Friends, 2013 and Christmas

I'm slowly accepting that not many people like me anymore. I mean, I miss having lots of friends and being able to sit with them at school and all but I don't miss having to try and be someone else so they still like me, if that makes sense? 

It's almost the end of 2013, let's just go over this year. 

Good things in 2013:

I recovered

Me and jazz got stronger and closer

I made up with Nigel

Mum had a baby

I made friends with Jordan

I got closer with jam

I kinda found myself 

I got closer with mum 

I made friends

Bad things this year:

I ruined things with Chelsea

I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship 

Grandpa rob died

Nan got ill

I upset a lot of people 

And a lot more

I guess, 2013 has been pretty shitty but I've been left stronger at the end of it. I mean, I've recovered. Chances are there were a lot more good things than that, but I guess the bad things always stand out more. Onto friends. 

Friends I've made this year:

Jordan

Jam(was that this year I think it was idek) 

Alice

Millie Doyle 

Marie(twitter)

Chantelle(twitter)

Katie(twitter) 

Morgan(?) 

Frankie

Christine 

Emilie(?) 

And probably some more

Friends I've lost/almost lost/think I may of lost:

Chelsea

Chardae

Millie

Deanna(?) 

Charlotte

Sophie 

Jordan 

Jam(almost, sorry, pls don't hate me)

And more

People I have now that I feel I could hang out with: 

Jazz

Jordan

Jam

Alice

Chantelle(but I can't:c)

Marie(but I can't:c)

Mia

Tigs

And some more

People I have now that care and I feel I could talk to about stuff:

Jazz

Mia(?) 

I don't blame anyone but myself for how many friends I have lost this year. I am fully aware that it's my fault because I don't think before I do/say things and my bad thoughts cause me to push people away. If I could change the way I am I would do anything to do it. My sadness makes me loose friends because I shout a lot for no reason. 

I think this year the two things that effected me most was my grandad dying and everything with Chelsea and co, but the Chelsea stuff was more because it was on top of a lot of other bad things going on at the same time and I just ended up being called an attention seeker a lot. 

Christmas

Okay so, today I found really hard. At my Nan's Christmas  party, my grandads boyfriend was here but obviously, Grandpa Rob wasn't. It didn't seem the same him not being there. Even if he never really said much, it was so nice him just being there but this year he wasn't. I really struggled with that. Also, my auntie not being there, it's not her fault that she's disabled and can't get down here but I would love to have her there for Christmas. 

On the bright side, I had a nice time with my family and got lots of lovely things. 

That's all I guess

C'ya when I next bother lmao

#festive 

I'm shit

I'm overattached

I'm annoying

I'm clingy

I make mistakes 

I'm sorry 

All I want is to make you happy 

To help you and keep you safe 

To look after you

I'm sorry I'm so clingy, it's just, sometimes I need to hear your voice before I go to sleep, I need to hear you telling me you love me and that it's okay to be scared. I'm sorry I'm being so selfish tonight, I really don't mean to. You mean so much to me, just the sound of your voice can put a smile on my face. 

I need you baby, I need you now. I need you to kiss me and tell me you love me. I need you to cuddle me and sing me to sleep. 

I'm a selfish bitch, I know

But I just need you

I'm sorry 

This isn't a suicide note.

I've been such a shit to everyone lately, I haven't been showing how proud of them I am or anything because I'm not good at letting my feelings out and telling them. So here we go...

Alice: thank you so much, you're so lovey to me all the time and you give fabulous hugs. I know things are hard for you, I don't know how you're doing with silly things, if it's better or worse, no matter what I'm proud of you for being alive. I know I'm younger than you, but I feel like I need to look out for you, you're like my big sister. You give me cuddles every morning when you get to school and they're so lovely, thank you. Never go Alice, you're so strong. You've been through so much shit and you don't deserve any of it. Well done, you're an inspiration. Love you Alice x

