We're the perfect two

Do you know what its like, to have the thing that keeps you going taken away? I know, I know its only a week but it felt like so much longer. The first couple of days i was alright then it started to hit me just how much i miss her and how much i need her. Its been gradually getting harder but today she sent me loads of links to a ship and all of the gifs and pictures reminded me of her and now i miss her more than i ever have. Its like a feeling in my stomach, a bit like butterflies but different. Its like, a feeling of guilt but having nothing to be guilty about, like a mixture between butterflies, guilt and sadness.  I need her, I need her more than anything ever. Its weird how dependant you become on someone, the feeling that if they were to leave you, you would have no real reason to stay alive because whats the point if they're not there to live it with you? Every night of this holiday I have wanted to go home to be with her, I really hate it. I just need to be with her, i can't do not being with her but I haven't showed that. I want her to think i'm strong even without her but i'm not. I know she is struggling so i want to show her that we can be okay without each other but truth is, i'm not okay. I hate it when i'm not with her, i worry 24/7, i cry because i get scared she is talking to Lucy, falling for Lucy again. I need her, with me, all the time. 

I am Kathryn March and I am in love with Jazmin Wolfe.

yup i needed my plans written down

okay you don't need to read this i just need my plans written down somewhere

19th: CAMHS, packing
20th: School shopping, more packing, sleeping round jazz's
21st: School, leaving for bristol
22nd: bristol
23rd: Bristol
24th: Bristol
25th: Bristol
26th: Bristol
27th: come home, pick up jazz, sleepover
28th go to nana pats in the morning, nana t's at 3
-free from then on-

You pull me aside when something ain't right, talk to me now and into the night

So, I start helenswood on Friday. Its a mufti day so idek what i'm gonna wear but thats not the point of this blog post. Mia, I'm sorry that this upsets you. I didn't think it would, i thought by now you would've got used to it. I tried to talk to you and send you a big message and stuff but i'm pretty sure I made it worse, I'm good at that. Anyway, I'm sorry but this is just the way it is now and everything else i had to say i said in the text. I know how selfish this sounds and I know this might annoy you but please be happy for me? I mean, I'm stuggling with this whole change thing enough on its own I really can't handle making sure you're okay about it as well. I don't have the strength anymore to make sure everyone else is okay with this. I just need to sort all of this out for me first then I will start with everyone else. Anyway, I'm sorry and please be happy for me, I need you to be. We will stay friends,I promise.

You're a true friends,

You're here till the end,

(miley cyus bc yolo)

I'm 9 days cut free you know? I'm starting to stuggle now but I'm trying my hardest, I really am. Its just hard with everything else going on and I get so stressed and I just need that release but I know that I can't. Well, I could but I don't want to let Jazz or anyone down. Thats who I'm doing this for, Jazz, my Auntie, my Mum and Mia. I know that even if ia doesn't talk to me about it much, she cares and wants me too get better so I'm trying. My goal is to stay clean until after I get back from my holiday, that would be good. Its scary that I might actually be getting better. I mean, I know its only 9 days but its better than nothing, right?

I'm fighting

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

I don't know what this is gonna be about sigh, probably Helenswood, eating and friends. Yup sounds good. LETS DO THIS SHIT.

Okay so, i got a place at Helendwood and that really scares me. I know everyone will hate me there. I really wanted to start new, you know? I wanted to be able to be normal, i didn't want everyone to know I cut, I didn't want anyone to know about my twitter, I didn't want anyone to know how sad I get and how much i hate myself but its too late for that. I can do it, I'm sure I can. I can go there, I can smile and eat, I can not cut in the toilets. I don't want to upset jazz while I'm there so I will eat and just purge it if i need too. I'll try not to cut there. I'm sure I won't because Jazz will be there, jazz will know if I'm gonna cut. Thats another thing that scares me, I kinda used SLA as a way of fasting and cutting without worrying about being found but I won't be able to do that there. Well, bring on net monday sigh.

This is another test

which I would fail and at my best , oh

always ending the same

Okay so, I was trying to get better. I am trying to get better but its so fucking hard. Daily I consider just giving up because skinny is everything I want at the moment. Every ngiht I tell myself I will fast tomorrow but I never do. I need skinny but I need to make Jazz proud. Today my thigh gap came, but its too small. Its needs to be bigger and one day i'll get there even if its when I'm older and I do it a healthy way. 

bored fo blogging ok bai

I don't need to be the hero tonight

I was doing so well, 30 hours, thats the longest I've ever been without eating and then i just ruin it with a binge. I was so proud of myself, well now for a few days my intake will be under 400 and then I will do another fast. I haven't purged in so long, I've been getting urges to but I pretend they aren't there beacuse I don't want to admit that I might actually be ill. I think I'm getting better, I mean, I'm happier now, most of the time anyway. I can actually be happy for more than a few hours, ofc when everyone else is sad I make myself sad because I feel guilty for being happy but still, I can actually do it, I guess the tablets are working

Open up wide

Swallow down deep

No spoonful of sugar could make it sweet

Its happened again..I've lost contact with her again. I need her and from what shes said, she need me too. They can't do this, why don't they understand that taking everything away from her isn't going to help? Honestly, if I can't see her at christmas I'm gonna freak out, I need her so much, I need to hug her, I need to go for a walk with her, anything, I just need to see her. I will go to their house if I don't have permission to see her, idec about what they say anymore

Come undone

Surrender is stronger

I don't need to be the hero tonight

'I'm probably going to attempt tonight'

Please don't do this, I know it may seem like I only care when you say things like this but thats because other times I try to hide how much it upsets me when you're sad and I can't help. When you say things like this I forget about not wanting to make myself look clingy or anything and I focus on trying to help you. You are my everything, without you I wouldn't be here now. I'm so scared that one day I'll just get a phone call from your mum or dad, they'll say that you took your own life and then they will question me as to why I didn't stop you. Please Jazz, please don't leave me to fight this alone. I can't do it alone. I know, school might be hard at the moment but soon I will be there and things will get better, I promise they will, you just need to stay for me. If not for anyone else then do it for me. Please don't go, jazz, please..

Stay for more times like this, stay for the happy times that make you forget about all the sad things, stay for me..

lol lost my temper

Its getting worse again, I hate myself more and more everyday. I have panic attacks when I have to go out because I know everyone will laugh at how disgusting I am. My make-up always goes wrong, always. My hair is shit bc I cut it. But I have to go ou- i'M TOO FUCKING STUPID AND I CAN'T EVEN WRITE CAN I JUST DIE I FUCKING HATE MYSELF KILL ME BEFORE I DO IT PLEASE JUST TAKE THE PAIN AWAY I CAN'T COPE I WANT TO DIE PLEASE PLEASE 

'Cause you feed me fables with your hand

I remember  all of our jokes, every single one. Each little saying that was so funny to us and no-one else. Each little thing we done. It feels like I've lost my best friend even though you're not really gone. i miss seeing you all the time, I miss sharing a bed with you when you came down to stay with us. I miss coming up to see you and knowing that I would actually get to see you for longer than an hour. Why did everything have to change? Why did I have to ruin everything? Don't tell me its not my faout, i know it is. I will never really accept that we will never get it back, i will forever be hoping that things will just go back to normal. I miss it, so much it hurts.
You know what else I miss? My auntie being okay. She used to come down and see us and stay with us, she used to live with us for fuck sake but you went and ruined that. Shes always been here for me, she is helping me through all of this, making everything okay. I look up to her so muhc, she didn't have a good childhood, so much owrse than what I have now but she managed to get through it. She got better, happier, she overcame depression and look at her now? she is so happy despite how much she has going on. I look up to her, so much. I would genuinly do anything just to make things good for her, to make her illness go away.

I love you Chloe&Autie Josie and I'm sorry..

