lol lost my temper

Its getting worse again, I hate myself more and more everyday. I have panic attacks when I have to go out because I know everyone will laugh at how disgusting I am. My make-up always goes wrong, always. My hair is shit bc I cut it. But I have to go ou- i'M TOO FUCKING STUPID AND I CAN'T EVEN WRITE CAN I JUST DIE I FUCKING HATE MYSELF KILL ME BEFORE I DO IT PLEASE JUST TAKE THE PAIN AWAY I CAN'T COPE I WANT TO DIE PLEASE PLEASE 

'Cause you feed me fables with your hand

I remember  all of our jokes, every single one. Each little saying that was so funny to us and no-one else. Each little thing we done. It feels like I've lost my best friend even though you're not really gone. i miss seeing you all the time, I miss sharing a bed with you when you came down to stay with us. I miss coming up to see you and knowing that I would actually get to see you for longer than an hour. Why did everything have to change? Why did I have to ruin everything? Don't tell me its not my faout, i know it is. I will never really accept that we will never get it back, i will forever be hoping that things will just go back to normal. I miss it, so much it hurts.
You know what else I miss? My auntie being okay. She used to come down and see us and stay with us, she used to live with us for fuck sake but you went and ruined that. Shes always been here for me, she is helping me through all of this, making everything okay. I look up to her so muhc, she didn't have a good childhood, so much owrse than what I have now but she managed to get through it. She got better, happier, she overcame depression and look at her now? she is so happy despite how much she has going on. I look up to her, so much. I would genuinly do anything just to make things good for her, to make her illness go away.

I love you Chloe&Autie Josie and I'm sorry..

Shine bright like a diamond

I'm so fucking fat, I hate it. Why can't I be like Mia or Starla or Sophie or Jazz? Why am I the fat friend? why am i the one that weighs 9st 11? Why not anyone else? What did I do? Why am I the one thats so fucking disgusting? I'm ot gonna let myself carry this on, I need to start working harder, I need to start fasting more and not givng in like the weak cunt I am, I need to be strong. Ana and Mia will help me, I know they will, I hope they will. They can make me skinny, they will make me skinny. As i'm writng this im eating a fucking toasty like the fat cunt i am. As soon as I have finished this the fast will start. I WON'T give in. I WILL be skinny, no matter how long it takes me

Christmas

I'm scared of Christmas, I don't mean like, the holiday scares me I'm just scared of how I will be on Christmas Day. Everyone will be expecting me to be happy, to join in with everything the family does, to have fun. But I'm not going to be like that, life doesn't let be be like that. I'm going ot wake up, I'll be happy and excited, everyone else will wake up. My sofa bed will be put up and me and the kids will sit on the floor. We will each open one presnt at a time just so when you're opening your one the attention is on you. I will get scared because everyone is look at me but still, I will be happy. I'll watch everyone else open there presents and I will try to ignore the voices in my head. After everyone has opened everything mum will go out to make Breakfast and I will have to eat it, after all, its Christmas. I will eat my breakfast and I will play with everything I got, as will Ethan and Kimberly. Then we will watch T.V for a while and chat about everything thats going on. I will get out and call Jazz to say merry christmas and then I will cry because I will miss her. I will wipe away the tears and go back in like nothing happened. I will go on twitter and tweet about how much I hate myself for eating that breakfast, I will still be happy but not as happy. Nigel will make some comment about me and my mood will slowly get lower and lower, still I will smile. Mum iwll offer me lunch and I will say no and she will let me off because she would prefer me to not eat than purge. I will talk to Chloe, I will ask if I can see her if I haven't already. I will still play with everything I got and watch Christmas films with Auntie Josie. We won't go out. Then Ana and Mia will start. they will tell me I'm disgusting for eating breakfast and tell me to purge it but I will know I can't because someone will hear. It will be tme for dinner, it will be a big rast that I know I will have to eat because, its christmas. By now I would no longer be happy, I would just have a smile on my face because I won't want to get anyone else down. Later on the kids will go to bed, me, mum, nigel and auntie Josie will watch T.V together and I will sit on my bed on the laptop while listening to the T.V. I will over think things but still, I will smile. Everyone else will go to bed and I will be alone. The smile will go and the blades will come out of my bag. i will cry, cut and then go to bed. Just like normal, after all, its only Christmas.

