I gotta bulletproof heart♥

Ever felt like you only really have 1 friend who understands you? Yeah, it sucks tbh but I don't care I love her to pieces.

 Jazmin; Its weird how we met isn't it? I will never forget it though. That day you tweeted me telling me you lived in Hastings, us starting to talk more. It all happened so fast but I could never be more glad that it did;') Now we are so close, you are one of my best friends. You have helped me so much, you helped me with what to do with 'her', you helped me get rid of the urges and now you are helping me get skinny and I appreciate it so much. You have made me realize who I am. I hope things get better, you know, with L*** and you get her back and everything is happy again. I hope you realize that you are beautiful and perfect and you don't need to stop eating or too hurt yourself because you are brilliant. 

I love you, never forget that, okay?

How did this even happen?

Ok, now I'm petrified that you did see it. I deleted it because I for scared. I got scared of you knowing how I feel and everything changing. It becoming awkward. I mean, that could of been about anyone. Yet I can't stop thinking that it might I been about me&that now you know. You would of known it was about you. If it was about me, just tweet me saying like, monkey or some sort of animal idek. AHH PANICKING. Ugh, so confused about myself it's horrible. It's been all I can think about. Yet I still have no clue.

Not you as well.

Well, Bristol was crap. Having to spend a week pretending I was happy and no just waiting for you to call em or to text me asking to meet up. When he did I thought maybe you would come then niether of you did. ngl, it broke my heart. I understand her not being able to see me but not you. I can't loose you as well. 

Looked through baby pictures, cried. I don't know why this has suddenly started to bother me. It didn't, for ages. But suddenly its become one of those things that I can't stop thinking about.

Meh, so many feels! I can't even blog anymore, I start writing about one thing then my mind breaks down.

hold on, onto me

I keep trying to write a post then getting confused by everything in my head, I'm meant to be happy, its my birthday soon&I should be happy, excited but I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried about the amount of calories that are going to be in my birthday meal, I'm worried about it people will say stuff about my scars, I'm worried that an argument will start and we will get kick out or something, I'm worried that I'm going to have no-one to talk to. I will fast untill It come to my birthday meal or untill I have to eat. I haven't even told anyone about this, It has just been something I have had to deal with going on in my head, all the calorie counting, the guilt of eating and it feels like I have no-one I can talk to about it. I feel like i can't because everyone has there own stuff going on and they do. I know they do. I should be helping them but I can't because none of them want to talk to me about it. I used to have so many people I could open up to but now it feels like whoever I tell would judge me, call me an attention seeker. It has got to the point where I find it hard to be around people for too long because I will get upset and break down. If im talking t people on the internet then they won't know, I can pretend im alright, I can pretend im eating properly. All of this will be so much easier when I go to school because no matter where I am i can just say I have already eaten and no-one will know. 

I can't.

I just can't. I love him and of you can't get past that then, I guess you're right. We just can't be friends.

I was proud.

I was. I was genuinely proud of myself. Now I have ruined it. I killed the butterfly, I got more scars. Things were starting to look up you know? I was feeling better then this happened. It ruined everything. I know I'm a bad person, I know this is wrong but fuck it. You were keeping me going tbh. Now you have started this and I'm suddenly back at the beginning. Having to try and get back on my feet again. I dont know what this happens. Why can't I just be happy? Why does something have to ruin it and make me start again? Sam, I'm sorry, for you getting all this hate when I should be getting it. I'm sorry for giving you this idea. I'm just sorry and I love you.

But no-one cares anyway.