year:

I ruined things with Chelsea

I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship 

Grandpa rob died

Nan got ill

I upset a lot of people 

And a lot more

I guess, 2013 has been pretty shitty but I've been left stronger at the end of it. I mean, I've recovered. Chances are there were a lot more good things than that, but I guess the bad things always stand out more. Onto friends. 

Friends I've made this year:

Jordan

Jam(was that this year I think it was idek) 

Alice

Millie Doyle 

Marie(twitter)

Chantelle(twitter)

Katie(twitter) 

Morgan(?) 

Frankie

Christine 

Emilie(?) 

And probably some more

Friends I've lost/almost lost/think I may of lost:

Chelsea

Chardae

Millie

Deanna(?) 

Charlotte

Sophie 

Jordan 

Jam(almost, sorry, pls don't hate me)

And more

People I have now that I feel I could hang out with: 

Jazz

Jordan

Jam

Alice

Chantelle(but I can't:c)

Marie(but I can't:c)

Mia

Tigs

And some more

People I have now that care and I feel I could talk to about stuff:

Jazz

Mia(?) 

I don't blame anyone but myself for how many friends I have lost this year. I am fully aware that it's my fault because I don't think before I do/say things and my bad thoughts cause me to push people away. If I could change the way I am I would do anything to do it. My sadness makes me loose friends because I shout a lot for no reason. 

I think this year the two things that effected me most was my grandad dying and everything with Chelsea and co, but the Chelsea stuff was more because it was on top of a lot of other bad things going on at the same time and I just ended up being called an attention seeker a lot. 

Christmas

Okay so, today I found really hard. At my Nan's Christmas  party, my grandads boyfriend was here but obviously, Grandpa Rob wasn't. It didn't seem the same him not being there. Even if he never really said much, it was so nice him just being there but this year he wasn't. I really struggled with that. Also, my auntie not being there, it's not her fault that she's disabled and can't get down here but I would love to have her there for Christmas. 

On the bright side, I had a nice time with my family and got lots of lovely things. 

That's all I guess

C'ya when I next bother lmao

#festive 

I'm shit

I'm overattached

I'm annoying

I'm clingy

I make mistakes 

I'm sorry 

All I want is to make you happy 

To help you and keep you safe 

To look after you

I'm sorry I'm so clingy, it's just, sometimes I need to hear your voice before I go to sleep, I need to hear you telling me you love me and that it's okay to be scared. I'm sorry I'm being so selfish tonight, I really don't mean to. You mean so much to me, just the sound of your voice can put a smile on my face. 

I need you baby, I need you now. I need you to kiss me and tell me you love me. I need you to cuddle me and sing me to sleep. 

I'm a selfish bitch, I know

But I just need you

I'm sorry 

This isn't a suicide note.

I've been such a shit to everyone lately, I haven't been showing how proud of them I am or anything because I'm not good at letting my feelings out and telling them. So here we go...

Alice: thank you so much, you're so lovey to me all the time and you give fabulous hugs. I know things are hard for you, I don't know how you're doing with silly things, if it's better or worse, no matter what I'm proud of you for being alive. I know I'm younger than you, but I feel like I need to look out for you, you're like my big sister. You give me cuddles every morning when you get to school and they're so lovely, thank you. Never go Alice, you're so strong. You've been through so much shit and you don't deserve any of it. Well done, you're an inspiration. Love you Alice x

Jam: you're great. I'm a shit to you a lot of the time and I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry I never tell you how proud of you I am, I'm really really proud. You're so strong, with everything going on with your family, money, food, everything you have been so strong and you will stay being super strong. I know you can get through this. Thank you for being there for me all the time too, you have contributed to helping me be strong and get to (v nearly) 6 months. Thank you for being my best friend and sleeping round my house and making the pact with me(it's helped me more than you know). I love you man, keep eating, keep clean and keep strong x

Oscar: Chances are you won't see this, unless I get up the courage to send it to you or someone else does. I'm so proud of you, you're doing so well with everything that's going on for you. Things will be okay, they will get better and you will get through it all. Again, I don't know where you are with self-harm, all I can do is hope you've stayed strong through all of it. Thank you for letting me cry on you that one time and for cuddling me for a while. You're like my big brother and I've always wanted one hehe. Stay strong man, ily x

