Christmas

I'm scared of Christmas, I don't mean like, the holiday scares me I'm just scared of how I will be on Christmas Day. Everyone will be expecting me to be happy, to join in with everything the family does, to have fun. But I'm not going to be like that, life doesn't let be be like that. I'm going ot wake up, I'll be happy and excited, everyone else will wake up. My sofa bed will be put up and me and the kids will sit on the floor. We will each open one presnt at a time just so when you're opening your one the attention is on you. I will get scared because everyone is look at me but still, I will be happy. I'll watch everyone else open there presents and I will try to ignore the voices in my head. After everyone has opened everything mum will go out to make Breakfast and I will have to eat it, after all, its Christmas. I will eat my breakfast and I will play with everything I got, as will Ethan and Kimberly. Then we will watch T.V for a while and chat about everything thats going on. I will get out and call Jazz to say merry christmas and then I will cry because I will miss her. I will wipe away the tears and go back in like nothing happened. I will go on twitter and tweet about how much I hate myself for eating that breakfast, I will still be happy but not as happy. Nigel will make some comment about me and my mood will slowly get lower and lower, still I will smile. Mum iwll offer me lunch and I will say no and she will let me off because she would prefer me to not eat than purge. I will talk to Chloe, I will ask if I can see her if I haven't already. I will still play with everything I got and watch Christmas films with Auntie Josie. We won't go out. Then Ana and Mia will start. they will tell me I'm disgusting for eating breakfast and tell me to purge it but I will know I can't because someone will hear. It will be tme for dinner, it will be a big rast that I know I will have to eat because, its christmas. By now I would no longer be happy, I would just have a smile on my face because I won't want to get anyone else down. Later on the kids will go to bed, me, mum, nigel and auntie Josie will watch T.V together and I will sit on my bed on the laptop while listening to the T.V. I will over think things but still, I will smile. Everyone else will go to bed and I will be alone. The smile will go and the blades will come out of my bag. i will cry, cut and then go to bed. Just like normal, after all, its only Christmas.