Jam: you're great. I'm a shit to you a lot of the time and I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry I never tell you how proud of you I am, I'm really really proud. You're so strong, with everything going on with your family, money, food, everything you have been so strong and you will stay being super strong. I know you can get through this. Thank you for being there for me all the time too, you have contributed to helping me be strong and get to (v nearly) 6 months. Thank you for being my best friend and sleeping round my house and making the pact with me(it's helped me more than you know). I love you man, keep eating, keep clean and keep strong x

Oscar: Chances are you won't see this, unless I get up the courage to send it to you or someone else does. I'm so proud of you, you're doing so well with everything that's going on for you. Things will be okay, they will get better and you will get through it all. Again, I don't know where you are with self-harm, all I can do is hope you've stayed strong through all of it. Thank you for letting me cry on you that one time and for cuddling me for a while. You're like my big brother and I've always wanted one hehe. Stay strong man, ily x

Tigs: you're so pretty and strong and wow. I know things are hard, food wise and general mood wise and that makes me so sad:( you don't deserve to be sad at all, you're so lovely and nice and you have helped me more times than I can even say. You're so selfless and you always want to help others and it's so lovely. You have saved my life before, thank you so much. I'm proud of you for anything you have eaten today, or the day before or tomorrow or any day in the future. You're not fat, you may feel it but you're not. You are perfect just the way you are. You deserve food and happiness and I am here for you no matter what. Love you Tigs x

Mia-Rose: you're so strong, like seriously. You've been through so much shit and I'm so proud of you for still being here. Thank you for being my best friend for so long and I'm sorry for all the times I have made you feel sad, suicidal, anything bad, I'm sorry. You deserve to be happy Mia and I know you're going through a tough time right now(I hope that's over) but you're going to get through it because you're strong. I miss you so much. You've saved my life more times than I can say and thank you so much for that. I'm proud of you. Love you Mia x

Starla: you're so pretty and lovely and awh. I wish I was closer with you because you seem pretty swaggy and hip. I'm super jealous of you which sucks but yeah. I'm proud of you x

Jazz: so, I saved you till last because I have so much to say. Sure, I've probably said it all to you before but I'm gonna say it all again. I love you, so much. I'm so so proud of you, 116 days is so so good and you can keep going. I know things are hard for you, with your mum and food and silly urges but you can fight it all. Sure, there might not be much we can do about your mum at the moment but you can fight the sadness. I'm so proud of you for still being alive. Thank you for being in my life, thank you for saving me over and over. Before I met you I was so sad, so so sad and you have saved me from myself more than anything. If it wasn't for you I would've given up so long ago. You keep me strong and you keep me fighting. You're so perfect, I know you don't believe it but you are. I think you are and so does everyone else. 

Well done princess, keep fighting, I love you forever and always x

faggot alert

Hi
I'm in love
With this girl I met about 11 months ago
We met on a site called twitter
I really really love her
I'm not very old
Most people would say I'm not old enough to actually know what love is
but I do
I really really do
Love is that feeling in your tummy when you're going to see them
Love is wanted to be with them every second of every day
Love is being there for them, no matter what
Love is you
Love is me
Love is us
Now
I know I'm a bit of a faggot
But I just really love this girl
When I first met up with her
On the 24th of August 2012
Outside her house
She came walking across the road
I saw her perfect face and I think I died
I was a mixture of jelousy and love
Before her I never really believed in love at first sight
But now
I'm not too sure
Since that day she has saved me more times that I can count
Shes saved me from my step-dad
But most of all
She saved me from
Myself
I knoe sometimes she forgets
But she really is perfect
And I love her so so much
So Jazz
When you read this
Please smile
And remeber
I love you

thank you

I'm a warrior

Hello, I'm Kathryn March but most people call me Katie Wallis. for about 2 years I have struggled with self-harm. For about 1 and a half years I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and for about 1 year I have struggled with Bulimia. I'm gonna start with self-harm.

