hold on, onto me

I keep trying to write a post then getting confused by everything in my head, I'm meant to be happy, its my birthday soon&I should be happy, excited but I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried about the amount of calories that are going to be in my birthday meal, I'm worried about it people will say stuff about my scars, I'm worried that an argument will start and we will get kick out or something, I'm worried that I'm going to have no-one to talk to. I will fast untill It come to my birthday meal or untill I have to eat. I haven't even told anyone about this, It has just been something I have had to deal with going on in my head, all the calorie counting, the guilt of eating and it feels like I have no-one I can talk to about it. I feel like i can't because everyone has there own stuff going on and they do. I know they do. I should be helping them but I can't because none of them want to talk to me about it. I used to have so many people I could open up to but now it feels like whoever I tell would judge me, call me an attention seeker. It has got to the point where I find it hard to be around people for too long because I will get upset and break down. If im talking t people on the internet then they won't know, I can pretend im alright, I can pretend im eating properly. All of this will be so much easier when I go to school because no matter where I am i can just say I have already eaten and no-one will know.