I feel numb most of the time

This was originally a long tumblr text post but ive put it on here and edited it a bit too yay


I feel alone, I feel like even the one person who cares most is slowly giving up on me and that i don't really have anyone. I feel like all of my friends(the few i have) all hate me and are making new friends and leaving me. I always feel alone but this feels different, it feels like something has changed and im more alone than usual, if that makes sense? maybe its life telling me that its time for me to go and to stop waiting for everyone too leave me? That maybe its just my time to die. Death has been something I have wanted for so long, I've tried to commit more than 10 times now but it never works and im left feeling more of a failure than before i tried. Despite wanting to die I've been trying to get better but now I've given up, I've stopped fighting the urges, I just cut whenever i feel like I want to, I purge everything I eat in the hope that it will make me skinny and I will stop crying whenever I look in the mirror. My mum knows about everything thats going on and she is trying to help me but i feel like she is giving up, everyone is giving up on me now so why can't I just give up on myself? When I'm like this I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm trapped inside my brain and its guarded by all the negitive thoughts and voices. I don't feel like its only me in my head anymore, I feel like Ana&Mia are there too. Telling me not to eat and to purge and stuff. But then theres me, theres me telling myself to try and commit. Everyday, every. single. day.