I remember my first cut, I was laying on my bed and then someone told me they had cut themselves. I remember thinking 'wow, wouldn't that hurt?' then when they told me how they done it and how it made them feel I thought 'Maybe that would make me feel better'. I stood up and walked over to my desk and picked up some scissors and used them to scratch at my hand. I felt a sudden release, kinda like an adrenalin rush. Thats when it started. Its not this persons fault. Mia blames herself for me starting this but I'm telling you now, this person wasn't her. From then on i done it for about a month then stopped for 2 months then I started again but it was worse this time. I would only cut on my left arm, never my wrist or legs because I was scared. As time when on it got worse and worse until I was cutting every day, it spread to my legs, tummy, hand, anywhere I had space. 2 months and 29 days ago I made my last cut. I consider myself a recovered self-harmer now. I hardly think about it, I never get urges and its hard to trigger me most of the time. I do show my scars, I am not ashamed. They are part of me and its in the past now.
I beat it, so can you.

Suicidal thoughts, well, where do I start. I can't remember the first time I really wanted to die. The first one I recall was when my mum had gone out to get drunk and I was home alone with Nigel. I was up in my bedroom, I walked downstairs, got a packet of ibprofen, went upstairs and took them. when i had none left, i went downstairs, put the empty packet on the side and wrote a note saying I'm sorry. Nigel found it and came upstairs and asked me what it was about, I told him i had 'done something stupid' and he called my mum and googled what he should do. My mum came home and gave me a hug but didn't really say anything. I can't remember what caused this attempt but whatever it was, I hate it. The suicidal thoughts have carried on and still haven't left. I am stronger now. I have attempted suicide about 18 times, I think but I can't remember the last time I did.

Bulimia, wow. I remember the first time I actually purged. I admit, I used to pretend I did, I was an attention seeker and I am sorry. I also admit, I was Pro-Mia and I did give myself an eating disorder and it was the worse decision I ever made. I can't remember the date but we had the whole family down for something. I ate a roll with chicken and mayo and then went upstairs and purged. I used a tooth brush because I didn't want to destroy my fingers. From then on I purged after most meals and I used to binge so I could purge. I don't now why, it seems so stupid thinking about it now. Why would I eat all of that if I hated eating then make myself throw it up? Did I like the feeling it gave me? I can't of. It just made me tired and gave me a sore throat. Anyway, I haven't purged in god knows how long, I haven't fasted in ages and ages.
I beat it, so can you.

I'm not saying I'm a really happy person now but I am saying I'm better. I still get suicidal, or often than not I want to die. I'm still sad most of the time but I don't make myself sick anymore and I don't self harm.
I have a few people I need to thank, honestly I wouldn't of done it without them. So thank you: Jazz, Jam, Mum, Chantelle, Alice, Mia, Eloise, Melissa, Emma, Mr. Sangstar, Oscar, Sue, Natalie, Jai, Chardae, Chelsea, Ashley, Millie and everyone else who has ever talked to me when I was sad, distracted me when I wanted to self-harm, looked after me when needed. Just, thank you.

I am strong
I am better
I am a warrior

<3

-feelings-

Wow blogging I haven't done this in a while. I dont know what to write so I'm gonna copy and paste something I put on my tumblr:

Its actually really hard because last week no-one knew how bad I am at the moment and now people know they still don’t really care

I just feel like I’m not really anyones first choice or someone else is always more important than me

I’m probably just being selfish

but I just want someone to really care you know? Ive spent so long just putting the way I feel bad and pretending I’m okay so I can help others but no-one would ever do that for me. I guess I can’t expect anyone too, I don’t expect anyone too i just idk

I’m just so sad and suicidal all the time at the moment and its killing me, you know? I havent overdosed/attempted in so long and I miss the rush that you get when you know you could be dead by the time you wake up. I want that, I wan the rush, I want people to worry about me, I want someone to try and stop me but no-one takes me seriously, everyone just thinks I’m attention seeking. I’m not, well, i am but I’m not. I want somebody to care and try to make me feel better but I want to be left alone to die 

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so stuck and suicidal and alone

None of this has really changed since i posted it but its not important. The most important thing right now is to help Jazz through all of this shit going on for her. 

i love you jazz

Am I asleep? no I'm alive

I go to the upper on tuesday, I'm so scared you don't even realise. I'm trying to hide how scared I am because I know Jazz is more scared than I am and I need to help her but vfhjvngfhxvn.
I think the main reason I'm scared is because the last site swap I did fucked up everything and then I left but I know that isn't an option this time. I'm not just scared though, i'm excited too. I'll get to see Alice everyday and maybe I'll even make some new friends??? idk. I went on a tour last wednesday and its massive, I can remember where the science rooms are and the art rooms and maths and english are in the tower block and so is History but i'm still scared of getting lost and stuff. I don't know, I don't want to end up getting bullied by older kids or something.

