lol lost my temper

Its getting worse again, I hate myself more and more everyday. I have panic attacks when I have to go out because I know everyone will laugh at how disgusting I am. My make-up always goes wrong, always. My hair is shit bc I cut it. But I have to go ou- i'M TOO FUCKING STUPID AND I CAN'T EVEN WRITE CAN I JUST DIE I FUCKING HATE MYSELF KILL ME BEFORE I DO IT PLEASE JUST TAKE THE PAIN AWAY I CAN'T COPE I WANT TO DIE PLEASE PLEASE 

'Cause you feed me fables with your hand

I remember  all of our jokes, every single one. Each little saying that was so funny to us and no-one else. Each little thing we done. It feels like I've lost my best friend even though you're not really gone. i miss seeing you all the time, I miss sharing a bed with you when you came down to stay with us. I miss coming up to see you and knowing that I would actually get to see you for longer than an hour. Why did everything have to change? Why did I have to ruin everything? Don't tell me its not my faout, i know it is. I will never really accept that we will never get it back, i will forever be hoping that things will just go back to normal. I miss it, so much it hurts.
You know what else I miss? My auntie being okay. She used to come down and see us and stay with us, she used to live with us for fuck sake but you went and ruined that. Shes always been here for me, she is helping me through all of this, making everything okay. I look up to her so muhc, she didn't have a good childhood, so much owrse than what I have now but she managed to get through it. She got better, happier, she overcame depression and look at her now? she is so happy despite how much she has going on. I look up to her, so much. I would genuinly do anything just to make things good for her, to make her illness go away.

I love you Chloe&Autie Josie and I'm sorry..

Shine bright like a diamond

I'm so fucking fat, I hate it. Why can't I be like Mia or Starla or Sophie or Jazz? Why am I the fat friend? why am i the one that weighs 9st 11? Why not anyone else? What did I do? Why am I the one thats so fucking disgusting? I'm ot gonna let myself carry this on, I need to start working harder, I need to start fasting more and not givng in like the weak cunt I am, I need to be strong. Ana and Mia will help me, I know they will, I hope they will. They can make me skinny, they will make me skinny. As i'm writng this im eating a fucking toasty like the fat cunt i am. As soon as I have finished this the fast will start. I WON'T give in. I WILL be skinny, no matter how long it takes me

Christmas

I'm scared of Christmas, I don't mean like, the holiday scares me I'm just scared of how I will be on Christmas Day. Everyone will be expecting me to be happy, to join in with everything the family does, to have fun. But I'm not going to be like that, life doesn't let be be like that. I'm going ot wake up, I'll be happy and excited, everyone else will wake up. My sofa bed will be put up and me and the kids will sit on the floor. We will each open one presnt at a time just so when you're opening your one the attention is on you. I will get scared because everyone is look at me but still, I will be happy. I'll watch everyone else open there presents and I will try to ignore the voices in my head. After everyone has opened everything mum will go out to make Breakfast and I will have to eat it, after all, its Christmas. I will eat my breakfast and I will play with everything I got, as will Ethan and Kimberly. Then we will watch T.V for a while and chat about everything thats going on. I will get out and call Jazz to say merry christmas and then I will cry because I will miss her. I will wipe away the tears and go back in like nothing happened. I will go on twitter and tweet about how much I hate myself for eating that breakfast, I will still be happy but not as happy. Nigel will make some comment about me and my mood will slowly get lower and lower, still I will smile. Mum iwll offer me lunch and I will say no and she will let me off because she would prefer me to not eat than purge. I will talk to Chloe, I will ask if I can see her if I haven't already. I will still play with everything I got and watch Christmas films with Auntie Josie. We won't go out. Then Ana and Mia will start. they will tell me I'm disgusting for eating breakfast and tell me to purge it but I will know I can't because someone will hear. It will be tme for dinner, it will be a big rast that I know I will have to eat because, its christmas. By now I would no longer be happy, I would just have a smile on my face because I won't want to get anyone else down. Later on the kids will go to bed, me, mum, nigel and auntie Josie will watch T.V together and I will sit on my bed on the laptop while listening to the T.V. I will over think things but still, I will smile. Everyone else will go to bed and I will be alone. The smile will go and the blades will come out of my bag. i will cry, cut and then go to bed. Just like normal, after all, its only Christmas.