Think back and talk to me

Okay, so, I'm a massive hypocrite and I'm sorry about that. I know I told you not to let him get to you, I know I told you he didn't mean it and I believe that, when its you. But he didn't say it to you, did he? He said it to me. Its weird, I told him it didn't effect me, I acted like I was fine with it but now its going around and around in my head. I hate knowing that everyone else sees what I see. Everyone sees how ugly I am, everyone sees the me that I hide with make-up. He didn't really need to say it, I know I'm ugly, I've always know, its carved into my leg for fuck sake. But thats just me I guess. U g l y. he doesn't notice how much he effects me, he just thinks each little comment just passed right though me, but no. Even when we were friends, I still remember everything he said
                                                                'Fat whore'

shut up ugly'

'no-one loves you'

'everyone hates you'

'definitely not by someone like you'

I will always remember every little comment, every joke that I know he secretly meant. No-one really knows how much it hurts me. Each one is just like a punch in the face. Even he doesn't know how much it hurts me, I guess in a way I wish he did, I wish someone would tell him to stop doing this to people. Now, I'm going to end this post here because my blades are calling me

Over&out
Ugly x

I feel numb most of the time

This was originally a long tumblr text post but ive put it on here and edited it a bit too yay


I feel alone, I feel like even the one person who cares most is slowly giving up on me and that i don't really have anyone. I feel like all of my friends(the few i have) all hate me and are making new friends and leaving me. I always feel alone but this feels different, it feels like something has changed and im more alone than usual, if that makes sense? maybe its life telling me that its time for me to go and to stop waiting for everyone too leave me? That maybe its just my time to die. Death has been something I have wanted for so long, I've tried to commit more than 10 times now but it never works and im left feeling more of a failure than before i tried. Despite wanting to die I've been trying to get better but now I've given up, I've stopped fighting the urges, I just cut whenever i feel like I want to, I purge everything I eat in the hope that it will make me skinny and I will stop crying whenever I look in the mirror. My mum knows about everything thats going on and she is trying to help me but i feel like she is giving up, everyone is giving up on me now so why can't I just give up on myself? When I'm like this I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm trapped inside my brain and its guarded by all the negitive thoughts and voices. I don't feel like its only me in my head anymore, I feel like Ana&Mia are there too. Telling me not to eat and to purge and stuff. But then theres me, theres me telling myself to try and commit. Everyday, every. single. day. 

I got so sick of being on my own now the devil wont leave me alone

It sucks, you know? Realising just how shit everything actually is. I can't do anything, I've completely fucked up pretty much everything and its too late for me to change it. I want a real education, I want to go out with a group of people on a saturday like I used to, I want to be a normal teenager that goes out and breaks rules and has fun. I'm fed up of sitting alone in my bedroom, listening to music and on twitter&tumblr waiting for someone to do something. I don't get invited out with people, ever. Not even my ld best friend invites me to go places anymore. I'm just so fed up of being alone. ofc, i have Jazz. And Jazz is perfect and I don't really need anyone else but I want a group. I want a group of friends that care about me and I can be with 24.7 and no-one gets ignored or feels left out. I want a group like I used to have in year 7 where everything was perfect. I was happy all the time. I want that back, i need that back.
I keep trying to do some work but I can never do it. I start and then I realise that I can't do it and even at home I'm still too scared to ask for help. I don't want mum to know how much I'm struggling with all of this. I feel like I'm failing as a daughter, I should be learning and making my family proud but I can't do that because it keeps getting in the way. I go onto the website, I click on the english bit and then I start but then I give up. I always give up because I know I can't do it but I need to stop avoiding this. Its jsut gonna be so much worse at Helenswood if I don't catch up while at home.
I'm just so fed up of this shit, I want to be normal, I want to be better, I want to smile like I used too, I don't want to worry about what people think anymore, i want to be skinny, i want to die.

Decided to keep the same blog just change the URL yay

Having to make a new blog, sigh

Okay, I'm not longer posting on this blog because my mum checks it and I don't want her to. So, I will make a new one and ask me for it if you want it bc i will have to put you on the readers list. And mum, if you're wondering how I know that you read it, how else would you know about Jazz swapping the pills for a note. ok bai

This is the curse of having too much time to think about it

I'm so bored omfg wot is fun. I miss school, like i don't miss having to be there everday and how shit I felt when I was there, i miss having people to talk to everyday, I miss getting up knowing I won't be stuck at home all day. I'm just bored of this now, I want to do some form of learning but BBC bitesize is rly shit and I don't know nay others. I'm scared that when I do get too Helenswood I'm gonna be so far behind and it will be the same as SLA and no-one will help me.

ON THE BRIGHTSIDEEE; I'm going up to SLA later too see Mia, Eloise, Charlotte and Sophie. I really missed them all like, uber. Its weird because its only been like a week but it feels so much longer than that. It feels like I haven't seen any of them in like 10000000 years. I hope they want to see me, i'm a bit scared that they will be all 'ew no u left us fuk u hoe' but hey-ho, lets think positive shall we? Okay, i might write more later idk

I'll pick your feet up off of the ground and never ever let you down

I can't handle this anymore. I have so many feelings and no idea why any of them are there. It was so nice talking to you, I can't But its made me miss you even more&its made me think about things more and I know that you say its not my fault but I will always think it is.

