MIA'S FACE.

Mia's face is the perfect size, not too big not to small. It is a very nice shape and all her features are in the right place. She is quite pale but the nice kind of pale not the vampire pale. Her fringe cover her face a bit but not completely and she doesn't like this. Her eyebrows are a very nice shape as are her eyes, they aren't too small or too big and are in the right place. Her nose is also a nice shape and size, I don't really know how to describe it but it is the same colour as her face and the rest of her body other than a few tan lines. Her mouth is very nice as well, it is the right shape and size and i like it? Her ears are in perfect proportion to her face, not like those weird peole with big ears and small faces. She hides her ears with her hair alot, I think. She believes that she has a big forhead but I think it is about the right size, she is very freckly and hates it but eh, freckles are cool. Her cheekbones, they are very cheekbony and stuff. Her eyes go from blue to green and back again alot. Her lips are naturally red and nicely shaped. I don't see her teeth very often so don't have much to say about them, I'm sure they are very nice though. Her chin is like a cherry shape, I think. It is nice and round, not pointy and ew. She has naturally long eyelashes and doesn't need eye make-up. Her glabella, if thats how you spell it, it the right size not too big so it makes her nose a odd shape and VERY VERY VERY STROKEABLE.

'Cause you can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart

Erugh, you're such a cunt. I actually hate you, I mean, why would you do that to her? Then move onto me? then try and say you're not a horrible person? BLERGH. H A T E  Y O U.  And I have to see you, every morning, looks like I'm sitting on my own in from waheey. kill me, kill me now. idk, everything you said to me last night, how you made me feel, everything about you just makes me want to stab you. I want you to feel the way I did last night, I want you to realise what you say, hurts people.

Looking in the rear view mirror,

Everything is so much clearer,

Watch me wave it all goodbye, goodbye.

I dreamt about you last night, after mum telling me I will see you at Christmas. I don't know how to feel about that, obviously, I want to see you but I won't be able to talk to you, I will see you and be filled with guilt and regret. Yet I miss you like hell. then again, you might not even want to see me, if not then i will know for sure that its not just you not being allowed. It weird, you helped me so much, you stopped me from doing it more than once and now you're just gone, the only way I can know if you're alright is by getting your tweets sent to my phone. I know I will be able to see him, its just you, you that I miss so much, you that I ruined the life&body of, you  that should hate me..

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken,

I'm gonna say it like its never been spoken,

Tonight, tonight, I'm letting go

Right, I'm going to try my best to make it work with you, understand that this is new to me, I haven't been in this kinda relationship before so obviously, I will be a bit awkward at first. I will hug you like nothing has changed, I will act like nothing is different, at first. I probably won't tell anyone about it other than people who ask or read this. Two of my friends already know, and one of yours. I want to tell her but I don't know how to say it so kinda hoping she asks and is happy for me. Petrified of everyone finding out, judging me. I know it won't last, maybe about a week or two then I will continue hoping one day you suddenly fall in love with me. Hopefully, I will grow to love you, eh? 

I'm gonna give it like its never been taken

I'm gonna fall like I  don't need saving

Okay, last bit, I just wanted to say thank you, to Mia&Jazz for helping me so much last night, it means alot, I love you both ye?♥♥

I don't wanna be me.

I can't do this, I can't do it anymore. Everyday there is like, 100 more hurldles I have to try and get over and im fed up. I'm tired of trying. im tired of trying to fix everything and trying to forget how i feel. im tired of trying to get past it. I'm just tired of being alive. I get happy then something just brings me back down&im fed up. I can't do it. I don't care if this sounds like im just being cowardly or something, I just can't do this. I have that that so much in this post but hey, who cares? I don't expect anyone to try and save me, I don't expect anyone to even care anymore, people are probably used to it by now. I don't have that one person like you do that wants to save you, that will send you massive paragraphs about how much you mean to everyone, im alone. I don't have someone who will talk about me to there friends. I'm jelous. oh well. Now im sitting here, blood dripping down my leg the tablets in front of me, I apoligise if this does actually hurt anyone but goodbye, hopefully forever..

But what about us? What about everything we've been through?

It's always when I'm alone. When I thoughts take over and all I can think about is how disgusting I am. Tbh, anyone who reads my blog probably thinks I'm attention seeking but tbh idc. It's my blog I will post what I like ok. Right, back on subject; I hate who I am, who I have become. I hve forgotten what happiness is even though I explained it to you. I hate that I'm scared of being happy, well I'm scared of the crash I KNOW will happen after. The crash, the more scars. Okay next subject then.

Omg I did no expect that, I don't understand how anyone could like me like that. Idk, I guess I like you to. Well, hey-ho it's worth a try eh? See how it goes.

