I'm sorry

Everything is messed up&I feel like i can't talk to anyone about it.
 I'm worried about you Granddad, You can pull through. You WILL pull through. You are strong. I'm sure of it. I'm sorry that I haven't made any effort to come and see you. But I promise as soon as you're out and im sure you will be, I will come and see you as much as I can. I love you<3
Nigel; I know you don't like me you have made that clear. You even said it straight to my face. I won't tell mum about this as I don't want to upset her, but if it happens again, believe me, I will do more than just walk away.
Andy; I'm sorry I use you for money. I'm sorry im a horrible daughter but do you not think that if you done more with your life maybe I would try and be a better daughter. you don't make the effort with me so why should i make it with you?
Mum; I'm sorry for all the pain and worrying I have caused. I'm really not worth it. I want to tell you that I don't want ot get better. That I want all of this 'help' to stop but im worried about what you will say. If it will be the same as when I quit CAMHS. Just please, let me have a say in what we do to 'help' me.

Starting to get fed up of crying.

I can't seem to have one say without getting upset. I have had an amazing day for it to be ruined by me over thinking stuff. its my own fault. It always fucking is. Im not angry at anyone but myself. ARGHARGH, I;m so stupid. I want to talk to you about it but im worried you will find me annoying:/ 

I HATE YOU NIGEL WALLIS.

Do you know how much i hate you? last night you told me it would be good if i was dead and today you have made it so my little sister wont be there on my birthday! Whats wrong with you?! You constantly upset mum and I always have to sort it out&I'm fed up. I'm never talking to you again.

Mia. I love you.

You are an amazing person. You are so strong, you can get through this. I don;t know if were friends or not but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're okay. You mean the world to me, I can't do this without you. I hope you understand how much you mean to everyone.

You're only as tall as

 your heart will let you be
And you're only as small

 as the world will make you seem

Mia, we have had so many good times yet so many bad. But we get through them, we always do. I love you loads. Even if were not friends to me, we will always be best friend. 

When the going gets rough

 and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside

 you're roughly six feet tall

DON'T EVEN CARE.

I'm not gonna say sorry this time. None of this is my fault, don't even try to make it out like it is. You're the one that said you wanted me dead, talked about me, lied to me constantly. Im fed up anyway, I'm sure at some point we will eb friends again but im telling you now, it WON'T be any time soon...

Every fuckin' time.

Every time hurts more than the last. Every time I tell myself I won't do it again but deep down I know that isn't true. I will always do it again. I will always fuck something up then this will be close after. But, let's face it, who really gives a fuck?

Im sorry.

I did notice you were crying. I even asked you about it at one point and you denied it. The only reason I didn'task about your post was because it killed me to know you felt like you had to hide that you were upset from me. You probably think im trying to make this about myself, I would understand why you would think thaat but we are best friends, you shouldn't feellike you have to hide that you're crying. I know this wouldnt help at all but, I don'tknow what you sugest you do about him.

Meh.

I want to talk to you about it but despite us being best friends I still feel like I would be annoying you. Im sorry if I have annoyed you or upset you by not talking to you about it. In a way I geuss I didn't eally want to talk to anyone. I would send you a message explaining it all but I don't actually know if thats what you want..If it is, just send me a message, and tell me?

Fed up.

I can garentee I'm just gonna break down tomorrow and look like an idiot. Having to keep smiling all day, just thinking abut it makes me upset. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I never can. The last few days have been like hell but I can't help but tell myself that, I don't want to be happy. If im happy for too long im always left wanting to be sad, like it doesn't feel right if I'm happy all the time. that probably makes no sense...Why can't I just be normal?

I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of getting judged.

I'm scared of people talking about me. 

I'm scared of people getting the wrong idea about me. 

I'm scared of getting stared at.

I'm scared of you noticing I have been doing it again

I'm scared of you telling everyone.

I'm scared people are gonna start doing it whenever there upset because I gave them the idea about it.

I'm scared of YOU doing it.

But I'm PETRIFIED that you think all of this was my fault.

I don't know anymore/

How is it possible to hate someone so much yet miss them like hell? I can't help but think that I would be alot happier if you were still in my life. If I still saw you, If I still hugged you, If I could still kiss you. You were the best thing I ever had and now its gone I miss it, I don't miss you, I miss what er had. what you gave me, that feeling  I got when I was with you. What if I don't get that again? I always try to say I'm happy being single but I'm not. I hat being alone, I need someone to be there, to give me a hug when im upset. But thanks to you my expectations are so high. I want someone who I won;t see everyday but someone who I will see enough. I want someone who won't be afraid to hold my hand in public, who will give me long hugs. Someone who I can call every night and not feel awkward. While writing that I noticed I have just described you. I know I'm never gonna get you back, I don't want YOU back. I want what we had, just with someone else...

I hate you.