Think back and talk to me

Okay, so, I'm a massive hypocrite and I'm sorry about that. I know I told you not to let him get to you, I know I told you he didn't mean it and I believe that, when its you. But he didn't say it to you, did he? He said it to me. Its weird, I told him it didn't effect me, I acted like I was fine with it but now its going around and around in my head. I hate knowing that everyone else sees what I see. Everyone sees how ugly I am, everyone sees the me that I hide with make-up. He didn't really need to say it, I know I'm ugly, I've always know, its carved into my leg for fuck sake. But thats just me I guess. U g l y. he doesn't notice how much he effects me, he just thinks each little comment just passed right though me, but no. Even when we were friends, I still remember everything he said
                                                                'Fat whore'

shut up ugly'

'no-one loves you'

'everyone hates you'

'definitely not by someone like you'

I will always remember every little comment, every joke that I know he secretly meant. No-one really knows how much it hurts me. Each one is just like a punch in the face. Even he doesn't know how much it hurts me, I guess in a way I wish he did, I wish someone would tell him to stop doing this to people. Now, I'm going to end this post here because my blades are calling me

Over&out
Ugly x

I feel numb most of the time

This was originally a long tumblr text post but ive put it on here and edited it a bit too yay


I feel alone, I feel like even the one person who cares most is slowly giving up on me and that i don't really have anyone. I feel like all of my friends(the few i have) all hate me and are making new friends and leaving me. I always feel alone but this feels different, it feels like something has changed and im more alone than usual, if that makes sense? maybe its life telling me that its time for me to go and to stop waiting for everyone too leave me? That maybe its just my time to die. Death has been something I have wanted for so long, I've tried to commit more than 10 times now but it never works and im left feeling more of a failure than before i tried. Despite wanting to die I've been trying to get better but now I've given up, I've stopped fighting the urges, I just cut whenever i feel like I want to, I purge everything I eat in the hope that it will make me skinny and I will stop crying whenever I look in the mirror. My mum knows about everything thats going on and she is trying to help me but i feel like she is giving up, everyone is giving up on me now so why can't I just give up on myself? When I'm like this I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm trapped inside my brain and its guarded by all the negitive thoughts and voices. I don't feel like its only me in my head anymore, I feel like Ana&Mia are there too. Telling me not to eat and to purge and stuff. But then theres me, theres me telling myself to try and commit. Everyday, every. single. day. 

I got so sick of being on my own now the devil wont leave me alone

It sucks, you know? Realising just how shit everything actually is. I can't do anything, I've completely fucked up pretty much everything and its too late for me to change it. I want a real education, I want to go out with a group of people on a saturday like I used to, I want to be a normal teenager that goes out and breaks rules and has fun. I'm fed up of sitting alone in my bedroom, listening to music and on twitter&tumblr waiting for someone to do something. I don't get invited out with people, ever. Not even my ld best friend invites me to go places anymore. I'm just so fed up of being alone. ofc, i have Jazz. And Jazz is perfect and I don't really need anyone else but I want a group. I want a group of friends that care about me and I can be with 24.7 and no-one gets ignored or feels left out. I want a group like I used to have in year 7 where everything was perfect. I was happy all the time. I want that back, i need that back.
I keep trying to do some work but I can never do it. I start and then I realise that I can't do it and even at home I'm still too scared to ask for help. I don't want mum to know how much I'm struggling with all of this. I feel like I'm failing as a daughter, I should be learning and making my family proud but I can't do that because it keeps getting in the way. I go onto the website, I click on the english bit and then I start but then I give up. I always give up because I know I can't do it but I need to stop avoiding this. Its jsut gonna be so much worse at Helenswood if I don't catch up while at home.
I'm just so fed up of this shit, I want to be normal, I want to be better, I want to smile like I used too, I don't want to worry about what people think anymore, i want to be skinny, i want to die.