It sucks, you know? Realising just how shit everything actually is. I can't do anything, I've completely fucked up pretty much everything and its too late for me to change it. I want a real education, I want to go out with a group of people on a saturday like I used to, I want to be a normal teenager that goes out and breaks rules and has fun. I'm fed up of sitting alone in my bedroom, listening to music and on twitter&tumblr waiting for someone to do something. I don't get invited out with people, ever. Not even my ld best friend invites me to go places anymore. I'm just so fed up of being alone. ofc, i have Jazz. And Jazz is perfect and I don't really need anyone else but I want a group. I want a group of friends that care about me and I can be with 24.7 and no-one gets ignored or feels left out. I want a group like I used to have in year 7 where everything was perfect. I was happy all the time. I want that back, i need that back.
I keep trying to do some work but I can never do it. I start and then I realise that I can't do it and even at home I'm still too scared to ask for help. I don't want mum to know how much I'm struggling with all of this. I feel like I'm failing as a daughter, I should be learning and making my family proud but I can't do that because it keeps getting in the way. I go onto the website, I click on the english bit and then I start but then I give up. I always give up because I know I can't do it but I need to stop avoiding this. Its jsut gonna be so much worse at Helenswood if I don't catch up while at home.
I'm just so fed up of this shit, I want to be normal, I want to be better, I want to smile like I used too, I don't want to worry about what people think anymore, i want to be skinny, i want to die.
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