Okay bored of blogging now, watching HSM 2, jel?:)

I feel the salty waves come in, I feel them crash against my skin.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should be happy he saved you or sad I couldn't do it myself? Sure, I'm delighted that he did, yet I hate myself for not being able to do anything. I considered coming to your house, just running in and telling you how much you mean to everyone and that it's not the answer. I planned it all out in my head. But I couldn't do it. I was scared. Scared that you would get annoyed with me but in reality, I would do anything to help you. Idc if you would get annoyed at me I just don't want you to have to live this way anymore. I'm not going to post this tonight, I will post it tomorrow as I don't want you to get upset anymore. But, please believe me, if there was anything I could do, I would of done it and I'm sorry, for not being good enough.

So here I am, with my best friend laying on me. It's cute:3 I love her. She seems to be able to make everything better. She has kept me from doing something I would regret tonight. I want to just say thank you, jazz. Thank you so much.


I wrote this yesterday by the way

If you feel, so empty, so used up, so let down..

You know when the one ting you were looking forward to gets taken away? It fucking sucks. Its not her fault, of course. Its mine, it mine for telling them, its mine for making your family think im a bad infulence its my fucking fault. Someone kill me? I don't want the clean arms anymore, I don't want the extra numbers on the scales so, I give up. 

I give up trying to get 'better'

I give up trying to get you to care

I give up trying to make you love me

I give up trying to be happy

I give up fake smiling

I give up holding back the tears

I don't care what people think about any of this anymore. chances are I will change my mind and go back to trying to get better but for now, I'm done.

I'm falling and you're no longer there to catch me

I'm fed up.

I'm fed up of the bad days

I'm fed up of the massive highs and painfu lows

I'm fed up of the lonelyness

I'm fed up of the self hatred

I'm fed up of the jealousy

I'm fed up of life

I'm fed up of being here

I'm just fed up of everything

'Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect'

One day, near or far I don't know, it will happen again. One day, it will work. I wold of fially got what I wanted. No-one will know, untill they find me, hanging from somewhere, then they will look at my twitter they will see how much I have been stuggling. They won't understand that this is what I want. They will just think that it was a mistake because they won't be able to face the fact that not everything is right and not everyone is always happy. To be honest, I can't wait for that say to come. The day everyone finally notices who I am, who I have been for over a year now. I will finally be gone, happy, dead.

No-one can ever change this animal i have become

Well, I fucked that up. I don't even know why I thought I could do it, why I thought I would be able to get past this. BLERGH. I have let everyone down, im a disgrace.

FRIDAY. IT WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY OMG EXCITMENT. I have missed Jazz so much tho:'c  

I'm so proud of her for being able to do this, so much I shall be making her a present, bc i luff her. Friday will be amazing though, she will be in my bed, yay:') omg I'm actually in a good mood other than what happened earlier and feeling guilty about that. Speaking of feeling guilty- Net:749- I guess its good because trying to recover but blergh, fat fat fat:'( 

OKAY BAI BAI

KNCD[;PIVSuj8k.

TOMORROW FUCKING EVENING WOT NO NO NOO. IT HURTS TO MUCH IM NOT WAITING TILL THEN SO FUCK YOU I HAD TO GO HOME FROM SCHOOL DOES THAT NOT MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT FUCKING HURTS OMG TAKE ME NOW OMG OMG.

I DONT NOT WANT THAT FUCKING BACON SANWICH IT WILL MAKE IT HURT MORE SO TRYING TO FEED ME THIS CRAP ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FATTER

BHKJAEP;GFVKLNSRFVISFVO;FGVHNIKGVR

die.

What would you say if one day I just, disappeared?

There's lots of people on this beach yet I feel so alone. Everyone keeps looking at me as they walk past, have you never seen a crying teenage girl before? All I can think about is how many calories was in that sandwich. How I deserve a cut per calorie but I can't because I'm trying to recover. Everyday it feels like recovery is getting further away, like I will never really get there. I want to be free from theses disorders but I can face the fact that I will put on that weight I spent ages trying to get rid of. I wouldn't be here, in tears, if I saw you today but no, stupid fucking buses.
I shouted at the CAMHS lady. She said that moving school won't help and that I can't just run away. She doesn't understand how shit I feel when im there. If I can't get out, frankly, I just won't go anymore. It's up to mum what she would want more.
This can't be right. I swear I can see 'failure' and 'fat' written in the stones. The voices are telling me I should just jump in the sea. And just lay. Just lay untill I die but you can't drown yourself, unfortunately. I'm scared, of myself, of what I can do to myself, of going back to school tomorrow. I'm worried that everyone hates me now. I need someone to save me. Anyone. I need to be free.