Shine bright like a diamond

I'm so fucking fat, I hate it. Why can't I be like Mia or Starla or Sophie or Jazz? Why am I the fat friend? why am i the one that weighs 9st 11? Why not anyone else? What did I do? Why am I the one thats so fucking disgusting? I'm ot gonna let myself carry this on, I need to start working harder, I need to start fasting more and not givng in like the weak cunt I am, I need to be strong. Ana and Mia will help me, I know they will, I hope they will. They can make me skinny, they will make me skinny. As i'm writng this im eating a fucking toasty like the fat cunt i am. As soon as I have finished this the fast will start. I WON'T give in. I WILL be skinny, no matter how long it takes me

Christmas

I'm scared of Christmas, I don't mean like, the holiday scares me I'm just scared of how I will be on Christmas Day. Everyone will be expecting me to be happy, to join in with everything the family does, to have fun. But I'm not going to be like that, life doesn't let be be like that. I'm going ot wake up, I'll be happy and excited, everyone else will wake up. My sofa bed will be put up and me and the kids will sit on the floor. We will each open one presnt at a time just so when you're opening your one the attention is on you. I will get scared because everyone is look at me but still, I will be happy. I'll watch everyone else open there presents and I will try to ignore the voices in my head. After everyone has opened everything mum will go out to make Breakfast and I will have to eat it, after all, its Christmas. I will eat my breakfast and I will play with everything I got, as will Ethan and Kimberly. Then we will watch T.V for a while and chat about everything thats going on. I will get out and call Jazz to say merry christmas and then I will cry because I will miss her. I will wipe away the tears and go back in like nothing happened. I will go on twitter and tweet about how much I hate myself for eating that breakfast, I will still be happy but not as happy. Nigel will make some comment about me and my mood will slowly get lower and lower, still I will smile. Mum iwll offer me lunch and I will say no and she will let me off because she would prefer me to not eat than purge. I will talk to Chloe, I will ask if I can see her if I haven't already. I will still play with everything I got and watch Christmas films with Auntie Josie. We won't go out. Then Ana and Mia will start. they will tell me I'm disgusting for eating breakfast and tell me to purge it but I will know I can't because someone will hear. It will be tme for dinner, it will be a big rast that I know I will have to eat because, its christmas. By now I would no longer be happy, I would just have a smile on my face because I won't want to get anyone else down. Later on the kids will go to bed, me, mum, nigel and auntie Josie will watch T.V together and I will sit on my bed on the laptop while listening to the T.V. I will over think things but still, I will smile. Everyone else will go to bed and I will be alone. The smile will go and the blades will come out of my bag. i will cry, cut and then go to bed. Just like normal, after all, its only Christmas.

Think back and talk to me

Okay, so, I'm a massive hypocrite and I'm sorry about that. I know I told you not to let him get to you, I know I told you he didn't mean it and I believe that, when its you. But he didn't say it to you, did he? He said it to me. Its weird, I told him it didn't effect me, I acted like I was fine with it but now its going around and around in my head. I hate knowing that everyone else sees what I see. Everyone sees how ugly I am, everyone sees the me that I hide with make-up. He didn't really need to say it, I know I'm ugly, I've always know, its carved into my leg for fuck sake. But thats just me I guess. U g l y. he doesn't notice how much he effects me, he just thinks each little comment just passed right though me, but no. Even when we were friends, I still remember everything he said
                                                                'Fat whore'

shut up ugly'

'no-one loves you'

'everyone hates you'

'definitely not by someone like you'

I will always remember every little comment, every joke that I know he secretly meant. No-one really knows how much it hurts me. Each one is just like a punch in the face. Even he doesn't know how much it hurts me, I guess in a way I wish he did, I wish someone would tell him to stop doing this to people. Now, I'm going to end this post here because my blades are calling me

Over&out
Ugly x

I feel numb most of the time

This was originally a long tumblr text post but ive put it on here and edited it a bit too yay


I feel alone, I feel like even the one person who cares most is slowly giving up on me and that i don't really have anyone. I feel like all of my friends(the few i have) all hate me and are making new friends and leaving me. I always feel alone but this feels different, it feels like something has changed and im more alone than usual, if that makes sense? maybe its life telling me that its time for me to go and to stop waiting for everyone too leave me? That maybe its just my time to die. Death has been something I have wanted for so long, I've tried to commit more than 10 times now but it never works and im left feeling more of a failure than before i tried. Despite wanting to die I've been trying to get better but now I've given up, I've stopped fighting the urges, I just cut whenever i feel like I want to, I purge everything I eat in the hope that it will make me skinny and I will stop crying whenever I look in the mirror. My mum knows about everything thats going on and she is trying to help me but i feel like she is giving up, everyone is giving up on me now so why can't I just give up on myself? When I'm like this I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm trapped inside my brain and its guarded by all the negitive thoughts and voices. I don't feel like its only me in my head anymore, I feel like Ana&Mia are there too. Telling me not to eat and to purge and stuff. But then theres me, theres me telling myself to try and commit. Everyday, every. single. day. 

I got so sick of being on my own now the devil wont leave me alone

It sucks, you know? Realising just how shit everything actually is. I can't do anything, I've completely fucked up pretty much everything and its too late for me to change it. I want a real education, I want to go out with a group of people on a saturday like I used to, I want to be a normal teenager that goes out and breaks rules and has fun. I'm fed up of sitting alone in my bedroom, listening to music and on twitter&tumblr waiting for someone to do something. I don't get invited out with people, ever. Not even my ld best friend invites me to go places anymore. I'm just so fed up of being alone. ofc, i have Jazz. And Jazz is perfect and I don't really need anyone else but I want a group. I want a group of friends that care about me and I can be with 24.7 and no-one gets ignored or feels left out. I want a group like I used to have in year 7 where everything was perfect. I was happy all the time. I want that back, i need that back.
I keep trying to do some work but I can never do it. I start and then I realise that I can't do it and even at home I'm still too scared to ask for help. I don't want mum to know how much I'm struggling with all of this. I feel like I'm failing as a daughter, I should be learning and making my family proud but I can't do that because it keeps getting in the way. I go onto the website, I click on the english bit and then I start but then I give up. I always give up because I know I can't do it but I need to stop avoiding this. Its jsut gonna be so much worse at Helenswood if I don't catch up while at home.
I'm just so fed up of this shit, I want to be normal, I want to be better, I want to smile like I used too, I don't want to worry about what people think anymore, i want to be skinny, i want to die.

Decided to keep the same blog just change the URL yay

Having to make a new blog, sigh

Okay, I'm not longer posting on this blog because my mum checks it and I don't want her to. So, I will make a new one and ask me for it if you want it bc i will have to put you on the readers list. And mum, if you're wondering how I know that you read it, how else would you know about Jazz swapping the pills for a note. ok bai

This is the curse of having too much time to think about it

I'm so bored omfg wot is fun. I miss school, like i don't miss having to be there everday and how shit I felt when I was there, i miss having people to talk to everyday, I miss getting up knowing I won't be stuck at home all day. I'm just bored of this now, I want to do some form of learning but BBC bitesize is rly shit and I don't know nay others. I'm scared that when I do get too Helenswood I'm gonna be so far behind and it will be the same as SLA and no-one will help me.

ON THE BRIGHTSIDEEE; I'm going up to SLA later too see Mia, Eloise, Charlotte and Sophie. I really missed them all like, uber. Its weird because its only been like a week but it feels so much longer than that. It feels like I haven't seen any of them in like 10000000 years. I hope they want to see me, i'm a bit scared that they will be all 'ew no u left us fuk u hoe' but hey-ho, lets think positive shall we? Okay, i might write more later idk

I'll pick your feet up off of the ground and never ever let you down

I can't handle this anymore. I have so many feelings and no idea why any of them are there. It was so nice talking to you, I can't But its made me miss you even more&its made me think about things more and I know that you say its not my fault but I will always think it is.

