Just be true to who you are..

Two posts in one day, lucky you.

I feel like all of my friends are suffering in some way, well, all of them are. Anyone im close with and even someone I'm not close with are all suffering and it hurts me so much. Knowing there is nothing I can do to help any of them. Sometimes it just feels like I don't really have anyone to turn to because they all have there own problems. I feel so alone in general. I want to help each and every one of you(Jazz, Mia, Mia, Starla, Sophie)but I don't know how. But as a friend, its my place ot try and help, right? I can't just let them fall and not at least try to be there to catch them. Its not fair on them. They have always been there for me, I don't see why I can't do the same for them. I've only just realised this, but yeah, I needed to put it somewhere

I wanna be a bottle blonde, I don't know why but I feel conned

Why can't I do it? One day, for fuck sake. Its never been hard before, whats changed? I wish my friends all knew, I wish they would all stop me from eating whenever I want to. I want to starve. I feel so messed up writing this, all I really want is to be skinny, all of my friends are and I'm just that fat fuck that can;t even go a day without eating anymore. I will start again tomorrow, I know this is fuck up and I know you won't agree to this but, Mia, if you read this, if I want to eat at school, please stop me. Tell me its not worth it. Please, please, please..

(Stole this from someone else but I love it)

'Ankles together, thigh's apart if you can't see your collar bones you know where to start, you hip bones should starve and your rib bones remark ' your skinny and perfect that's who you are'

Do you wanna know a little irony about me?

I don't know if I should share this little irony about me

We've never really been 'close'. Suddenly I just feel the urge to try and help you, you don't deserve this. You are so kind and lovely you deserve happiness. I will try to talk to you as much as I can&help you, like I tried to today. I hope this will work, I hope this phase passes soon because it pains me to see you like this.

But its funny

'cause my heart started beating

it never had before today..

JAZZ HEY LOOK.

Anyone else can ignore this lol

You keep trying to get inside my head, While I keep trying to loose the words you said

I don't want to be here, with you in this house. you make me want to be sick yet I have to see you everyday. I'm scared of her going out and leaving me with you again, I'm scared of what you will say, what you will do. I can't even tell anyone, they won't believe me, they will think I'm attention seeking. I can't tell mum because I don't want to hurt her, so what are my options? I have none. I will have to stay here, living in this hell with him. Waiting for the next comment, the next joke, the next bit of violence.. 

Little girl terrified,

She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal

I don't mean to make you feel that way, like you are second choice. I don't mean to upset you by being alive. I don't mean to hurt you in any way, but I do, don't I? Just be existing hurts you. Everything I do hurts someone. I want you to tell me I would be better of dead. I want you to be honest and say how much eaiser things would be for you if I was never born, if we never got close. I'm the reason you get so much anon hate, Its because of me, what I turned myself into. I'm sorry that I have made things harder for you, hopefully I wont be alive much longer.

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all 

I knew trying to stop would be hard, I never thought it would be this hard. I don't have a choice but to stop now, do I? I have no blades, no way of doing it, even if I wanted to. Over the last year and a bit I have ruined my body, left scars everywhere that aren't going to heal. Scars that my children will ask me about, scars that will always remind me the I was this person. 

She gave it her best, she tried to fit in, she tried to be cool but she could never win,

Her mum says she great, the kids think she's weird, honestly she wish she could disappear.

I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night

Have you ever been the cause of someone wanting to/trying to end there lives? Its not a good feeling, one of the worse to be honest. I'm never going to forgive myself, for making you feel this way. I never meant for you to find them, the twitter or the tumblr. I dont understand how you did. Anyway, please, stop blaming yourself for my fuck up. You didn't put the blade in my hand did you? You didn't tell me to do it? It was my choice.

'Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect'

-Demi Lovato

On a much lighter note, I have had the most amazing day ever. The throwing away of the blades, the cuddles on my bed while watching mean girls, the spooning after the film, everything was just perfect. Everything is when I'm with you, it feels like nothing can get me down, not even the people in my head. I love you, so much..

I know I should forget but I, can't.

Today has just been so terrible. It's been one thing after another, from breaking my family apart, to cutting at break, and then boys joking about self ha in science. Days like this make me want to stop going. Make me want to stop being alive.

I knew it would happen soon&i knew it would be my fault. It always is. I'm always the one to set you off, aren't I? I guess knowing that you are coming back I should be happy about but I'm not. In a way I guess I wish you weren't coming back. I wouldn't have to spend all my time being scared of if you are going to flip out again.

Why would you joke about that? How stupid are you? You don't know who could be going through that. Who you could be hurting. Unless you have been through it, you won't understand it. At least he apologised, you didn't. You saw me running out crying, you knew it was because of you. I hate you

I need to stop taking the to school but the thought of not having them if I needed them scares me. I know it's wrong, I know it's messed up, but I can't stop. I've tried. I have. But I miss it when I do try. I miss the scars and everything about it(I use this blog as a diary a lot of the time so I won't apologise for coming across as attention seeking bc idc) anytime I try to stop I convince myself that a few more cuts won't hurt, a few more scars.

I'm a lightweight, better be careful what you say.

I want to change, during october. I'm not happy with who I am so I need to change. That's right, isn't it? I need to get rid of these terrible habits, I will change the way I act. I will start going to school more. I won't push my best friend away this time. I will get better, while doing that I will get to 7 stome. I will change the way I look, I will get my hair in a way I like it, I will sort out make-up to try and make me like my face. YEAH, MOTIVATION.

Okay, I know I blog about her to much but ahhh, everything with Jazz is perfect. She is perfect. She is the only person who can really cheer me up now, who can make me feel like I still have a reason to carry on. I've pushed everyone else away but I'm so glad I still have her and I love her ok.

Right ok bai bai.