I am so done with this, all of it. I'm done with recovery, I've been trying for 6 months now, 6 fucking months and all i'm doing is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to starve
I want to cut
I want to die
I don't feel like me anymore, its like someone has taken over my brain and is changing me to fit their definition of perfect. I can't even expain it, its like a big jumble in my mind of words that I can't get out. Speaking of not being able to get out, I feel trapped, like I'm in this ditch. In my ditch I'm surrounded by everything that is happening, like its all written on the walls and people are in there shouting it all at me.
I lost my grandad on Sunday the 3rd of March and its effected me so much. I still think about him everyday, its stupid because i never even talked to him, he didn't like teenagers,you see? But now hes gona all I want is to be with him. It should've been me, he deserved life, I don't. I'm sorry Grandpa Rob, I love and miss you, R.I.P.
i don't know what I want, I don't know if I want to get better or if i want to get worse. I don't know if i want to stop cutting or continue until it kills me. I don't know if i want to sort out everything with my dad or if i want him to hate me like I do. the only thing im truly certain about is that I want to die, which brings me onto promises.
I've made promises to Jazz and Jam that I won't commit, I'm afraid that I may break this promise. I don't think i can stay here anymore,don't worry I'm not doing anything tonight and Idon't have anything planned but every day I'm getting closer and closer to ending it all and soon one thing will put me over the edge and I'll just be gone.
Days self-harm free: 5
bye xo