My mind is a warrior 

My heart is a foreigner 

My eyes are the colour of red like a sunset

I've started purging more and that scares me. I feel like everyone expected it so no-one really cares. I want to tell my group or someone about it because I don't want to end up being Bulimic, I really don't but I'm scared I might be too late. Today I have purged 4 times. 4. Nothing ive eaten stays in because I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to eat. I'm too fat. I'm disgusting. I'm getting so much worse than I was before and that really scares me but right now I'm not thinking about what it could do to my insides or anything I just want skinny. I crave perfection and if I die trying at least I know I died at least close to skinny.

Be a true heart not a follower

We're not done yet

I threw them away again. I wish I didn't, I know I'm gonna end up getting more and I'm just gonna let everyone down, I know it. That scares me alot because I hate letting people down, like, I hate it more than I hate myself. I want to be strong, I want to be able to wear shorts and roll up my sleeves at home. I'm just fed up of being this way but nothing is going away. A year and 3/4 is enough, I can't live this way anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Your hand fits in mine like its made just for me..

I was so close to doing it tonight, so close. I'm still not sure if I'm happy things have turned out the way they have or not. Jazz took the tablets from my draw and replaced it with a note. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here now. This will probably be a short post but the whole thing will be about how much i love jazz so stop reading now if you don't want to read that.

Okay, I can't even explain just how much I love Jazz. I mean, I never expected to fall for her as much as I have. ngl i still remember when we started to like eachother when we were cuddling while watching friends in your bedroom. Everything was perfect, I think that was one of the times I was really happy, a time when I wouldn't of choose to die if I could do it without hurting anyone. Thats just how I feel when im with her, it feels like nothing can go wrong, like if she's there then I'm safe from everything. ofc, the voices are still there the people are still there but it feels like they can't get me. Its just when im alone. I have the relationship with her like I had with Nathan but 1000x better. All I've ever said is that I want the relationship I had with him with a different person and now i have that but its even better. There isn't any of those flaws you get in relationships, everything is just perfect. She is perfect. WE are perfect.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk

I'm awake at 6:17am, crying. I don't have school, I have no real reason to be crying. I just didn't want to wake up. I was hoping I would just die in  my sleep butI haven't and I have to face another day licing in this hell. I don't deserve to live, I'm too fat, too ugly, too stupid. I was a mistake, mum never wanted to have me&I wish she never did. Nigel  doesn't want me, no-one does anymore. i'm a l o n e. I won't cut, I won't try to commit, one day I will but not today. Today I wil smile, I will pretend that I am happy just so I don't hurt anyone any longer. I want to say sorry, to everyone I have ever hrt but that is too many people to say sorry too. All I've ever really done is hurt people.

I cannot cry because 

I know thats weakness in your eyes

One night. It was only gone for one night now you're back in my head again. I know to everyone else it seems like im making a massive deal out of this but its hard, for me. I know, Mia had it 100x worse and of course, if I could make them go away for her I would but I can't. It won't go away, the dreams that you are coming back. They make me so scared that you actually will. I know most people that were in our group have forgotten about it but it still hurts me. I still think about it everyday and you don't even know. I panic everytime I go out that you might of moved back down here, or come to visit and that I will see you. If I did see you, I wouldn't say or do anything I would cry. I can't live like this anymore, You really messed me up..

Gravity, don't mean to much to me

School

Well, the school problem is sorted. I don't know if I'm happy about it, i don't know how i feel about it tbh. ofc I'm happy that i don't have to go there anymore but im upset that I'm being homeschooled for a while. I don't want to be different. I can't help but feel like everyone is happy im gone, I mean, I know Emma, Eloise and Charlotte aren't but other than that nobody seems to care. I want people to care that I won't be there. Right now there is nothing I want more than to go to Helanswood, to be with Jazz everyday, to feel normal.

Tablets

I'm scared these tablets are going to make me worse, I'm scared that I will loose contorl and take too many and mum will know because she's the one that has to give me them. I don't trust myself.

 CAMHS

I got the letter form CAMHS about my assessment  turns out it wasn't for me to get diagnosed with anything they just put everything i said into a letter, again. FUK U CAMHS U R A POO. I'm only going the this therapy thing is to get a letter sent to Helenswood.

This post was set out a bit different but now i've run out of things to write bc im actually in a decent mood ish.

My day;

I woke up in a shit mood and got all my stuff ready. Sophie picked me up and was fine with me, she didnt ask about Sam but she did make me feel like she was judging me because of my school changing. I got to school and stood with Charlotte and Eloise until Mia got there then we have the box to Euan and stood and talking so that was fine. Then I got to form and Emma wasn't in there and we has assemblerly. I had someone kick the back of my chair loads and say 'is her face as ugly as her hair?' Then I went to business. Sophie sat with Megan, I was in my own and I had no clue what was going on so, I cried. Then it was maths, I pretended to w happy so I didn't upset Eloise and I managed to do that. I don't understand it so I didn't so it. Then it was break and I was in a alright mood and I wasn't going to cut. Then mum told me I MIGHT have to be home schooled for a while and that upset me so I went to the toilets and cut. While I was people came in and saw there was someone in the toilet. They were kicking the doer and stuff. I didn't see who it was. Then I had double Heath and social, I managed to start my assessment and stuff but then I couldn't print out the pictures so I couldn't so it. Then Me.Sangstar came and got me and told me that I could do lessons that make me sad on my own in a different room so, I'm trying that. Then at lunch I was happy but I rly wanted to cut, I didn't. In English we were sponging drawing and everyone's was so much better than mine, it always is. Then I walked Eloise to the bus stop and then walked home through filsham. Now I have to have an appointment with my targeted youth support worker then a doctors appointment. Wish me luck-_-

My day tomorrow;

Tomorrow, I will wake up in a shit mood because I will know I will have to go to this hell. I will get all of my stuff ready and decide what blade to take in. I will wait for Sophie and when she gets there she will ask me why I said she chose sam over me, i know she will. I will reply; 'thats how it feels' we will get to school and she will walk away. I will try and find Mia but she won't be there yet so I will stand on my own until Elooise comes. I will give her a hug and I will pretend I'm okay. Then Mia will get to school and I might cheer up a bit or I will just keep myself to myself and not talk to anyone. I will realise its time for form and I will sit on my won reading my book and listening to Emmas and Sams conversation and Emma will talk to me about Salvador and I won't listen. Miss will say 'Time for class' and my heart will start to beat really fast. I will go up to buissness and depending on what happens inthe morning Sophie might take to me or she will ignore me. We will have to learn stuff and I won't know whats going on;I will cry. I will then go to Maths. everyone will be laughing at me for having such a red face and they will ask me questions. The I will sit down, on a table with everyone I hate and they will mock me, as usual and i will pretend to ignore it. I won't understand the work, i never do. I will go to break and I will meet Mia, I won't show I'm upset but after about 5 minuites I will say I'm going to the toilet and I will hope she won't follow me. I will got and hide and wait for everyone to leave before I cut as much as I can, just to make myself feel better. I will cover it up and go back to Mia, if I have time. I will hope she won't mention it because she will know what I have been doing. I will try not to cry any more. I will check my timetable and I will realise I have health and social and I will cry a bit more. I will go in and sit in my seat, hoping soeone notices and asks me if I'm okay. Everyone will notice, no-one will care. I won'tlisten or so anything because I won't nderstand. I will end up walking out to my form tutor and asking hr if I could stay with her. She will leave me inthe room and I will try and clean up my arm a bit and after a while, just before the end of class I will go to lunch. I will want someone to noticeI'm upset and hug me but I won't want anyone to ask why. Secretly, I would be wishing someone would pull up my sleeves and tell me too stop because I'm ebtter than the blade. Depending on how it goes, I might cut at unch too. The it will be English, I will do it, she will shout at me because my assessment wont be good enough.then I will walk home, either on my own or with mia, I will try to smile so I don't get her down.

I will do another post tomorrow saying if this happened.

when you're alone, do you think of me?