I've become overly attached to my mum. Last night she went out and I was crying for about an hour because I didn't like to be at home without her. Lately shes been helping me so much, shes been there whenever I needed her and I've grown to trust her alot more than I used too. Sure, things are shitty at home with Nigel but I just love to be around my mum.
I used to get home sick, I would never stay sleeping at someones house because I just hated not being at home and I think its coming back. I ended up going home from jazz's house because something happened on the way and I didn't feel safe anywhere unless I was around my mum. I'm trying to sleep at jazz's house again tonight[maybe] and i think I'll be okay, I hope so anyway.

In the upper im doing: English, Maths, Science, IT, RE, History, Photography and DT
I'm glad I got most of the options I picked, I just hope I'm in some of jazz's lessons considering I'm being moved out of her form. I would love to be able to be with her at times when its not just break and lunch.

goodbye xo

eh

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            t

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Goals

To wear:

Shorts without tights

Knee high socks to school 21/06/13

A belly top

A dress 

To eat:

Noodles 28/7/13

A burger  24/07/13

Ice cream out the tub

A marshmallow fluff sandwich

Take out pizza 22/06/13

Haribo
Hotdogs
Beef
Pork
A banana

To do:

Go swimming

Dance to High School Musical

Get married

Have a threesome

Go on a double date
Big Sleepover 22/06/13
Stop smoking[at some point]
Have a family
Sort out things with Chelsea 26/06/12
Calm Jazz down from a panic attack

To say:

'I beat self harm' 24/07/13

'I beat an eating disorder'

'Im better now' 30/07/13

'I do'

'Im perfect' 

'Can I have another slice?'
'I don't have a thigh gap and I don't care'  21/06/13

this is super messy but, help

So far, I've tried to end my own like 18 times. I want to make it 19.
I feel like no-one cares enough to svae me this time, not even jazz. I'm alone, i've been left to die and thats what I'll do.

This isn't so much of a goodbye note, more of a cry for help that everyone will ignore. I'm fed up of the pain, I'm fed up of people leaving and stopping caring. I'm red up of not pretending im okay because other people are sad. I'm fed up of not being okay. I'm fed up of living a life I don't really want to be a part of.
This isn't a quick decistion, I've been thinking about it for a while and well, what do I have left to stay for right now? Jazz is angry at me, she doesn't want me. Jam is always agry at me, he just thinks im clingy and annoying. Chelsea is fed up of me. Tigs doesn't even talk to me anymore. Mia has everyone else, she doesn't need me. Starla doesn't need me.

no-one wants me you see? so I'm gonna die, like everyone wants.


this isn't a suicide note. 
Its a cry for someone to save me
please

'I want to kill myself'

'I want to kill myself'

You see, I say that a lot. I say that I want to end my life and when I say it, I mean it. It's upsetting that everyone ignores it, everyone thinks I won't do it. In all honesty, I don't know if I actually would. I don't know if I would do something that would actually kill me. I can easily do something that might kill me but it probably won't. Idk. Do u really want to die? Or do I just want the pain to end for a little while? To be numb, safe in hospital. Do I want to be admitted? Or do I just want someone to care? Do I want to be taken seriously? Or do I want everyone to forget about my problems and leave me to die? 

I never know what I want really

I know I want to be happy

I know I want to be skinny

Apparently I'm not allowed both. 

'Dont be sad'

Why would I be? What is there to be sad about? Everything is perfect

I have a famiythat love me

I have a perfect girlfriend

I don't have depression or an eating disorder? 

Why on earth would I be sad?