You know how hard it is when you're upset and everyone around you is so fucking happy?! I know how selfish that sounds but I really don't give a shit. I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm fed up of you. Just you in genral. Everything you do, you being here all the time, you making sarcy comments about everything. Even things that are serious you make a fucking joke out of. I hate you. If I don't get away from you soon I'm gonna go mental. Now, I expect you to judge me for what I'm about to do, but its an addiction, I can't stop. I'm not sorry.

UPDATE TIME!

Haven't done this in a while. Want an update? You don't have a choice. I had a man come and take me out off lesson today, he was with Targeted Youth Support. He didn't say much really, just gave a few leaflets and made me sign some stuff about confidentiality. He had an accent and long blonde hair. I agreed to meet him again, he is going to call me at some point. I'm a bit scared if im honest.

Everything is finally sorted with you, I don't know what I would do if it happened again, I'm just hoping it won't. you mean loads to me Mia<3


I have a crush. A big one. Just thinking about me makes me upset because I know I can't have him. You're not the most attractive but I don't care. You're funny, and can be nice when you want to be. I actually love you. I know its wrong because you used to be with her and stuff but I can't help it. Seeing you flirt with her kills me. And days like today, when we don't talk at all hurts even more. I just want you to like me. I don't care about how cheesy that was. I like him<3

Well?

I just want all off this sorted out. I want us to be friends. I thought you didn't like me though? I wish I had said sorry to you at the fair but I explained why I didn't in my last post. I'm just worried about this happening again? I can't keep losing you like this.

I know sorry doesn't mean much but, sorry.

I'm actually so sorry. That what I wanted to say when i came up to you earlier but I didn;t have the guts. I miss you so much Mia, nothing is the same without you. I regret everything I have done. I know you don't like me and I don't expect you to read this and suddenly like me again I just want you to now that I'm so sorry. You meant to so much to me. The last like 4 months you have been one of the only things keeping me going. I wish I could of said this to your face but I was scared you would just turn me down and walk away and I would've felt like a twat. Anyway, I'm sorry and I love you. I just hope at some point, you would be willing to be my friend again...<3

Killed it.

I killed it. One whole day. Yep. Wow, I win at this. I don't know whats going on with us. Everything is fucked up. Are we friends or not? Please, tell me ffs! You can't just leave my hanging like this.

Butterfly project

I doubt it will work but it's worth a try right? I want to fight this. I want to win.


This it my butterfly. Ignore my terrible drawing. It's called Mia. It will live. I hope.

Yep. Ow.

Headache, Tummy ache, feel sick. someone please explain to me why I done it again? It wasn't gonna work. I new that. OH MI GAWSH. Everything is so hard.

Finished. Done.

There you go. Its done. I regret nothing. Now to see if it works.

Its all gone. Now its my turn to go.

You know when you just get to the point where you have nothing left to live for? Yeah. I have lost everyone in one day. Aren't I smart? I can't help but feel like I should just end it all now. Like there is no point anymore. I mean, who have I got left to hurt? This tim eI won't tell anyone. It will stay my secret. This time, I fucking hope it works.

I assume you wanted a reply? Or you wouldn't of done it.

Hours trying to make me happy? Thats a bit of an overstatement. You nerw I was upset yet it stil;l took you like 3 hours to even attempt to make me happy and when you did all you done was send me a few videos and pictures. I genuinely didn't know you were jelous of me and Sam. How am I meant to know if you don't tell me? Im not a mind reader! I didn't tell Eloise everything she was looking. Thats not my fault is it? I didn't tell you about me and Nathan breaking up befor hand because I didn't see you for long enough. And when I did you were with someone else. When we were arguing and you said 'him' I thought you meant ~Nathan. Thats nto my fault. You didn't make it clear. Of couse I liked you. I asked if we were still friends and you said I didn't need you because from your point of view if I have one friend I don't need anymore. But no. We haven't been like that and I have hated it but now we're not friends at all and what can I do about it? Its too late. you have made it clear you don't want to be my friend.  I only defended Eloise because well; what am I meant to do? She never said that. Well she did but not while you two were friends.
I'm not saying anymore. I have nothing else to say. I'm done with all of this.
ps. I didn't give up on you. I was making cakes with my siblings. STOP! Assuming things.

We're over now.

Well there you go. We're over and you didn't even care. Do you know how that makes me feel? It still hasn't sunk it. I can't face the fact that I'm alone. I miss you already:/

I'm in so much pain. But it feels like no-one even cares...

Despite my last post I feel so alone. I feel like there is no-one that cares about me.
I'm fed up of all this pain and bleeding. I wish I could say it was a mistake but it wasn't. I could say I want to stop bt I know that if I do it will just make it worse. I will have no way of coping and then this would just happen again. This is the worst i've ever done it. It hurts so much. But I don't even care.

You used to be the one person I could talk to about all of this, and now you won't even reply? I need you Chloe. I need yo more than I have ever needed you right now. I'm begging you, just talk to me. I miss you so much and I hope you're okay.