Tigs: you're so pretty and strong and wow. I know things are hard, food wise and general mood wise and that makes me so sad:( you don't deserve to be sad at all, you're so lovely and nice and you have helped me more times than I can even say. You're so selfless and you always want to help others and it's so lovely. You have saved my life before, thank you so much. I'm proud of you for anything you have eaten today, or the day before or tomorrow or any day in the future. You're not fat, you may feel it but you're not. You are perfect just the way you are. You deserve food and happiness and I am here for you no matter what. Love you Tigs x

Mia-Rose: you're so strong, like seriously. You've been through so much shit and I'm so proud of you for still being here. Thank you for being my best friend for so long and I'm sorry for all the times I have made you feel sad, suicidal, anything bad, I'm sorry. You deserve to be happy Mia and I know you're going through a tough time right now(I hope that's over) but you're going to get through it because you're strong. I miss you so much. You've saved my life more times than I can say and thank you so much for that. I'm proud of you. Love you Mia x

Starla: you're so pretty and lovely and awh. I wish I was closer with you because you seem pretty swaggy and hip. I'm super jealous of you which sucks but yeah. I'm proud of you x

Jazz: so, I saved you till last because I have so much to say. Sure, I've probably said it all to you before but I'm gonna say it all again. I love you, so much. I'm so so proud of you, 116 days is so so good and you can keep going. I know things are hard for you, with your mum and food and silly urges but you can fight it all. Sure, there might not be much we can do about your mum at the moment but you can fight the sadness. I'm so proud of you for still being alive. Thank you for being in my life, thank you for saving me over and over. Before I met you I was so sad, so so sad and you have saved me from myself more than anything. If it wasn't for you I would've given up so long ago. You keep me strong and you keep me fighting. You're so perfect, I know you don't believe it but you are. I think you are and so does everyone else. 

Well done princess, keep fighting, I love you forever and always x

faggot alert

Hi
I'm in love
With this girl I met about 11 months ago
We met on a site called twitter
I really really love her
I'm not very old
Most people would say I'm not old enough to actually know what love is
but I do
I really really do
Love is that feeling in your tummy when you're going to see them
Love is wanted to be with them every second of every day
Love is being there for them, no matter what
Love is you
Love is me
Love is us
Now
I know I'm a bit of a faggot
But I just really love this girl
When I first met up with her
On the 24th of August 2012
Outside her house
She came walking across the road
I saw her perfect face and I think I died
I was a mixture of jelousy and love
Before her I never really believed in love at first sight
But now
I'm not too sure
Since that day she has saved me more times that I can count
Shes saved me from my step-dad
But most of all
She saved me from
Myself
I knoe sometimes she forgets
But she really is perfect
And I love her so so much
So Jazz
When you read this
Please smile
And remeber
I love you

thank you

I'm a warrior

Hello, I'm Kathryn March but most people call me Katie Wallis. for about 2 years I have struggled with self-harm. For about 1 and a half years I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and for about 1 year I have struggled with Bulimia. I'm gonna start with self-harm.

I remember my first cut, I was laying on my bed and then someone told me they had cut themselves. I remember thinking 'wow, wouldn't that hurt?' then when they told me how they done it and how it made them feel I thought 'Maybe that would make me feel better'. I stood up and walked over to my desk and picked up some scissors and used them to scratch at my hand. I felt a sudden release, kinda like an adrenalin rush. Thats when it started. Its not this persons fault. Mia blames herself for me starting this but I'm telling you now, this person wasn't her. From then on i done it for about a month then stopped for 2 months then I started again but it was worse this time. I would only cut on my left arm, never my wrist or legs because I was scared. As time when on it got worse and worse until I was cutting every day, it spread to my legs, tummy, hand, anywhere I had space. 2 months and 29 days ago I made my last cut. I consider myself a recovered self-harmer now. I hardly think about it, I never get urges and its hard to trigger me most of the time. I do show my scars, I am not ashamed. They are part of me and its in the past now.
I beat it, so can you.

Suicidal thoughts, well, where do I start. I can't remember the first time I really wanted to die. The first one I recall was when my mum had gone out to get drunk and I was home alone with Nigel. I was up in my bedroom, I walked downstairs, got a packet of ibprofen, went upstairs and took them. when i had none left, i went downstairs, put the empty packet on the side and wrote a note saying I'm sorry. Nigel found it and came upstairs and asked me what it was about, I told him i had 'done something stupid' and he called my mum and googled what he should do. My mum came home and gave me a hug but didn't really say anything. I can't remember what caused this attempt but whatever it was, I hate it. The suicidal thoughts have carried on and still haven't left. I am stronger now. I have attempted suicide about 18 times, I think but I can't remember the last time I did.