That is what I don't understand. Why am I sad? What is wrong with my life that makes me feel this way? 

Am I just being stupid? 

Pathetic?

Attention seeker?

Who knows. 

All I am is me, I get sad, suicdal. I hate myself a lot. I don't go out very often because I get scared that people will laugh at me. 

I know how cliche it is 

But I am just 

M e 

Scars: 

Left leg:89 

Right leg: 81

Left arm:14 

Right arm: 5

Cuts: 0

Weight: 115.8

Hight: 5'5

Days clean:25

I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

Mia 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen

I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen

Wow katies blogging what is going on

Hello, i havent blogged in a while, im not really sure why i just never have anything to blog about other than ultimate sadness but lately stuff has actually been happening so i might aswell blog about it.

Everything blew up at home and now i might be going into foster care. Im so scared, you have no idea. The thought of living with someone i dont know is terrifying me so fucking much. Mum almost kicked Nigel out insead of me having to go but she realised how much that would effect the kids and i mean, she has a point but its still not great to be told you leaving is best for the whole family. While im gone nigel will be having anger management and as a family we will be having therapy. Again, idk how i feel about that i just know im scared. If i do go into temporary foster care i don't get any say in who i live with for 3 fucking weeks[at least] and that annoys me a lot. I guess anything would be better than living here though, even if im with people i don't even know.

Jathryn has been a rollercoster ride tbqh. Its back to being perfect now but for a while i think jazz and i felt a bit lost. Ofc all relationships have ups and downs but its not even like we argue, we just both have major jealousy issues that we dint really know how to deal with. Anyway now Jathryn are right back on the perfect train and we are travelling along the tracks to recovery. Were both gonna get better now, were gonna be healthy and we are gonna want to live. And that's all i really have to say about Jathryn at the moment.

We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

So i think that's all i have to say for now, ill try to get into the habit of blogging again but im not making any promises.
Sleeping now, goodnight x

why is the internet my only place to get my feelings out

I am so done with this, all of it. I'm done with recovery, I've been trying for 6 months now, 6 fucking months and all i'm doing is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to starve
I want to cut
I want to die

I don't feel like me anymore, its like someone has taken over my brain and is changing me to fit their definition of perfect. I can't even expain it, its like a big jumble in my mind of words that I can't get out. Speaking of not being able to get out, I feel trapped, like I'm in this ditch. In my ditch I'm surrounded by everything that is happening, like its all written on the walls and people are in there shouting it all at me.

I lost my grandad on Sunday the 3rd of March and its effected me so much. I still think about him everyday, its stupid because i never even talked to him, he didn't like teenagers,you see? But now hes gona all I want is to be with him. It should've been me, he deserved life, I don't. I'm sorry Grandpa Rob, I love and miss you, R.I.P.

i don't know what I want, I don't know if I want to get better or if i want to get worse. I don't know if i want to stop cutting or continue until it kills me. I don't know if i want to sort out everything with my dad or if i want him to hate me like I do. the only thing im truly certain about is that I want to die, which brings me onto promises.

I've made promises to Jazz and Jam that I won't commit, I'm afraid that I may break this promise. I don't think i can stay here anymore,don't worry I'm not doing anything tonight and Idon't have anything planned but every day I'm getting closer and closer to ending it all and soon one thing will put me over the edge and I'll just be gone.

Days self-harm free: 5

bye xo

i gve up with titles

This post is gonna be about pretty much everything. I want to start with doing a list of people i consider myself 'close' with.
Jazz
Jam
Mia-Rose
Mia-Ella
Alice
Jai
Chelsea
Millie
Chloe
Thats it. I know, I complain that I have no friends, I say I'm alone and evrything but I know I'm not. Today I felt more alone than ever, I felt like everyone was turning against me, like everyone was just ignoring me. Thing is, I can deal with being sad, I can deal with being suicidal, I can deal with being depressed but I can't deal with feeling alone or empty or numb. those three just make me want to die more than anythign ese, i can't even explain it erugh.