'you to are like sisters,no-one could ever come between you'

Well they are fucking trying. I understand why, I mean, if I was the I wouldn't want someone who caused there child to ruin there body to see her either. I know she has said it isn't my fault but, it is. I will always feel like it is because you said it was. YOU. I hate this, I hate that this is playing such a big part in my life. I wish I never told anyone, it would of been better for everyone that way. You wouldn't of found out, I would have no-one trying to stop me and I could just die and no-one would be worried about it. I'm going to see you at Christmas, you promised. I will hug you and never let go. I will probably cry on you because of how guilty I will feel. im sorry for ruining you.

I won't give up on us,

Even if the skies rough

I'm giving you all my love

Still looking up

School on Monday, I think we go back on wee 2 as well so TRIPLE FUCKING HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE. First&second lesson I will sit and do nothing and Third hopefully I won't be there because im trying to get half days back. I HATE that im not strong enough to go to school, its horrible. I will take my blades in, I will try not to use them but I will take them just incase I do need them. life= a pile of poo.

*insert some sort of song lyric*

Mia is sleeping round tomorrow, that should be good. ngl, im scared. I'm scared of getting sad, im scared of us running out of things to talk about or getting bored. I'm gonna buy some enurgy drink so I will stay awake. I want it to be like old times, I want to forget everything that is bad and I want things to be good again. Like she was sayign the other day; when me and Nathan broke up for a night I didn't have to fake a smile because I was with her. Anyway, it will be good okay? We can stay up all ngith taing pictures but it will be with phones bc lost my camera lol. 

Okay bai bai..

GUESS WHOS ALREADY WORKED UP ABOUT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL?! erugh, i just hate it so much. No-one even understands how much I hate it. Gonna be skipping health and social care. I can't handle being laughed at like that again.

Its reallt getting to me that alot of people are with people tonight and im just on my own, I mean, it Halloween, i should be out, right? Anyway, this is the end of this post because i have massive urges that I can't be bothered to fight anymore, goodnight.

Dear Andy..

Dear Andy..

I'm sorry you're not really my father, if it was up too me you would be. If I could make it so I never found out, I would. I can't handle everything thats changed since I found out, you used to be there for me, you would tell me you loved me and that if any boy ever hurt me you would hurt him, haha, do you even remember that? I remember that day you were in the newspaper, nan came in and told me so I didn't find out on my own. I worry that you started taking/selling drugs because of me, was it? Was it because I cause you so much pain? Just me being alive, hurts you everyday because you're not really my dad. I doubt you really want to be either, I'm a disappointment  You didn't seem to care when I was at the hospital, you just looked bored and like you wanted to g home. Which is fair, I guess but i needed you, even when I was laying in the hospital bed you still couldn't bring yourself to hug me and tell me you love me.

If I could fix thingsfor you, I would. If I could fix everything thats happened to you and just make you okay again,I would. I would make it so you don't do that anymore. You would have nice friends that I'm not scared to be around. You wouldn't miss mum anymore because you and her would be together, happily married and I would be an only child. If I could make that happen I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can't. I want you to stop, please stop, for me. We can get the relationship we had back, you could be my dad again and we could forget about the other ones.
Please, daddy, stop this, for me.

From your loving daughter 

Katie x

Don't disturb this love of mine

LsphnikikdfbgisftgbodfthbjobDFO{~Snz[

i have to do homework soona nd then i will cry bc i wont be able to do it bc i can't do anything can I? I'm just so annoyed, not at anyone other than myself. I have ruined everything for you. I keep making you feel like crap and it can't be long until you realise how muhc of a shit person I am. Soon I will loose everything and everyone that I have and I will be alone, i know it. Everyone seems to be getting more friends again, and I'm happy for them. I have that they have more people now but I only have one person tht I talk to everday. That I feel loves me and wouldn't replace me. 

Hiya Chloe, I know you are telling me is not my fault,but it is. I will always blame myself for this because you wouldn't of considered it if it wasn't for me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined everything for you, I split up your family because of this stupid addiction I so badly want to get rid of. But it isn't going away and im sorry. please stop, I'm begging you.

Hi me, you're disgusting. you're fat and you don'tdeserve food. you're to ugly to leave the house. you're stupid, no fucking wonder you don't go to school you're an embarressment to all of you're friends. you don'tdeserve to live. DIE, BITCH, DIE.

YISDBNFC;ASVFRPAO

I don't even know how I feel

Other than week

Not good enough

failure

[this post is just gonna be lots of words ok]

I feel like I always lt everyone down, like veryone is stronger than me and are doing so much better than me

i didn't go to school today bc had CAMHS. I got Tom Robinson, mia used to see him. 

HI I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO WORDS BUT I WANT TO DO A POST BUT ASDFGHJKL

REASONS FOR SILLY MOOD

• eaten loads
• ugly
• mia is sad:c
• my music is beign stupid
• sam is being a poo
• I dont think sophie likes me
• i have PE tomorrow
• i have urges
• i want to help everyone but i dont know how
• my twitter account keeps triggering me
• i miss jazz

BUT THESE IS GOOD THINGS SO WOT

• jazz is happy
• nigel isn't being a cunt
• mia is giving me something tomorrow
• my laptop works
• i have people who care about me
• me and jazz are egtting married in a door
• jazz is doing really well with her recovery
• i have hot chocolate

SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AND BLERGHSNDIKABFRE. 

Hiya Mia, I'm gonna help you, okay? I'm gonna help you find something else to get you th same feeling as that doesn, I wil lfind something, I promise.

hiya Jazz, I'm relly proud of you and I will suppor toyu as much as I can.

Hiya Sophie, I'm sorry I dont hang out with you but its bc of Sam and he makes me want to die so soz but if you really wanted me to hang out with you then you wouldn't of choose him over me anyway, sorrynotsorry.

hiya CAMHS, I HATE YOU SO MUCH I DONT WANT THERAPY YO SAID I HAD A CHOICE BUT NOOOOO, I HAV TO HAVE IT ANYWAY U R A POO

ignore all the typos idc lol

From my diary: 13/10/12

Here I am, sitting alone in a class room pretending to have a panic attack so I don't have to go to science. My phone battery is dying and I'm bored as hell so here, lets put everyone on my mind on paper, shall we?

*Wrote lots about being worried about Mia before realising she was actually at school*

I'm going to my nans after school to weigh myself. Last time I checked I was 130lbs, if I've gained then I know I'm going to let Ana and Mia get me. If I've lost I will know I can do this without them. But I'm scared. ew why can't I be like, weightless or some shit?

*DON'T EAT*

I've just weighed myself, I lost two pounds. I know thats not great but its better than gaining or staying the same, right? I'm gonna fight Mia and Ana but if they get me, thats not my fault an dI'm sorry. Nan is going to make me eat loads, oh well, I will work it off tomorrow.

[Bit about jazz now]

Hi I'm Katie and my girlfriend is perfect. Its her birthday tomorrow, you know? She hasn't cut in almost a month and I'm so proud of her its unreal. I wish I was as strong as her, I really do, still, Happy birthday for tomorrow beautiful, I will try and mae your day as good as I can. I hope you like your present and stuff, I love you♥

You know what? I don't need lots of friends. I'm happy with just a few close friends[and cats lol] Mia, Jazz, Starla, Eloise, I love you all. Thank you, just for existing and being here for me, it means so much. Ye so thank you and ily.

^That took up 3 A5 pages lol

Each days a gift and not a given right.

suicidal~depressed~lonely~urgey~sad.

Hi, I'm katie and I want to die. I can't. I have to fight this, at least until I have given Jazz a good birthday. I want to talk to you about it, I have the chat box open, I have the message ready but I'm too scared to send it, just in case you have your own problems or your busy. People say 'I'm always here for you' but really they're not, I mean,if someone has other problems there not going to try and help you are they? Then I end up turning to them. They will make me feel better, they will make me forget about the mental pain for a bit and just focus on the physical but I don't want to have to use them. I want to someone to get with out of this without me turning to a stupid bit of metal. Yet, I'm too scared to ask for anyone to help me..