This is the memory, this is the curse of having, to much time to, think about it

It pains me that I will be leaving you, it does. Do you remember how close we used to be? You're right, it used to be like it was us against everyone, fighting the people who thought we were 'too close' or that we were 'together' or that I was copying you. Which in a way, I was. I will admit to that now. I tried to be like you. I admired you, all I wanted was to BE you. I mean, why wouldn't I? You're beautiful, smart, halarious, amazing, you were my everything. You are perfect. Even if you don't believe it. When we stopped beign close it hurt so much, for a year I had looked up to you, you were the one person I knew I could turn to and you wouldn't judge me. People used to say to me 'You are Mia are so close, what would you do if you had anargument?' And I would just reply; 'We never argue'
I don't want to eave you, I don't. But I can't be at that school anymore. I feel the same towards this school as you did to Filsham if that makes sense? But even if I'm not there, it won't change how I feel towars you. I will still lways be there for you, I will still believe that you are perfect..because, well, I love you and I always have. I realise this doesn't really have much of a point I just want you to know,
  That I love you, and you know that I don't just mean 'as a friend', I'm IN love with you and I would do anything for you to feel the same way but you don't&you never will. I wish that, if i do get in I could take you  with me and everything would be perfect but it won't.

Never forget, I love you&you are perfect. You should never let anyone tell you anything different. 

Stay strong♥

Help, I have done it again, I have been here so many times before..

I don't want to see them again, I stopped going to them for a reason, you can't just send me back? I guess it could be good because I can get them t help wit me moving but that might not even happen. I can't go there anymore.  can't do it, I can't handle the memories or the people there. Being there makes me want to die, hell, it made me try once. I will convince you it will be better for me to move and then I will get in and I will be with her and I can be happy not surrounded by bad memories. Im too scared to go back, I have been putting it off, if you haven't noticed. Tomorrow I won't be in but Wednesday I will and I will have to smile so I don't bring anoyone down, I will have to hide the fact that im in physical and emotional pain.

Why do I miss you? I can't. You're a dick. Yet I think about you everyday, I wish we were still friends and I had a chance to get back with you because in reality, you were the best thing that happened to me and now you gone. I could of got past everything else. I just need you, your hugs and kisses, you cuteness. You made me feel wanted and loved. I could of got past everything you would do t annoy me but I gave up. I lost the one thing that was perfect..

ok all done now bai bai

'Why are you so worried about me having another baby?'

Because you will forget about me
Because I will suddenly become unimportant again
Because I iwll go back to being the 'annoying' one
Because you will never have time for me
Because it will always be coming in my room
Because you already have two
Because it will cry all the time
Because we don't have enough money
Because you could get ill again
Because the other kids will get jealous
Because I will have to look after the other kids while you look after him/her

For so many more reasons that you don't even care about. You asked me about this then ignored my response. I don't want another child in this house.The ones we have are bad enough but you don't care, do you?

And we know it's never simple never easy.

I'm going to try my hardest at this. I'm going to beat this and be able to say that I'm free. We can do it eh? We can recover? It's been 4 days. I know that that's not brilliant but it's better than nothing? Even when these scars fade I'm always going to have the emotional scars. I'm never going to be able to forget all of this. Forget you and everything you caused. I guess I'm scared, in a way because I will relapse at some point and I'm scared I won't be able to just get past that or if I would go back to replying on this stupid habit. But hey, let's think positively? I'm sure I can do it with you. Obviously, if I was doing this alone I would of given up by now but I'm doing it for you because, I love you and know you can do it too. Whenever you want to cut or anything remember that time we sat at the church and take about everything or when we sat on ye roof of the hospital or when we went to the beach or town. Just remember, we are doing it together.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place?

So here I am. Sitting in the waiting room ready to go in. I'm not scared because what's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared of death. I'm not worried that something will go wrong. They asks me lots of questions about Tuesday. Asked me if I wanted to do it again, I obviously lied and said no when really I'm just hoping something does go wrong and I slowly pass away. So I don h e to be here anymore. Chances are this won't post because really slow Internet

See you on the other side.

Sorry.

Of couse I dont blame you for this. I don't blame anyone but me. I understand. I do. I just cant accept it. But I know I need to and I will. I don't know what else to say other than I would never judge you. Sure, I judge some people but I could never judge you because I know how you feel. And I'm sorry for making you feel like I blame you for this or accidentally making you jealous by going to the nurse.

I'm sorry
So sorry.

What has happened to me? I don't even know who I am anymore.

