i gve up with titles

This post is gonna be about pretty much everything. I want to start with doing a list of people i consider myself 'close' with.
Jazz
Jam
Mia-Rose
Mia-Ella
Alice
Jai
Chelsea
Millie
Chloe
Thats it. I know, I complain that I have no friends, I say I'm alone and evrything but I know I'm not. Today I felt more alone than ever, I felt like everyone was turning against me, like everyone was just ignoring me. Thing is, I can deal with being sad, I can deal with being suicidal, I can deal with being depressed but I can't deal with feeling alone or empty or numb. those three just make me want to die more than anythign ese, i can't even explain it erugh.

I've started smoking, basically I want to change everything about myself. i want to go out late drinking, I want to do drugs and dress like a slut. You may think its stupid but hoenstly, if you were to hate yoursef as much as I do you don't really care who you change into as logn as you're not you anymore. Maybe it will make me like myself? maybe it will make me get better? Maybe it will help me be a better person in some way? Long story short, I'm not doing any of that bc jazz said that if i did she would stop loving me h a h.

i giht add to this later on bye