I need someone

anyone

just help..

Every morning I leave the house crying
Every morning I cry on the way to school
Every morning I stop myself crying
Every morning I start as soon a I get into form
Every morning I wish I didn't wake up
Every morning is one day closer to when I'm just going to stop trying
Every. Morning.
Every morning I wish I was dead.
One morning I will be.

And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

School. School is probably the root of all of my problems at the moment. I've been crying in almost every lesson because I'm the only one who doesn't understand and I can't cope. I know its my fault, I should never of stopped going to school but I hate it. I don't just hate it like everyone does, I hate it so much that being there makes me want to do it again. I would do anything to get out of there, even just for the day but no-one understands. No-one thinks its that important because I don't have a real reason for hating it, I mean, I don't get bullied, I don't get loads of hate or anything like that I just can't handle being there. I was f i n e at filsham, I went to school, I got on with the lessons, I managed to learn. I don't know if it was the whole change thing or anything I just can't handle it. I want to move school but mum says I can't just run away, but in all honestly if I don't get moved I will stop going completly, idc. 

I've given up in most lessons because I'm so far behind, Sophie tells me that I shouldn't give up but its hard, you know? Its hard being the only one who doesn't know whats going on, the only one who can't consentrate because she's worried about something else, worried about having to go home, worried about how much I've eaten. petrified that everyone is laughing at me because they can see I'm not doing the work, I just hate it. 

But I have to go, I have to go in. I'm going to start taking my blades, I can't do it without them. I need to know I have them if I need them. I'm sorry for not being able to do this.

I'm sorry for,

Not

being

good

enough.

OH LOOK ITS A REPLY TO MIAS POST LOL

I'm not going to make you stop hanging around with him, that would be mean. I won't make you stop hanging around with anyone. I don't want you to do things like that for me. I don't know what I want, I'm scared, genuinly petrified of us being as close as we used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved it when were were that close I'm just scared of how we will end up in the end. I will think abotu everything and decide how I feel about it all. Ofc I will stop talking about her, I mean, I knew I wouldnt end up doing that, its the same as what happened with Nathan. ok I will do another post tomorrow
ok
bye

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I shouldn't have it planned out, I know it wrong but I do. I don't know when it will happen but soon its going to all get to much and I will give in the the voices, I know it. I will cause arguments, just so no-one would miss me.I will make everyone hate me. Then, after a couple of days I will just disappear. No-one will notice, no-one will care because they all hate me. After that if I don't succeed everyday I will try again, I will keep going till I finally get what I want. 

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh..

I keep looking at my photo album of pictures of us. I miss us being close, you know? But I guess its better this way. I thought us being not as close would cause less arguments but I don't think it will. I keep getting annoyed at the tiniest thing. One day I'm not gonna be able to stop myself and I will just kick off, I know it. I apologise in advance for that. I hate the thought of us not being friends yet I can't handle feeling like I'm not as important to you as everyone else. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough to be your friend, like you used/feel like with George. I feel like you're so much better than me, I feel like you belong with George&Euan and all of them and I just follow you around and thats not what I want to do. I just want to feel good enough for you.

And we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

Well my fast failed, haha. I'm doing a new thing now, it should make me loose 5lbs. Then  can just do that and evantually get where I want to be. I'm not gonna give up, I will keep going until I get there. I'm sure. I will get everything I want.

• Hipbones
• Thigh gap
• Collarbones 
• Skinniness

'Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel'

'Calories can'y make you happy'

                                                                                                                        But here we are

We're here tonight..

Its Saturday tomorrow. I get to see Jazz tomorrow. Tomorrow Jazz can fix me. She can make it better, she can make me realise that I don't deserve to die&that I do have a reason to live. She can do it, she always can. I just need her, she is my world, I would be dead without her. She can make me change my mind, right? I just need her to hug me&tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me it will be okay and that I can get through this. I need her to tell me this isn't the end.

I wanna be drunk when I wake up, on the right side of the wrong bed

This might end up being really long idk doing it from my phone though.

I will start tomorrow, I will continue until I can't even stand. From now on, water and diet coke will be my best friends. No more than a net of 100 and if I go over I will punish myself, it's the only way I'm going to learn. I will get to my GW then I will get to my UGW if I try hard enough, right? I will not show weakness. I will make excuses for not eating. I can do this. Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel.


I'm going to stop talking to her, it's obvious that me getting close with her is hurting you so I will stop. I don't want to hurt you because after all she was your friend first, I never should of got close with her. I knew it would hurt you yet I done it anyway, I'm sorry for being such a terrible person to you. But I hope you too get close again&i won't get in the way.

I don't want to go back there but in a way, I do. I will be able to get assessed and everyone will finally realise I'm not just being stupid, I'm not just sad. They can give me tablets and get me out of this hole. They can make me better, right? I just have to say the right things, make sure I don't make myself sound happier than I really am this time. I'm pretty sure the only reason they at doing this is because of everything I said to mum yesterday morning
'It's just another reason I don't want to live'
'Im not just being stupid, I genuinely want to die'
Ergh I'm so stupid, why would I even say that? I've made things 100x worse for her.

I'm still waiting for these to heal, i don't care of its been like 2-3 days, I need them to go away. I'm fed up of panicking when I hear my family come home because I don't have a jumper on. Thing is, say that I guess really I don't want them to heal, as soon as they do I will just want them back am everyone knows I have no self-control hen it comes to this.

Anyway, life is a poo ok bai.

Just another thing I fail at.

I didn't mean to. I lost control. I couldn't do it anymore. I've let everyone down. I'm sorry. Don't tell me it's all part of recovery because its not. I took the blade to my skin. I done it. I didn't stop myself. I knew it was wrong, yet I didn't stop. I'm sorry.

First relapse; 14/10/12

Just open up, like a page in a book

AEGHISUZVAKSNA. SO MANY FEELS. This is gonna make no sense but hey, welcome to my brain.

Happy because I had an amazing time with jazz cuddling till I fell asleep, holding hands at bonfire blergh we are so cute but now she's going on holiday so I can't see her for a week. Sad because not gonna be able to see jazz and school on Monday so no friends and gonna be lonely and yeah. Angry because no-one wants to be with me at school and talking to you always makes me like this. Suicidal because nothing seems to be getting better. I have always told myself it will but it isn't and I don't know why, to me being suicidal isn't a big deal because its something I feel at least once a day, obviously if someone else feels like that it's a massive deal and I would try to help them but for me it just feels like any other feeling idek. Excited because in a week I will be able to see my baby again. Jealous because you would rather be with him, you even tweeted thy you don't need anyone else as long as you have him. Making me feel like shit, thank you:)) SO MANY URGES EWEWEW.

I just have all these feels and no-one to talk to about them I just BLERGH HATIN' LIFE WOO OK BAI

Hello, I'm Katie and I'm messed up.

This will probably just be a short post but, hello, anyone who is reading this. I'm Katie, I struggle with depression, anxiety, self harm and my family tell me I have EDNOS but I don't believe them. I need somewhere to write down my feelings so I choose a blog. I know Thai should of been my first post but I don't care. So hey, welcome to my life.

I've been in such a good mood all day, but then I called Sophie. I realised that I have no-one at school to hang around with now. Sophie will be with Sam and I HATE Sam. Mia will be with George and I don't like George so really, I'm alone. I will be that freak that sits with her form tutor at break because no-one wants her with them. I'm not say I don't understand why, I mean, I'm annoying and stupid. I'm bossy and mean. I'm fat and ugly. People should be embarrassed to be around me, they probably are to be honest. I spend so much time getting out of school just so I don't have to face it. Even when I do have people to be with I still know, secretly, they don't want me there.

Im Katie and I'm a freak
Goodnight.

Its been a month, you know?