Omg today tho. Going to the nurse to ending up in an ambulance. Idk, been so weird. I don't regret it. One day, one of these will actually work. I done it in front of my friends and no-body noticed. Because everyone was to busy being happy and living the life they want. Where as me, I would do anything to be someone else. To have a life that I actually want to live. From now on I will be getting forced to eat. And forced to be happy. Why don't you understand that I want to die? I hate feeling like you don't care. I live you&watching you to care about me like I care about you. I never want to spend all day in hospital again. I never want to see CAMHS again. I just never want to be in this place but I worry I will never get out. Mia, tomorrow, could I have a hug? Sophie, tomorrow, can you make me feel like I mean something to you? Jazmin, tomorrow, can you carry on being you?:3

Can I just be happy?

HEIDNYXJEIRN

'just because I'm need space from you doesn't mean I don't care about you'
I don't understand. I need you. You kept me going for so long and now its like your just gone. If you'd till care about me then surely a text just saying you miss me&love me would be okay? Remind me that I still have you to live for. Please, Chloe, I'm begging you.

Just crash, fall down, I'll wrap my arms around, you, now

I could of done it, I was going to do it. The car was coming, I was ready to step out but something stopped me. I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to do that to YOU. Everyone else would get over it one day but you. You actually make me feel like I mean something to you, like you love me and will actually never forget me&I can safely say, I feel the same. 

 But its not that way with you is it? I mean, you have her&one day you will have him. I want you to care about me..I want a hug from you and you to tell me everything will be okay, it could save me. You could see I was crying, as you walked past today, it was obvious but you didn't even stop to say hello or ask whats wrong. I have always tried to be there for you as much as I can and even though were not as close anymore you still mean so much to me, I guess the feeling isnt mutual .

 

Lonely

Depressed

Fat

Unloved

Unneeded

Hated

Stupid

Ugly

Me

It's 3am and I'm cursing your name

I'm doing this for you. Trying to stay strong for you. Only you. You're there for me. You always are and I live you so much for that. I love you for everything you have done. Ye. We will meet tomorrow and I will hug you. So tight because you are amazing.

Omg the book I'm reading though. It's actually amazing. So dramatic. One of my 'depressing stories' in yours words. Which annoys me by the way. Idk it reminds me of like, some of the things I think about daily. Like, the amount of calories in whatever I'm about to eat. If I will have a chance to purge it ect. Brill book tho.

You, sir, are a dick. What if I told mum about that. What if she notices the bump on the back of my head? What will I say? I won't tell her, because I don't want to hurt her. But know, I will never forget this.

What if you mean this? What if you really never want to see me again? Until now I have managed to not think about this but now ive finally realised that, you hate me. You're my father and you never want to see me again. I never meant to cause this. I didn't think it would hurt you. I'm sorry.

Anyway, FUNNY PICTURE TO FIX EVERYTHING YE

Oh I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'm not over you. Tbh I feel bad. I feel bad for liking you this way because I know that you don't feel the same way&I doubt you enjoy me feeling like this. I have spent the last two days telling myself that I am over you. That I just like you as a friend but I don't. It's so much for than 'just as a friend' when I'm around you I get butterflies. I feel like everything is perfect and that nothing could ruin it for me. I have tried to convince myself that I do like her but I don't. Not in that way. It's you, it's always been you. I have always looked up to you. Been jealous of how skinny and pretty you are. And now I feel like we're close again. Like I have my best friend back. I will hide that I want more than that. I won't bring it up. I will act like you talking about anyone els that you like doesn't kill me inside. I will act just like normal. And this time, I won't fuck it up.

Katie don't cry I know, you're trying your hardest.

Everything is so hard. Omg. Okay, I think I'm over you. I'm sure I am. Idk after today I realised how good it is us just being close again. God, I hope it lasts. But now I like her. And she likes me back. Omg so much has changed. This is still so weird to me. BLERGH.

Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?

I can't handle this. I want you to say you feel the same way but I know that won't happen. I mean, why would anyone? I can't keep dwelling on this. It's all I can think about. It's horrible. I need someone to talk to about it. Sure, I have both of them but I still worry that secretly they are judging me&that they are going to tell there friends and they're all going to laugh about me. I don't know, I don't know how to think or feel. I feel numb and emotionless. I feel dead.

I can't cope, not with this. Its all getting too much, the pressure of going back to school&not loosing the rest of my friends, the voices, I don't know how to make them stop its like being constantly bullied by myself. But I can't talk to anyone about it because they will think I'm mental. I can't tell mum, she will make a huge fuss about it but I need it too stop. Its horrible. I could tell my group but they would tell mum. tbh I havent even told them about my eating because im scared of what they will say. Nor have I told them about you.
Laptop battery is about to die, yeh, bye