I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I shouldn't have it planned out, I know it wrong but I do. I don't know when it will happen but soon its going to all get to much and I will give in the the voices, I know it. I will cause arguments, just so no-one would miss me.I will make everyone hate me. Then, after a couple of days I will just disappear. No-one will notice, no-one will care because they all hate me. After that if I don't succeed everyday I will try again, I will keep going till I finally get what I want. 

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh..

I keep looking at my photo album of pictures of us. I miss us being close, you know? But I guess its better this way. I thought us being not as close would cause less arguments but I don't think it will. I keep getting annoyed at the tiniest thing. One day I'm not gonna be able to stop myself and I will just kick off, I know it. I apologise in advance for that. I hate the thought of us not being friends yet I can't handle feeling like I'm not as important to you as everyone else. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough to be your friend, like you used/feel like with George. I feel like you're so much better than me, I feel like you belong with George&Euan and all of them and I just follow you around and thats not what I want to do. I just want to feel good enough for you.

And we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

Well my fast failed, haha. I'm doing a new thing now, it should make me loose 5lbs. Then  can just do that and evantually get where I want to be. I'm not gonna give up, I will keep going until I get there. I'm sure. I will get everything I want.

• Hipbones
• Thigh gap
• Collarbones 
• Skinniness

'Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel'

'Calories can'y make you happy'

                                                                                                                        But here we are

We're here tonight..

Its Saturday tomorrow. I get to see Jazz tomorrow. Tomorrow Jazz can fix me. She can make it better, she can make me realise that I don't deserve to die&that I do have a reason to live. She can do it, she always can. I just need her, she is my world, I would be dead without her. She can make me change my mind, right? I just need her to hug me&tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me it will be okay and that I can get through this. I need her to tell me this isn't the end.

I wanna be drunk when I wake up, on the right side of the wrong bed

This might end up being really long idk doing it from my phone though.

I will start tomorrow, I will continue until I can't even stand. From now on, water and diet coke will be my best friends. No more than a net of 100 and if I go over I will punish myself, it's the only way I'm going to learn. I will get to my GW then I will get to my UGW if I try hard enough, right? I will not show weakness. I will make excuses for not eating. I can do this. Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel.


I'm going to stop talking to her, it's obvious that me getting close with her is hurting you so I will stop. I don't want to hurt you because after all she was your friend first, I never should of got close with her. I knew it would hurt you yet I done it anyway, I'm sorry for being such a terrible person to you. But I hope you too get close again&i won't get in the way.

I don't want to go back there but in a way, I do. I will be able to get assessed and everyone will finally realise I'm not just being stupid, I'm not just sad. They can give me tablets and get me out of this hole. They can make me better, right? I just have to say the right things, make sure I don't make myself sound happier than I really am this time. I'm pretty sure the only reason they at doing this is because of everything I said to mum yesterday morning
'It's just another reason I don't want to live'
'Im not just being stupid, I genuinely want to die'
Ergh I'm so stupid, why would I even say that? I've made things 100x worse for her.

I'm still waiting for these to heal, i don't care of its been like 2-3 days, I need them to go away. I'm fed up of panicking when I hear my family come home because I don't have a jumper on. Thing is, say that I guess really I don't want them to heal, as soon as they do I will just want them back am everyone knows I have no self-control hen it comes to this.

Anyway, life is a poo ok bai.

Just another thing I fail at.

I didn't mean to. I lost control. I couldn't do it anymore. I've let everyone down. I'm sorry. Don't tell me it's all part of recovery because its not. I took the blade to my skin. I done it. I didn't stop myself. I knew it was wrong, yet I didn't stop. I'm sorry.

First relapse; 14/10/12

Just open up, like a page in a book

AEGHISUZVAKSNA. SO MANY FEELS. This is gonna make no sense but hey, welcome to my brain.

Happy because I had an amazing time with jazz cuddling till I fell asleep, holding hands at bonfire blergh we are so cute but now she's going on holiday so I can't see her for a week. Sad because not gonna be able to see jazz and school on Monday so no friends and gonna be lonely and yeah. Angry because no-one wants to be with me at school and talking to you always makes me like this. Suicidal because nothing seems to be getting better. I have always told myself it will but it isn't and I don't know why, to me being suicidal isn't a big deal because its something I feel at least once a day, obviously if someone else feels like that it's a massive deal and I would try to help them but for me it just feels like any other feeling idek. Excited because in a week I will be able to see my baby again. Jealous because you would rather be with him, you even tweeted thy you don't need anyone else as long as you have him. Making me feel like shit, thank you:)) SO MANY URGES EWEWEW.

I just have all these feels and no-one to talk to about them I just BLERGH HATIN' LIFE WOO OK BAI

Hello, I'm Katie and I'm messed up.

This will probably just be a short post but, hello, anyone who is reading this. I'm Katie, I struggle with depression, anxiety, self harm and my family tell me I have EDNOS but I don't believe them. I need somewhere to write down my feelings so I choose a blog. I know Thai should of been my first post but I don't care. So hey, welcome to my life.

I've been in such a good mood all day, but then I called Sophie. I realised that I have no-one at school to hang around with now. Sophie will be with Sam and I HATE Sam. Mia will be with George and I don't like George so really, I'm alone. I will be that freak that sits with her form tutor at break because no-one wants her with them. I'm not say I don't understand why, I mean, I'm annoying and stupid. I'm bossy and mean. I'm fat and ugly. People should be embarrassed to be around me, they probably are to be honest. I spend so much time getting out of school just so I don't have to face it. Even when I do have people to be with I still know, secretly, they don't want me there.

Im Katie and I'm a freak
Goodnight.

Its been a month, you know?

A month since I was at the hospital
A month since I ran to you crying
A month since I had to sit in the medical room and show them my cuts
A month since done it in front of my friends and no-one noticed
A month since I hid in the toilets trying to to make a sound
A month since my mum told me she could slap me
A month since I spent the day wishing it was still going to work
A month since I go in a ambulance with the medical room lady from ym school
A month since I spent the day crying
A month since I had to explain to everyone that I was addicted to harming myself
A month since I ruined any trust my family had in me

A month since you didn't care

A month since I was laying on the hospital bed, you staring at me in disgust..

One month, 4 week, 28 days, since failure..

I know today going to be hard&I guess that's what scares me the most. How I'm going to get through it without thinking 'What if I was to do it again?' 'Would anyone notice this time?' But I can do it right? I can get through the day without doing it again, I probably won't go to school considering I've have 4 hours sleep, if that and am sitting here doing a blog post. I wish I still had my blades, I don't want to use them, I use want them there just in-case I needed them. The scars on my arm are fading and it scared the hell out of me, my leg still looks the same, fat as ever. Ont he bright side, Jazz has made today a whole lot better, I love you so much..

This bit was all jumbled up sorry, I just, idek.

Woah, everything's happening tonight, isn't it? From now on I'm giving up on myself. I will sort myself out when I have helped everyone else, I'm not important anyway. Each one of you that I mentioned in my last post I will try to help in some way, and then when I feel I have helped everyone I will start focusing on recovering myself. Obviously I will still be trying while helping other people but I won't be trying as hard. This was a pointless post tbh and I will do another one tomorrow at some point.