A month since I was at the hospital
A month since I ran to you crying
A month since I had to sit in the medical room and show them my cuts
A month since done it in front of my friends and no-one noticed
A month since I hid in the toilets trying to to make a sound
A month since my mum told me she could slap me
A month since I spent the day wishing it was still going to work
A month since I go in a ambulance with the medical room lady from ym school
A month since I spent the day crying
A month since I had to explain to everyone that I was addicted to harming myself
A month since I ruined any trust my family had in me

A month since you didn't care

A month since I was laying on the hospital bed, you staring at me in disgust..

One month, 4 week, 28 days, since failure..

I know today going to be hard&I guess that's what scares me the most. How I'm going to get through it without thinking 'What if I was to do it again?' 'Would anyone notice this time?' But I can do it right? I can get through the day without doing it again, I probably won't go to school considering I've have 4 hours sleep, if that and am sitting here doing a blog post. I wish I still had my blades, I don't want to use them, I use want them there just in-case I needed them. The scars on my arm are fading and it scared the hell out of me, my leg still looks the same, fat as ever. Ont he bright side, Jazz has made today a whole lot better, I love you so much..

This bit was all jumbled up sorry, I just, idek.

Woah, everything's happening tonight, isn't it? From now on I'm giving up on myself. I will sort myself out when I have helped everyone else, I'm not important anyway. Each one of you that I mentioned in my last post I will try to help in some way, and then when I feel I have helped everyone I will start focusing on recovering myself. Obviously I will still be trying while helping other people but I won't be trying as hard. This was a pointless post tbh and I will do another one tomorrow at some point.

Just be true to who you are..

Two posts in one day, lucky you.

I feel like all of my friends are suffering in some way, well, all of them are. Anyone im close with and even someone I'm not close with are all suffering and it hurts me so much. Knowing there is nothing I can do to help any of them. Sometimes it just feels like I don't really have anyone to turn to because they all have there own problems. I feel so alone in general. I want to help each and every one of you(Jazz, Mia, Mia, Starla, Sophie)but I don't know how. But as a friend, its my place ot try and help, right? I can't just let them fall and not at least try to be there to catch them. Its not fair on them. They have always been there for me, I don't see why I can't do the same for them. I've only just realised this, but yeah, I needed to put it somewhere

I wanna be a bottle blonde, I don't know why but I feel conned

Why can't I do it? One day, for fuck sake. Its never been hard before, whats changed? I wish my friends all knew, I wish they would all stop me from eating whenever I want to. I want to starve. I feel so messed up writing this, all I really want is to be skinny, all of my friends are and I'm just that fat fuck that can;t even go a day without eating anymore. I will start again tomorrow, I know this is fuck up and I know you won't agree to this but, Mia, if you read this, if I want to eat at school, please stop me. Tell me its not worth it. Please, please, please..

(Stole this from someone else but I love it)

'Ankles together, thigh's apart if you can't see your collar bones you know where to start, you hip bones should starve and your rib bones remark ' your skinny and perfect that's who you are'

Do you wanna know a little irony about me?

I don't know if I should share this little irony about me

We've never really been 'close'. Suddenly I just feel the urge to try and help you, you don't deserve this. You are so kind and lovely you deserve happiness. I will try to talk to you as much as I can&help you, like I tried to today. I hope this will work, I hope this phase passes soon because it pains me to see you like this.

But its funny

'cause my heart started beating

it never had before today..

JAZZ HEY LOOK.

Anyone else can ignore this lol

You keep trying to get inside my head, While I keep trying to loose the words you said

I don't want to be here, with you in this house. you make me want to be sick yet I have to see you everyday. I'm scared of her going out and leaving me with you again, I'm scared of what you will say, what you will do. I can't even tell anyone, they won't believe me, they will think I'm attention seeking. I can't tell mum because I don't want to hurt her, so what are my options? I have none. I will have to stay here, living in this hell with him. Waiting for the next comment, the next joke, the next bit of violence.. 

Little girl terrified,

She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal

I don't mean to make you feel that way, like you are second choice. I don't mean to upset you by being alive. I don't mean to hurt you in any way, but I do, don't I? Just be existing hurts you. Everything I do hurts someone. I want you to tell me I would be better of dead. I want you to be honest and say how much eaiser things would be for you if I was never born, if we never got close. I'm the reason you get so much anon hate, Its because of me, what I turned myself into. I'm sorry that I have made things harder for you, hopefully I wont be alive much longer.

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all 

I knew trying to stop would be hard, I never thought it would be this hard. I don't have a choice but to stop now, do I? I have no blades, no way of doing it, even if I wanted to. Over the last year and a bit I have ruined my body, left scars everywhere that aren't going to heal. Scars that my children will ask me about, scars that will always remind me the I was this person. 

She gave it her best, she tried to fit in, she tried to be cool but she could never win,

Her mum says she great, the kids think she's weird, honestly she wish she could disappear.

I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night

Have you ever been the cause of someone wanting to/trying to end there lives? Its not a good feeling, one of the worse to be honest. I'm never going to forgive myself, for making you feel this way. I never meant for you to find them, the twitter or the tumblr. I dont understand how you did. Anyway, please, stop blaming yourself for my fuck up. You didn't put the blade in my hand did you? You didn't tell me to do it? It was my choice.

'Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect'

-Demi Lovato

On a much lighter note, I have had the most amazing day ever. The throwing away of the blades, the cuddles on my bed while watching mean girls, the spooning after the film, everything was just perfect. Everything is when I'm with you, it feels like nothing can get me down, not even the people in my head. I love you, so much..

I know I should forget but I, can't.

Today has just been so terrible. It's been one thing after another, from breaking my family apart, to cutting at break, and then boys joking about self ha in science. Days like this make me want to stop going. Make me want to stop being alive.

I knew it would happen soon&i knew it would be my fault. It always is. I'm always the one to set you off, aren't I? I guess knowing that you are coming back I should be happy about but I'm not. In a way I guess I wish you weren't coming back. I wouldn't have to spend all my time being scared of if you are going to flip out again.

Why would you joke about that? How stupid are you? You don't know who could be going through that. Who you could be hurting. Unless you have been through it, you won't understand it. At least he apologised, you didn't. You saw me running out crying, you knew it was because of you. I hate you

I need to stop taking the to school but the thought of not having them if I needed them scares me. I know it's wrong, I know it's messed up, but I can't stop. I've tried. I have. But I miss it when I do try. I miss the scars and everything about it(I use this blog as a diary a lot of the time so I won't apologise for coming across as attention seeking bc idc) anytime I try to stop I convince myself that a few more cuts won't hurt, a few more scars.

I'm a lightweight, better be careful what you say.

I want to change, during october. I'm not happy with who I am so I need to change. That's right, isn't it? I need to get rid of these terrible habits, I will change the way I act. I will start going to school more. I won't push my best friend away this time. I will get better, while doing that I will get to 7 stome. I will change the way I look, I will get my hair in a way I like it, I will sort out make-up to try and make me like my face. YEAH, MOTIVATION.

Okay, I know I blog about her to much but ahhh, everything with Jazz is perfect. She is perfect. She is the only person who can really cheer me up now, who can make me feel like I still have a reason to carry on. I've pushed everyone else away but I'm so glad I still have her and I love her ok.

Right ok bai bai.

MIA'S FACE.

Mia's face is the perfect size, not too big not to small. It is a very nice shape and all her features are in the right place. She is quite pale but the nice kind of pale not the vampire pale. Her fringe cover her face a bit but not completely and she doesn't like this. Her eyebrows are a very nice shape as are her eyes, they aren't too small or too big and are in the right place. Her nose is also a nice shape and size, I don't really know how to describe it but it is the same colour as her face and the rest of her body other than a few tan lines. Her mouth is very nice as well, it is the right shape and size and i like it? Her ears are in perfect proportion to her face, not like those weird peole with big ears and small faces. She hides her ears with her hair alot, I think. She believes that she has a big forhead but I think it is about the right size, she is very freckly and hates it but eh, freckles are cool. Her cheekbones, they are very cheekbony and stuff. Her eyes go from blue to green and back again alot. Her lips are naturally red and nicely shaped. I don't see her teeth very often so don't have much to say about them, I'm sure they are very nice though. Her chin is like a cherry shape, I think. It is nice and round, not pointy and ew. She has naturally long eyelashes and doesn't need eye make-up. Her glabella, if thats how you spell it, it the right size not too big so it makes her nose a odd shape and VERY VERY VERY STROKEABLE.