My mind is a warrior 

My heart is a foreigner 

My eyes are the colour of red like a sunset

I've started purging more and that scares me. I feel like everyone expected it so no-one really cares. I want to tell my group or someone about it because I don't want to end up being Bulimic, I really don't but I'm scared I might be too late. Today I have purged 4 times. 4. Nothing ive eaten stays in because I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to eat. I'm too fat. I'm disgusting. I'm getting so much worse than I was before and that really scares me but right now I'm not thinking about what it could do to my insides or anything I just want skinny. I crave perfection and if I die trying at least I know I died at least close to skinny.

Be a true heart not a follower

We're not done yet

I threw them away again. I wish I didn't, I know I'm gonna end up getting more and I'm just gonna let everyone down, I know it. That scares me alot because I hate letting people down, like, I hate it more than I hate myself. I want to be strong, I want to be able to wear shorts and roll up my sleeves at home. I'm just fed up of being this way but nothing is going away. A year and 3/4 is enough, I can't live this way anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Your hand fits in mine like its made just for me..

I was so close to doing it tonight, so close. I'm still not sure if I'm happy things have turned out the way they have or not. Jazz took the tablets from my draw and replaced it with a note. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here now. This will probably be a short post but the whole thing will be about how much i love jazz so stop reading now if you don't want to read that.

Okay, I can't even explain just how much I love Jazz. I mean, I never expected to fall for her as much as I have. ngl i still remember when we started to like eachother when we were cuddling while watching friends in your bedroom. Everything was perfect, I think that was one of the times I was really happy, a time when I wouldn't of choose to die if I could do it without hurting anyone. Thats just how I feel when im with her, it feels like nothing can go wrong, like if she's there then I'm safe from everything. ofc, the voices are still there the people are still there but it feels like they can't get me. Its just when im alone. I have the relationship with her like I had with Nathan but 1000x better. All I've ever said is that I want the relationship I had with him with a different person and now i have that but its even better. There isn't any of those flaws you get in relationships, everything is just perfect. She is perfect. WE are perfect.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk

I'm awake at 6:17am, crying. I don't have school, I have no real reason to be crying. I just didn't want to wake up. I was hoping I would just die in  my sleep butI haven't and I have to face another day licing in this hell. I don't deserve to live, I'm too fat, too ugly, too stupid. I was a mistake, mum never wanted to have me&I wish she never did. Nigel  doesn't want me, no-one does anymore. i'm a l o n e. I won't cut, I won't try to commit, one day I will but not today. Today I wil smile, I will pretend that I am happy just so I don't hurt anyone any longer. I want to say sorry, to everyone I have ever hrt but that is too many people to say sorry too. All I've ever really done is hurt people.

I cannot cry because 

I know thats weakness in your eyes

One night. It was only gone for one night now you're back in my head again. I know to everyone else it seems like im making a massive deal out of this but its hard, for me. I know, Mia had it 100x worse and of course, if I could make them go away for her I would but I can't. It won't go away, the dreams that you are coming back. They make me so scared that you actually will. I know most people that were in our group have forgotten about it but it still hurts me. I still think about it everyday and you don't even know. I panic everytime I go out that you might of moved back down here, or come to visit and that I will see you. If I did see you, I wouldn't say or do anything I would cry. I can't live like this anymore, You really messed me up..

Gravity, don't mean to much to me

School

Well, the school problem is sorted. I don't know if I'm happy about it, i don't know how i feel about it tbh. ofc I'm happy that i don't have to go there anymore but im upset that I'm being homeschooled for a while. I don't want to be different. I can't help but feel like everyone is happy im gone, I mean, I know Emma, Eloise and Charlotte aren't but other than that nobody seems to care. I want people to care that I won't be there. Right now there is nothing I want more than to go to Helanswood, to be with Jazz everyday, to feel normal.

Tablets

I'm scared these tablets are going to make me worse, I'm scared that I will loose contorl and take too many and mum will know because she's the one that has to give me them. I don't trust myself.

 CAMHS

I got the letter form CAMHS about my assessment  turns out it wasn't for me to get diagnosed with anything they just put everything i said into a letter, again. FUK U CAMHS U R A POO. I'm only going the this therapy thing is to get a letter sent to Helenswood.

This post was set out a bit different but now i've run out of things to write bc im actually in a decent mood ish.