Thank you. So much.

Do you now how hard it is to not give up? do you know how tempting it is know that I can? I have always had those few people to keep me going but now I'm losing them all.
Nathan; you used to mean the world to me, you were my everything then something changed. even though we're still together it feels like we're strangers most of the time. I miss you. So much.
Mia;. you are my best friend. You have kept me happy. My feelings used to depend on yours but now, I get like this even when you're in a great mood. You always try to be there for me and you are. when I need someone to talk to. When i need someone to cheer me  up you are always there. IF I was to loose you I don;t know how I would carry on. We have started to spilt apart latly and that kills me. But, you will always be my best friend. You're not even going to see this. Oh well.
Sophie; you will see this. You have been my best friend for ages when we came up to secondary school we came apart and I feel terrible. I got new friends and started to put them before you and I hate myself for that. Lately we have been getting closer, we have been talking alot more. Despite all of that you are always there for me and im always there for you. You will always be, on of my best friends. I love you loads.
 Eloise; I'm so sorry for everything I have put you threw. dragging you through my bad moods with me.being such a terrible friend when all you try to do is cheer me up. Make me happy. I'm sorry that I just push you away. You're not gonna see this  either but I don't care.
You guys are my three main people. you mean so much to me. Without you I don't know where i would be. Thank you. for everything. you now all of my bissest secrets and i feel like I can always talk to you about them. But I'm sorry. For everything I have ever done wrong to any of you.
I LOVE YOU GUYS<3
I realise the subject of this kinda changed half way through. eh. oh well.

HAPPY:D

Actually in a really happy mood. Thats new!
I love my siblings so much, they mean everything to me.
Nothings better that sitting with my brother and listening to NSN!
I want boobezhs.
I has boobezh, you jel? I joke.

I'm so sorry. I really am.

I want to say I can stay strong, but I don't think I can. I want to do it. I don't know if I can fight this urge. Its all so hard. you're meant to make it better but you don't. I want to feel something. I'm fed up of feeling alone. I managed to put on a smile. Just for you. But now that I'm on my own again its back to being like this. I can't help but feel like I have failed you. Everything you have done to try and help me and I'm just throwing it all away. I want to let you help but now, maybe I'm beyond help...

And  our scars remind us 

That  the past is real(8)

Scars-PaPa roach

Lying to me now? Thats a new low.

You're lying to me. I can tell. If you're on your own the why would you start laughing as I was saying bye? Why can't you just tell me you're with him? Yes, I have got annoyed about it before&tbh you can understand why. You have done it again to day, picked him over me! I wouldn't be this annoyed if you just told the truth ffs! I love you. I do, but if you're gonna carry on like this, I will end it.

My mind is horrible.

I thought today would be good. That it would keep me happy. But no, life just can't let that happen can it? Today would of been perfect. But you were there. Ruining it. Do you remember when we just couldnt say away from each other? When we were just boyfriend&girlfriend, we were like best friends too? Where has that gone. I was US back.

I'm not perfect,

But I swear I'm perfect for you.

Endlessly-The Cab

Happy birthday to my best friend.

Today it's your birthday and I would just like to say happy birthday and that I love you. You mean a lot to me despite everything that's been going on lately you will always be my best friend. You're funny, pretty, and just amazing. I thought you needed a blog post. Have an amazing day you vagina flap. Susan Boyles vagina flaps. Nom. What more can I say? I love you Mia:3

Can you not just do this for me?!

I'm trying to make her have a good birthday. For god sake, you're my boyfriend and you can't even do this one thing for me?! Well, for her. 'Can't be bothered' BULLSHIT.
I bet know you're just gonna slag me off to your friend like im nothing. We're meant to love each other, if you loved me you would do this...

Friends are nice:)

Despite everything thats going on I will stay stong. 

I made a friend, called Kiaya. She is nice, pretty and funny. ~she has amazing hair. We are like the same people. She made my day amazing yesterday, I might be sleeeping at her house on friday. EXCITED! Here have a picture of this sexy thing:               

She is my pedophile and I love her:3x

Wake me up I'm living a nightmare..

I ave been listening to three days grace constantly. It reminds me of how I feel most of the time. Wow, lifes a bitch. 

I can hardly wait to leave this place(8)

I'm ill now, it sucks. 

I miss you even though you haven't been gone long. We used to just be people who didn't talk much and now you ean so much to me. Come back now? Please? 

I miss you Eloise D:

Why did it all have to change?

I thought that as about me. I thought you had realised what has happened to us, but you haven't, have you? I miss how we used to be. I miss our long conversations about things that aren't even important. All of this was my fault, for being so jealous and insecure. Im sorry. Im so sorry. Can we please, just be back to how we used to be?
I miss that</3

HAI

HAI! Im scare of people and dont know how to start this. Yeah...bye.