'Cause you can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart

Erugh, you're such a cunt. I actually hate you, I mean, why would you do that to her? Then move onto me? then try and say you're not a horrible person? BLERGH. H A T E  Y O U.  And I have to see you, every morning, looks like I'm sitting on my own in from waheey. kill me, kill me now. idk, everything you said to me last night, how you made me feel, everything about you just makes me want to stab you. I want you to feel the way I did last night, I want you to realise what you say, hurts people.

Looking in the rear view mirror,

Everything is so much clearer,

Watch me wave it all goodbye, goodbye.

I dreamt about you last night, after mum telling me I will see you at Christmas. I don't know how to feel about that, obviously, I want to see you but I won't be able to talk to you, I will see you and be filled with guilt and regret. Yet I miss you like hell. then again, you might not even want to see me, if not then i will know for sure that its not just you not being allowed. It weird, you helped me so much, you stopped me from doing it more than once and now you're just gone, the only way I can know if you're alright is by getting your tweets sent to my phone. I know I will be able to see him, its just you, you that I miss so much, you that I ruined the life&body of, you  that should hate me..

I'm gonna love you like I've never been broken,

I'm gonna say it like its never been spoken,

Tonight, tonight, I'm letting go

Right, I'm going to try my best to make it work with you, understand that this is new to me, I haven't been in this kinda relationship before so obviously, I will be a bit awkward at first. I will hug you like nothing has changed, I will act like nothing is different, at first. I probably won't tell anyone about it other than people who ask or read this. Two of my friends already know, and one of yours. I want to tell her but I don't know how to say it so kinda hoping she asks and is happy for me. Petrified of everyone finding out, judging me. I know it won't last, maybe about a week or two then I will continue hoping one day you suddenly fall in love with me. Hopefully, I will grow to love you, eh? 

I'm gonna give it like its never been taken

I'm gonna fall like I  don't need saving

Okay, last bit, I just wanted to say thank you, to Mia&Jazz for helping me so much last night, it means alot, I love you both ye?♥♥

I don't wanna be me.

I can't do this, I can't do it anymore. Everyday there is like, 100 more hurldles I have to try and get over and im fed up. I'm tired of trying. im tired of trying to fix everything and trying to forget how i feel. im tired of trying to get past it. I'm just tired of being alive. I get happy then something just brings me back down&im fed up. I can't do it. I don't care if this sounds like im just being cowardly or something, I just can't do this. I have that that so much in this post but hey, who cares? I don't expect anyone to try and save me, I don't expect anyone to even care anymore, people are probably used to it by now. I don't have that one person like you do that wants to save you, that will send you massive paragraphs about how much you mean to everyone, im alone. I don't have someone who will talk about me to there friends. I'm jelous. oh well. Now im sitting here, blood dripping down my leg the tablets in front of me, I apoligise if this does actually hurt anyone but goodbye, hopefully forever..

But what about us? What about everything we've been through?

It's always when I'm alone. When I thoughts take over and all I can think about is how disgusting I am. Tbh, anyone who reads my blog probably thinks I'm attention seeking but tbh idc. It's my blog I will post what I like ok. Right, back on subject; I hate who I am, who I have become. I hve forgotten what happiness is even though I explained it to you. I hate that I'm scared of being happy, well I'm scared of the crash I KNOW will happen after. The crash, the more scars. Okay next subject then.

Omg I did no expect that, I don't understand how anyone could like me like that. Idk, I guess I like you to. Well, hey-ho it's worth a try eh? See how it goes.

Okay bored of blogging now, watching HSM 2, jel?:)

I feel the salty waves come in, I feel them crash against my skin.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know if I should be happy he saved you or sad I couldn't do it myself? Sure, I'm delighted that he did, yet I hate myself for not being able to do anything. I considered coming to your house, just running in and telling you how much you mean to everyone and that it's not the answer. I planned it all out in my head. But I couldn't do it. I was scared. Scared that you would get annoyed with me but in reality, I would do anything to help you. Idc if you would get annoyed at me I just don't want you to have to live this way anymore. I'm not going to post this tonight, I will post it tomorrow as I don't want you to get upset anymore. But, please believe me, if there was anything I could do, I would of done it and I'm sorry, for not being good enough.

So here I am, with my best friend laying on me. It's cute:3 I love her. She seems to be able to make everything better. She has kept me from doing something I would regret tonight. I want to just say thank you, jazz. Thank you so much.


I wrote this yesterday by the way

If you feel, so empty, so used up, so let down..

You know when the one ting you were looking forward to gets taken away? It fucking sucks. Its not her fault, of course. Its mine, it mine for telling them, its mine for making your family think im a bad infulence its my fucking fault. Someone kill me? I don't want the clean arms anymore, I don't want the extra numbers on the scales so, I give up. 

I give up trying to get 'better'

I give up trying to get you to care

I give up trying to make you love me

I give up trying to be happy

I give up fake smiling

I give up holding back the tears

I don't care what people think about any of this anymore. chances are I will change my mind and go back to trying to get better but for now, I'm done.

I'm falling and you're no longer there to catch me

I'm fed up.

I'm fed up of the bad days

I'm fed up of the massive highs and painfu lows

I'm fed up of the lonelyness

I'm fed up of the self hatred

I'm fed up of the jealousy

I'm fed up of life

I'm fed up of being here

I'm just fed up of everything

'Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect'

One day, near or far I don't know, it will happen again. One day, it will work. I wold of fially got what I wanted. No-one will know, untill they find me, hanging from somewhere, then they will look at my twitter they will see how much I have been stuggling. They won't understand that this is what I want. They will just think that it was a mistake because they won't be able to face the fact that not everything is right and not everyone is always happy. To be honest, I can't wait for that say to come. The day everyone finally notices who I am, who I have been for over a year now. I will finally be gone, happy, dead.

No-one can ever change this animal i have become

Well, I fucked that up. I don't even know why I thought I could do it, why I thought I would be able to get past this. BLERGH. I have let everyone down, im a disgrace.

FRIDAY. IT WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY OMG EXCITMENT. I have missed Jazz so much tho:'c  

I'm so proud of her for being able to do this, so much I shall be making her a present, bc i luff her. Friday will be amazing though, she will be in my bed, yay:') omg I'm actually in a good mood other than what happened earlier and feeling guilty about that. Speaking of feeling guilty- Net:749- I guess its good because trying to recover but blergh, fat fat fat:'( 

OKAY BAI BAI

KNCD[;PIVSuj8k.

TOMORROW FUCKING EVENING WOT NO NO NOO. IT HURTS TO MUCH IM NOT WAITING TILL THEN SO FUCK YOU I HAD TO GO HOME FROM SCHOOL DOES THAT NOT MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT FUCKING HURTS OMG TAKE ME NOW OMG OMG.

I DONT NOT WANT THAT FUCKING BACON SANWICH IT WILL MAKE IT HURT MORE SO TRYING TO FEED ME THIS CRAP ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FATTER

BHKJAEP;GFVKLNSRFVISFVO;FGVHNIKGVR

die.

What would you say if one day I just, disappeared?

