Hi
I'm in love
With this girl I met about 11 months ago
We met on a site called twitter
I really really love her
I'm not very old
Most people would say I'm not old enough to actually know what love is
but I do
I really really do
Love is that feeling in your tummy when you're going to see them
Love is wanted to be with them every second of every day
Love is being there for them, no matter what
Love is you
Love is me
Love is us
Now
I know I'm a bit of a faggot
But I just really love this girl
When I first met up with her
On the 24th of August 2012
Outside her house
She came walking across the road
I saw her perfect face and I think I died
I was a mixture of jelousy and love
Before her I never really believed in love at first sight
But now
I'm not too sure
Since that day she has saved me more times that I can count
Shes saved me from my step-dad
But most of all
She saved me from
Myself
I knoe sometimes she forgets
But she really is perfect
And I love her so so much
So Jazz
When you read this
Please smile
And remeber
I love you
thank you
Tuesday 30 July 2013
Wednesday 24 July 2013
I'm a warrior
Hello, I'm Kathryn March but most people call me Katie Wallis. for about 2 years I have struggled with self-harm. For about 1 and a half years I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and for about 1 year I have struggled with Bulimia. I'm gonna start with self-harm.
I remember my first cut, I was laying on my bed and then someone told me they had cut themselves. I remember thinking 'wow, wouldn't that hurt?' then when they told me how they done it and how it made them feel I thought 'Maybe that would make me feel better'. I stood up and walked over to my desk and picked up some scissors and used them to scratch at my hand. I felt a sudden release, kinda like an adrenalin rush. Thats when it started. Its not this persons fault. Mia blames herself for me starting this but I'm telling you now, this person wasn't her. From then on i done it for about a month then stopped for 2 months then I started again but it was worse this time. I would only cut on my left arm, never my wrist or legs because I was scared. As time when on it got worse and worse until I was cutting every day, it spread to my legs, tummy, hand, anywhere I had space. 2 months and 29 days ago I made my last cut. I consider myself a recovered self-harmer now. I hardly think about it, I never get urges and its hard to trigger me most of the time. I do show my scars, I am not ashamed. They are part of me and its in the past now.
I beat it, so can you.
Suicidal thoughts, well, where do I start. I can't remember the first time I really wanted to die. The first one I recall was when my mum had gone out to get drunk and I was home alone with Nigel. I was up in my bedroom, I walked downstairs, got a packet of ibprofen, went upstairs and took them. when i had none left, i went downstairs, put the empty packet on the side and wrote a note saying I'm sorry. Nigel found it and came upstairs and asked me what it was about, I told him i had 'done something stupid' and he called my mum and googled what he should do. My mum came home and gave me a hug but didn't really say anything. I can't remember what caused this attempt but whatever it was, I hate it. The suicidal thoughts have carried on and still haven't left. I am stronger now. I have attempted suicide about 18 times, I think but I can't remember the last time I did.
Bulimia, wow. I remember the first time I actually purged. I admit, I used to pretend I did, I was an attention seeker and I am sorry. I also admit, I was Pro-Mia and I did give myself an eating disorder and it was the worse decision I ever made. I can't remember the date but we had the whole family down for something. I ate a roll with chicken and mayo and then went upstairs and purged. I used a tooth brush because I didn't want to destroy my fingers. From then on I purged after most meals and I used to binge so I could purge. I don't now why, it seems so stupid thinking about it now. Why would I eat all of that if I hated eating then make myself throw it up? Did I like the feeling it gave me? I can't of. It just made me tired and gave me a sore throat. Anyway, I haven't purged in god knows how long, I haven't fasted in ages and ages.
I beat it, so can you.
I'm not saying I'm a really happy person now but I am saying I'm better. I still get suicidal, or often than not I want to die. I'm still sad most of the time but I don't make myself sick anymore and I don't self harm.
I have a few people I need to thank, honestly I wouldn't of done it without them. So thank you: Jazz, Jam, Mum, Chantelle, Alice, Mia, Eloise, Melissa, Emma, Mr. Sangstar, Oscar, Sue, Natalie, Jai, Chardae, Chelsea, Ashley, Millie and everyone else who has ever talked to me when I was sad, distracted me when I wanted to self-harm, looked after me when needed. Just, thank you.