I've started smoking, basically I want to change everything about myself. i want to go out late drinking, I want to do drugs and dress like a slut. You may think its stupid but hoenstly, if you were to hate yoursef as much as I do you don't really care who you change into as logn as you're not you anymore. Maybe it will make me like myself? maybe it will make me get better? Maybe it will help me be a better person in some way? Long story short, I'm not doing any of that bc jazz said that if i did she would stop loving me h a h.

i giht add to this later on bye

This is my oath to you

okay so its 5:36am. I woke up at 4, watched skins and now i can't get back to sleep. My ear hurts like hell and I've run out of oj so I'm gonna blog. Right, I've been so stressed with school recently with having to pick options again and we were doing lots of tests and I've been poorly as well so its been even harder to concentrate on anything going on in the test so I'm gonna do shit, but thats okay, i already know i'm stupid. Today Jazz is in london with her grandparents, I want her to have a gr9 time, she deserves it. Mia is in france s we speak, probably sleeping. I hope she has wifi, I wouldn't want her to get sad and end up doing something silly and no be able to stop it from happening. I love all my friends and I couln't never cope with loosing any of them. not one.

Wherever you go just always remember

You gotta home for now and forever

And when you get low just call me whenever

this is my oath to you

I'm 10 days self harm free and I have recovered from my borderline bulimia. I'm really scared of it coming back because  I know if it does then its gonna be stronger and ore liking to develop more net time. I'm trying to stay positive but its hard because i've seen it happen to so many other people on twitter and it happened to Mia, I'm just really scared. In all honestly, I never wanted it to go and i still want it back but i'm too weak to get it back. I'm too weak to start purging all the time again, I'm too weak to cut everytime i binge and don't purge. I'm too weak for fasting. I'm too weak for all of that now, I'm just stuck 'getting better'.

idk im bored of blogging now
my ear hurts
my is tummy hurts probably bc im fat
im self-hating at 9am wow
lol todays gonna be shit
im alone all day
a l o n e

bye☺

Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//

ME

Oh look, Katies sad again. 

Oh look, Katies self hating again

Oh look, Kate wants to die again.

Oh look, Katie wants to tear her skin apart again

Oh look, it happens so much no-one cares anymore.

So basically, everyones got fed up of me. Everyones realise I'm always sad and chances are there isn't anything anyone can do about it. Jaz makes me better, Jazz always makes me happy, she good at that, you know? She hasn't gone yet, not quite yet. Shes gonna leave me soon though, I know she will. She will get fed up. Everyone does in the end. 

Cuts/Scars: 439[not enough]

Weight: 123lbs

Hight: 5'3

GW: 110lbs

UGW:100lbs

UGW2: 80lbs

bye

bye

I want to leave a note. I don't want to post it on twitter, I don't want anyone to know until its too late which is why I'm posting it on here. I need to say bye but I don't want anyone to stop me. I want people to understand that this is what i want, its all I want now.

Mum: goodbye mum. I'm sorry that all of this work that has gone into tryign to make me 'better' has been a waste. I'm sorry I have made things harder for you and this is why its for the ebst that I am gone. You have to remember that this is what I want. Me being here is making everything alot worse for everyone and I'm sorry. I love you, stay happy.

Ethan&Kim: Okay, hi guys. Kim, I doubt you'll ever remember me. I hope you grow up forgetting that I was even even here because you deserve happiness more than anything. I love you, beautiful. Have a good life okay? Do what you want, be free and never be sad with the way you lok because you are perfect. Ethan, you might remember me when you're older but hopefully this won't make a big impact on your life. You've never really known me it will just be like a friend moving away and now coming back. I love you, be happy and never ler anyone tell you anything that isn't that you're perfect.