There's lots of people on this beach yet I feel so alone. Everyone keeps looking at me as they walk past, have you never seen a crying teenage girl before? All I can think about is how many calories was in that sandwich. How I deserve a cut per calorie but I can't because I'm trying to recover. Everyday it feels like recovery is getting further away, like I will never really get there. I want to be free from theses disorders but I can face the fact that I will put on that weight I spent ages trying to get rid of. I wouldn't be here, in tears, if I saw you today but no, stupid fucking buses.
I shouted at the CAMHS lady. She said that moving school won't help and that I can't just run away. She doesn't understand how shit I feel when im there. If I can't get out, frankly, I just won't go anymore. It's up to mum what she would want more.
This can't be right. I swear I can see 'failure' and 'fat' written in the stones. The voices are telling me I should just jump in the sea. And just lay. Just lay untill I die but you can't drown yourself, unfortunately. I'm scared, of myself, of what I can do to myself, of going back to school tomorrow. I'm worried that everyone hates me now. I need someone to save me. Anyone. I need to be free.

This is the memory, this is the curse of having, to much time to, think about it

It pains me that I will be leaving you, it does. Do you remember how close we used to be? You're right, it used to be like it was us against everyone, fighting the people who thought we were 'too close' or that we were 'together' or that I was copying you. Which in a way, I was. I will admit to that now. I tried to be like you. I admired you, all I wanted was to BE you. I mean, why wouldn't I? You're beautiful, smart, halarious, amazing, you were my everything. You are perfect. Even if you don't believe it. When we stopped beign close it hurt so much, for a year I had looked up to you, you were the one person I knew I could turn to and you wouldn't judge me. People used to say to me 'You are Mia are so close, what would you do if you had anargument?' And I would just reply; 'We never argue'
I don't want to eave you, I don't. But I can't be at that school anymore. I feel the same towards this school as you did to Filsham if that makes sense? But even if I'm not there, it won't change how I feel towars you. I will still lways be there for you, I will still believe that you are perfect..because, well, I love you and I always have. I realise this doesn't really have much of a point I just want you to know,
  That I love you, and you know that I don't just mean 'as a friend', I'm IN love with you and I would do anything for you to feel the same way but you don't&you never will. I wish that, if i do get in I could take you  with me and everything would be perfect but it won't.

Never forget, I love you&you are perfect. You should never let anyone tell you anything different. 

Stay strong♥

Help, I have done it again, I have been here so many times before..

I don't want to see them again, I stopped going to them for a reason, you can't just send me back? I guess it could be good because I can get them t help wit me moving but that might not even happen. I can't go there anymore.  can't do it, I can't handle the memories or the people there. Being there makes me want to die, hell, it made me try once. I will convince you it will be better for me to move and then I will get in and I will be with her and I can be happy not surrounded by bad memories. Im too scared to go back, I have been putting it off, if you haven't noticed. Tomorrow I won't be in but Wednesday I will and I will have to smile so I don't bring anoyone down, I will have to hide the fact that im in physical and emotional pain.

Why do I miss you? I can't. You're a dick. Yet I think about you everyday, I wish we were still friends and I had a chance to get back with you because in reality, you were the best thing that happened to me and now you gone. I could of got past everything else. I just need you, your hugs and kisses, you cuteness. You made me feel wanted and loved. I could of got past everything you would do t annoy me but I gave up. I lost the one thing that was perfect..

ok all done now bai bai

'Why are you so worried about me having another baby?'

Because you will forget about me
Because I will suddenly become unimportant again
Because I iwll go back to being the 'annoying' one
Because you will never have time for me
Because it will always be coming in my room
Because you already have two
Because it will cry all the time
Because we don't have enough money
Because you could get ill again
Because the other kids will get jealous
Because I will have to look after the other kids while you look after him/her

For so many more reasons that you don't even care about. You asked me about this then ignored my response. I don't want another child in this house.The ones we have are bad enough but you don't care, do you?

And we know it's never simple never easy.

I'm going to try my hardest at this. I'm going to beat this and be able to say that I'm free. We can do it eh? We can recover? It's been 4 days. I know that that's not brilliant but it's better than nothing? Even when these scars fade I'm always going to have the emotional scars. I'm never going to be able to forget all of this. Forget you and everything you caused. I guess I'm scared, in a way because I will relapse at some point and I'm scared I won't be able to just get past that or if I would go back to replying on this stupid habit. But hey, let's think positively? I'm sure I can do it with you. Obviously, if I was doing this alone I would of given up by now but I'm doing it for you because, I love you and know you can do it too. Whenever you want to cut or anything remember that time we sat at the church and take about everything or when we sat on ye roof of the hospital or when we went to the beach or town. Just remember, we are doing it together.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place?

So here I am. Sitting in the waiting room ready to go in. I'm not scared because what's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared of death. I'm not worried that something will go wrong. They asks me lots of questions about Tuesday. Asked me if I wanted to do it again, I obviously lied and said no when really I'm just hoping something does go wrong and I slowly pass away. So I don h e to be here anymore. Chances are this won't post because really slow Internet

See you on the other side.

Sorry.

Of couse I dont blame you for this. I don't blame anyone but me. I understand. I do. I just cant accept it. But I know I need to and I will. I don't know what else to say other than I would never judge you. Sure, I judge some people but I could never judge you because I know how you feel. And I'm sorry for making you feel like I blame you for this or accidentally making you jealous by going to the nurse.

I'm sorry
So sorry.

What has happened to me? I don't even know who I am anymore.

Omg today tho. Going to the nurse to ending up in an ambulance. Idk, been so weird. I don't regret it. One day, one of these will actually work. I done it in front of my friends and no-body noticed. Because everyone was to busy being happy and living the life they want. Where as me, I would do anything to be someone else. To have a life that I actually want to live. From now on I will be getting forced to eat. And forced to be happy. Why don't you understand that I want to die? I hate feeling like you don't care. I live you&watching you to care about me like I care about you. I never want to spend all day in hospital again. I never want to see CAMHS again. I just never want to be in this place but I worry I will never get out. Mia, tomorrow, could I have a hug? Sophie, tomorrow, can you make me feel like I mean something to you? Jazmin, tomorrow, can you carry on being you?:3

Can I just be happy?

HEIDNYXJEIRN

'just because I'm need space from you doesn't mean I don't care about you'
I don't understand. I need you. You kept me going for so long and now its like your just gone. If you'd till care about me then surely a text just saying you miss me&love me would be okay? Remind me that I still have you to live for. Please, Chloe, I'm begging you.

Just crash, fall down, I'll wrap my arms around, you, now

I could of done it, I was going to do it. The car was coming, I was ready to step out but something stopped me. I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to do that to YOU. Everyone else would get over it one day but you. You actually make me feel like I mean something to you, like you love me and will actually never forget me&I can safely say, I feel the same. 

 But its not that way with you is it? I mean, you have her&one day you will have him. I want you to care about me..I want a hug from you and you to tell me everything will be okay, it could save me. You could see I was crying, as you walked past today, it was obvious but you didn't even stop to say hello or ask whats wrong. I have always tried to be there for you as much as I can and even though were not as close anymore you still mean so much to me, I guess the feeling isnt mutual .

 

Lonely

Depressed

Fat

Unloved

Unneeded

Hated

Stupid

Ugly

Me

It's 3am and I'm cursing your name

I'm doing this for you. Trying to stay strong for you. Only you. You're there for me. You always are and I live you so much for that. I love you for everything you have done. Ye. We will meet tomorrow and I will hug you. So tight because you are amazing.

Omg the book I'm reading though. It's actually amazing. So dramatic. One of my 'depressing stories' in yours words. Which annoys me by the way. Idk it reminds me of like, some of the things I think about daily. Like, the amount of calories in whatever I'm about to eat. If I will have a chance to purge it ect. Brill book tho.

You, sir, are a dick. What if I told mum about that. What if she notices the bump on the back of my head? What will I say? I won't tell her, because I don't want to hurt her. But know, I will never forget this.

What if you mean this? What if you really never want to see me again? Until now I have managed to not think about this but now ive finally realised that, you hate me. You're my father and you never want to see me again. I never meant to cause this. I didn't think it would hurt you. I'm sorry.

Anyway, FUNNY PICTURE TO FIX EVERYTHING YE