My day;

I woke up in a shit mood and got all my stuff ready. Sophie picked me up and was fine with me, she didnt ask about Sam but she did make me feel like she was judging me because of my school changing. I got to school and stood with Charlotte and Eloise until Mia got there then we have the box to Euan and stood and talking so that was fine. Then I got to form and Emma wasn't in there and we has assemblerly. I had someone kick the back of my chair loads and say 'is her face as ugly as her hair?' Then I went to business. Sophie sat with Megan, I was in my own and I had no clue what was going on so, I cried. Then it was maths, I pretended to w happy so I didn't upset Eloise and I managed to do that. I don't understand it so I didn't so it. Then it was break and I was in a alright mood and I wasn't going to cut. Then mum told me I MIGHT have to be home schooled for a while and that upset me so I went to the toilets and cut. While I was people came in and saw there was someone in the toilet. They were kicking the doer and stuff. I didn't see who it was. Then I had double Heath and social, I managed to start my assessment and stuff but then I couldn't print out the pictures so I couldn't so it. Then Me.Sangstar came and got me and told me that I could do lessons that make me sad on my own in a different room so, I'm trying that. Then at lunch I was happy but I rly wanted to cut, I didn't. In English we were sponging drawing and everyone's was so much better than mine, it always is. Then I walked Eloise to the bus stop and then walked home through filsham. Now I have to have an appointment with my targeted youth support worker then a doctors appointment. Wish me luck-_-

My day tomorrow;

Tomorrow, I will wake up in a shit mood because I will know I will have to go to this hell. I will get all of my stuff ready and decide what blade to take in. I will wait for Sophie and when she gets there she will ask me why I said she chose sam over me, i know she will. I will reply; 'thats how it feels' we will get to school and she will walk away. I will try and find Mia but she won't be there yet so I will stand on my own until Elooise comes. I will give her a hug and I will pretend I'm okay. Then Mia will get to school and I might cheer up a bit or I will just keep myself to myself and not talk to anyone. I will realise its time for form and I will sit on my won reading my book and listening to Emmas and Sams conversation and Emma will talk to me about Salvador and I won't listen. Miss will say 'Time for class' and my heart will start to beat really fast. I will go up to buissness and depending on what happens inthe morning Sophie might take to me or she will ignore me. We will have to learn stuff and I won't know whats going on;I will cry. I will then go to Maths. everyone will be laughing at me for having such a red face and they will ask me questions. The I will sit down, on a table with everyone I hate and they will mock me, as usual and i will pretend to ignore it. I won't understand the work, i never do. I will go to break and I will meet Mia, I won't show I'm upset but after about 5 minuites I will say I'm going to the toilet and I will hope she won't follow me. I will got and hide and wait for everyone to leave before I cut as much as I can, just to make myself feel better. I will cover it up and go back to Mia, if I have time. I will hope she won't mention it because she will know what I have been doing. I will try not to cry any more. I will check my timetable and I will realise I have health and social and I will cry a bit more. I will go in and sit in my seat, hoping soeone notices and asks me if I'm okay. Everyone will notice, no-one will care. I won'tlisten or so anything because I won't nderstand. I will end up walking out to my form tutor and asking hr if I could stay with her. She will leave me inthe room and I will try and clean up my arm a bit and after a while, just before the end of class I will go to lunch. I will want someone to noticeI'm upset and hug me but I won't want anyone to ask why. Secretly, I would be wishing someone would pull up my sleeves and tell me too stop because I'm ebtter than the blade. Depending on how it goes, I might cut at unch too. The it will be English, I will do it, she will shout at me because my assessment wont be good enough.then I will walk home, either on my own or with mia, I will try to smile so I don't get her down.

I will do another post tomorrow saying if this happened.

when you're alone, do you think of me?

'you to are like sisters,no-one could ever come between you'

Well they are fucking trying. I understand why, I mean, if I was the I wouldn't want someone who caused there child to ruin there body to see her either. I know she has said it isn't my fault but, it is. I will always feel like it is because you said it was. YOU. I hate this, I hate that this is playing such a big part in my life. I wish I never told anyone, it would of been better for everyone that way. You wouldn't of found out, I would have no-one trying to stop me and I could just die and no-one would be worried about it. I'm going to see you at Christmas, you promised. I will hug you and never let go. I will probably cry on you because of how guilty I will feel. im sorry for ruining you.

I won't give up on us,

Even if the skies rough

I'm giving you all my love

Still looking up

School on Monday, I think we go back on wee 2 as well so TRIPLE FUCKING HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE. First&second lesson I will sit and do nothing and Third hopefully I won't be there because im trying to get half days back. I HATE that im not strong enough to go to school, its horrible. I will take my blades in, I will try not to use them but I will take them just incase I do need them. life= a pile of poo.

*insert some sort of song lyric*

Mia is sleeping round tomorrow, that should be good. ngl, im scared. I'm scared of getting sad, im scared of us running out of things to talk about or getting bored. I'm gonna buy some enurgy drink so I will stay awake. I want it to be like old times, I want to forget everything that is bad and I want things to be good again. Like she was sayign the other day; when me and Nathan broke up for a night I didn't have to fake a smile because I was with her. Anyway, it will be good okay? We can stay up all ngith taing pictures but it will be with phones bc lost my camera lol. 

Okay bai bai..