I am strong
I am better
I am a warrior
<3
I remember my first cut, I was laying on my bed and then someone told me they had cut themselves. I remember thinking 'wow, wouldn't that hurt?' then when they told me how they done it and how it made them feel I thought 'Maybe that would make me feel better'. I stood up and walked over to my desk and picked up some scissors and used them to scratch at my hand. I felt a sudden release, kinda like an adrenalin rush. Thats when it started. Its not this persons fault. Mia blames herself for me starting this but I'm telling you now, this person wasn't her. From then on i done it for about a month then stopped for 2 months then I started again but it was worse this time. I would only cut on my left arm, never my wrist or legs because I was scared. As time when on it got worse and worse until I was cutting every day, it spread to my legs, tummy, hand, anywhere I had space. 2 months and 29 days ago I made my last cut. I consider myself a recovered self-harmer now. I hardly think about it, I never get urges and its hard to trigger me most of the time. I do show my scars, I am not ashamed. They are part of me and its in the past now.
I beat it, so can you.
Suicidal thoughts, well, where do I start. I can't remember the first time I really wanted to die. The first one I recall was when my mum had gone out to get drunk and I was home alone with Nigel. I was up in my bedroom, I walked downstairs, got a packet of ibprofen, went upstairs and took them. when i had none left, i went downstairs, put the empty packet on the side and wrote a note saying I'm sorry. Nigel found it and came upstairs and asked me what it was about, I told him i had 'done something stupid' and he called my mum and googled what he should do. My mum came home and gave me a hug but didn't really say anything. I can't remember what caused this attempt but whatever it was, I hate it. The suicidal thoughts have carried on and still haven't left. I am stronger now. I have attempted suicide about 18 times, I think but I can't remember the last time I did.
Bulimia, wow. I remember the first time I actually purged. I admit, I used to pretend I did, I was an attention seeker and I am sorry. I also admit, I was Pro-Mia and I did give myself an eating disorder and it was the worse decision I ever made. I can't remember the date but we had the whole family down for something. I ate a roll with chicken and mayo and then went upstairs and purged. I used a tooth brush because I didn't want to destroy my fingers. From then on I purged after most meals and I used to binge so I could purge. I don't now why, it seems so stupid thinking about it now. Why would I eat all of that if I hated eating then make myself throw it up? Did I like the feeling it gave me? I can't of. It just made me tired and gave me a sore throat. Anyway, I haven't purged in god knows how long, I haven't fasted in ages and ages.
I beat it, so can you.
I'm not saying I'm a really happy person now but I am saying I'm better. I still get suicidal, or often than not I want to die. I'm still sad most of the time but I don't make myself sick anymore and I don't self harm.
I have a few people I need to thank, honestly I wouldn't of done it without them. So thank you: Jazz, Jam, Mum, Chantelle, Alice, Mia, Eloise, Melissa, Emma, Mr. Sangstar, Oscar, Sue, Natalie, Jai, Chardae, Chelsea, Ashley, Millie and everyone else who has ever talked to me when I was sad, distracted me when I wanted to self-harm, looked after me when needed. Just, thank you.
I am strong
I am better
I am a warrior
<3
Monday 22 July 2013
-feelings-
Wow blogging I haven't done this in a while. I dont know what to write so I'm gonna copy and paste something I put on my tumblr:
Its actually really hard because last week no-one knew how bad I am at the moment and now people know they still don’t really care
I just feel like I’m not really anyones first choice or someone else is always more important than me
I’m probably just being selfish
but I just want someone to really care you know? Ive spent so long just putting the way I feel bad and pretending I’m okay so I can help others but no-one would ever do that for me. I guess I can’t expect anyone too, I don’t expect anyone too i just idk
I’m just so sad and suicidal all the time at the moment and its killing me, you know? I havent overdosed/attempted in so long and I miss the rush that you get when you know you could be dead by the time you wake up. I want that, I wan the rush, I want people to worry about me, I want someone to try and stop me but no-one takes me seriously, everyone just thinks I’m attention seeking. I’m not, well, i am but I’m not. I want somebody to care and try to make me feel better but I want to be left alone to die
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so stuck and suicidal and alone
None of this has really changed since i posted it but its not important. The most important thing right now is to help Jazz through all of this shit going on for her.
i love you jazz
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