Nigel&Andy&Tony: Nigel, don't blame yourself for this. I know you probably won't btu if you do then stop. You've enver really understood but I hope now that I'm gona you will realise how sad i was in life and that its better for me this way. Look after mum, don't let her be sad. Make sure she remembers I am happier now and this is what I have wanted for so long. Andy, the same for you. Don't blame yourself, none of this was your fault. I know you won't be sad and if you are then you'll get over it. Stop the drugs, stop everythng. get your life back on track and if you feel like you have no motivation then think of me. Having a real dad who cared probably would've saved me at least a tiny bit. But thank you for being there when you were. Tony, I'm not going to even pretend you'll care. stay happy

Auntie Josie&Uncle richard: Auntie Josie, don't feel like you could've saved me. You tried your hardest and I respect you so much for that. I'm really proud of you for getting through everything thats been going on, you deserve the best and I hope things are sorting themselves out for you at least a bit. Carry on with your life and normal and just remember I am happy now. Uncle Richard, I'm so proud of you. You have done so much with your life its fab. Carry on, don't get sad about me going, just smile and get on with things:)

Lucy: Hi Lucy, I don't know why i'm writing you a bit as i doubt you really care that much. We haven't know each other very long, we didn't start out very well but its all good now. Stay strong and happy, okay? Look after Jazz and anyone else that might get upset.

Jam: I'm sorry. Jam, you are beautiful, skinny and none of the bad thigns you say about yourself. stay happy, look after anyone who needs it. Eat, stop cutting, do it all for me, yeah? I love you, stay strong.

Alice: Hi Alice. This si gonna be one of the hardest ones to write. Thank you so much, you've helped me one million and I'm sorry that I don't say that enough. I love you, you are pretty and you are skinny and you are none of the bad things you say about yourself. You deserve to be happy and one day I'm sure you will be, you just need to fight it. fight it for me if not for anyone else. I knwo you don't want to get better but you should, you deserve to stop cutting and start eating properly. You deserve to live a happy life and now I'm not here for you to have to look after. ily stay strong

Chloe: Right, okay, idek how I'm going to write this btu I need to say it anyway. I'm sorry, I knwo you say I shouldn't blame myself but its hard when you have been told its your fault. You shouldn'e be liek this you used to be so happy, WE used to be so happy. You need to get better, you need to stop cutting. chloe you are perfect and you need to see that. I love you, don't be sad that I'm gone, be happy that now you don't have to look after me and that I am also happy now. I love you and I'm sorry

Mia: I'v left this oen till near the bottom because I know how hard it will be. I'm sorry I make you so sad, I' sorry you get sad at all. I wish I could've helped you more, I wish I could've made things better for you before I went but you don't need me anymore. You have everyone else, everyone loves you and just want you to be happy. You are skinny, you are beautiful, you are smart and kind. You are none of the things you say about yourself, okay? i know you won't believe me but why would I lie if I'm just about to die? I love you so much, carry on your life as normal, be happy, stay with euan, let him help you. Pretend I was never even here, goodbye, Mia.

Jazz: Okay, I've left this oen till last ebcause I've been dreading it for so long. I need to to know that I'm doing this for me. It says in my rules to be selfish, so I am. You don't need me as much as you think you do, you can make more friends, they will look after you and make you happy. I'm sorry I'm leaving, I know I promised I wouldn't but I can't do it anymore. I've gotten alot worse lately and its killing me. I no longer feel alive unless I'm with you. I doubt this will work, but if it does know that I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you want to die, not ever. I'm sorry i wrote that blog post, I can tell you're still upset about it and I'm so fucking sorry. i knwo you don't believe me but you are perfect. You have been my only reason to stay for so long but now all the bad things have overpowed it and I jsut can't cope anymore. None of this was your fault, remeber that, oaky? You are skinny, You are pretty, you are smart, you are kind, you are perfectly weird, you are funny, you are cute, You are perfect. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than thank you, you have helped me through all of this btu now its jsut got too much. I'm sorry, I love you so much. Never forget me, yeah?



Okay so, I know this probably won't work, I mean, it never does and I'm sorry if I've put you through alot of stress tonight just to still be here in the morning. No-one do anything silly, okay? stay strong, all of you. I am happier now knowing that this could be my last ngith suffering. I don't expect one million people to care like they did for Mia, I don't expect that at all. I don't expect anyone to care int he morning, if i'm still here. It will jsut be another normal, shitty day.

So I'm sorry, I love you all, goodbye.
Katie, the one that committed suicide.