Bulimia, wow. I remember the first time I actually purged. I admit, I used to pretend I did, I was an attention seeker and I am sorry. I also admit, I was Pro-Mia and I did give myself an eating disorder and it was the worse decision I ever made. I can't remember the date but we had the whole family down for something. I ate a roll with chicken and mayo and then went upstairs and purged. I used a tooth brush because I didn't want to destroy my fingers. From then on I purged after most meals and I used to binge so I could purge. I don't now why, it seems so stupid thinking about it now. Why would I eat all of that if I hated eating then make myself throw it up? Did I like the feeling it gave me? I can't of. It just made me tired and gave me a sore throat. Anyway, I haven't purged in god knows how long, I haven't fasted in ages and ages.
I beat it, so can you.

I'm not saying I'm a really happy person now but I am saying I'm better. I still get suicidal, or often than not I want to die. I'm still sad most of the time but I don't make myself sick anymore and I don't self harm.
I have a few people I need to thank, honestly I wouldn't of done it without them. So thank you: Jazz, Jam, Mum, Chantelle, Alice, Mia, Eloise, Melissa, Emma, Mr. Sangstar, Oscar, Sue, Natalie, Jai, Chardae, Chelsea, Ashley, Millie and everyone else who has ever talked to me when I was sad, distracted me when I wanted to self-harm, looked after me when needed. Just, thank you.

I am strong
I am better
I am a warrior

<3

-feelings-

Wow blogging I haven't done this in a while. I dont know what to write so I'm gonna copy and paste something I put on my tumblr:

Its actually really hard because last week no-one knew how bad I am at the moment and now people know they still don’t really care

I just feel like I’m not really anyones first choice or someone else is always more important than me

I’m probably just being selfish

but I just want someone to really care you know? Ive spent so long just putting the way I feel bad and pretending I’m okay so I can help others but no-one would ever do that for me. I guess I can’t expect anyone too, I don’t expect anyone too i just idk

I’m just so sad and suicidal all the time at the moment and its killing me, you know? I havent overdosed/attempted in so long and I miss the rush that you get when you know you could be dead by the time you wake up. I want that, I wan the rush, I want people to worry about me, I want someone to try and stop me but no-one takes me seriously, everyone just thinks I’m attention seeking. I’m not, well, i am but I’m not. I want somebody to care and try to make me feel better but I want to be left alone to die 

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so stuck and suicidal and alone

None of this has really changed since i posted it but its not important. The most important thing right now is to help Jazz through all of this shit going on for her. 

i love you jazz

Am I asleep? no I'm alive

I go to the upper on tuesday, I'm so scared you don't even realise. I'm trying to hide how scared I am because I know Jazz is more scared than I am and I need to help her but vfhjvngfhxvn.
I think the main reason I'm scared is because the last site swap I did fucked up everything and then I left but I know that isn't an option this time. I'm not just scared though, i'm excited too. I'll get to see Alice everyday and maybe I'll even make some new friends??? idk. I went on a tour last wednesday and its massive, I can remember where the science rooms are and the art rooms and maths and english are in the tower block and so is History but i'm still scared of getting lost and stuff. I don't know, I don't want to end up getting bullied by older kids or something.

I've become overly attached to my mum. Last night she went out and I was crying for about an hour because I didn't like to be at home without her. Lately shes been helping me so much, shes been there whenever I needed her and I've grown to trust her alot more than I used too. Sure, things are shitty at home with Nigel but I just love to be around my mum.
I used to get home sick, I would never stay sleeping at someones house because I just hated not being at home and I think its coming back. I ended up going home from jazz's house because something happened on the way and I didn't feel safe anywhere unless I was around my mum. I'm trying to sleep at jazz's house again tonight[maybe] and i think I'll be okay, I hope so anyway.

In the upper im doing: English, Maths, Science, IT, RE, History, Photography and DT
I'm glad I got most of the options I picked, I just hope I'm in some of jazz's lessons considering I'm being moved out of her form. I would love to be able to be with her at times when its not just break and lunch.

goodbye xo