GUESS WHOS ALREADY WORKED UP ABOUT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL?! erugh, i just hate it so much. No-one even understands how much I hate it. Gonna be skipping health and social care. I can't handle being laughed at like that again.

Its reallt getting to me that alot of people are with people tonight and im just on my own, I mean, it Halloween, i should be out, right? Anyway, this is the end of this post because i have massive urges that I can't be bothered to fight anymore, goodnight.

Dear Andy..

Dear Andy..

I'm sorry you're not really my father, if it was up too me you would be. If I could make it so I never found out, I would. I can't handle everything thats changed since I found out, you used to be there for me, you would tell me you loved me and that if any boy ever hurt me you would hurt him, haha, do you even remember that? I remember that day you were in the newspaper, nan came in and told me so I didn't find out on my own. I worry that you started taking/selling drugs because of me, was it? Was it because I cause you so much pain? Just me being alive, hurts you everyday because you're not really my dad. I doubt you really want to be either, I'm a disappointment  You didn't seem to care when I was at the hospital, you just looked bored and like you wanted to g home. Which is fair, I guess but i needed you, even when I was laying in the hospital bed you still couldn't bring yourself to hug me and tell me you love me.

If I could fix thingsfor you, I would. If I could fix everything thats happened to you and just make you okay again,I would. I would make it so you don't do that anymore. You would have nice friends that I'm not scared to be around. You wouldn't miss mum anymore because you and her would be together, happily married and I would be an only child. If I could make that happen I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can't. I want you to stop, please stop, for me. We can get the relationship we had back, you could be my dad again and we could forget about the other ones.
Please, daddy, stop this, for me.

From your loving daughter 

Katie x

Don't disturb this love of mine

LsphnikikdfbgisftgbodfthbjobDFO{~Snz[

i have to do homework soona nd then i will cry bc i wont be able to do it bc i can't do anything can I? I'm just so annoyed, not at anyone other than myself. I have ruined everything for you. I keep making you feel like crap and it can't be long until you realise how muhc of a shit person I am. Soon I will loose everything and everyone that I have and I will be alone, i know it. Everyone seems to be getting more friends again, and I'm happy for them. I have that they have more people now but I only have one person tht I talk to everday. That I feel loves me and wouldn't replace me. 

Hiya Chloe, I know you are telling me is not my fault,but it is. I will always blame myself for this because you wouldn't of considered it if it wasn't for me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined everything for you, I split up your family because of this stupid addiction I so badly want to get rid of. But it isn't going away and im sorry. please stop, I'm begging you.

Hi me, you're disgusting. you're fat and you don'tdeserve food. you're to ugly to leave the house. you're stupid, no fucking wonder you don't go to school you're an embarressment to all of you're friends. you don'tdeserve to live. DIE, BITCH, DIE.

YISDBNFC;ASVFRPAO

I don't even know how I feel

Other than week

Not good enough

failure

[this post is just gonna be lots of words ok]

I feel like I always lt everyone down, like veryone is stronger than me and are doing so much better than me

i didn't go to school today bc had CAMHS. I got Tom Robinson, mia used to see him. 

HI I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO WORDS BUT I WANT TO DO A POST BUT ASDFGHJKL

REASONS FOR SILLY MOOD

• eaten loads
• ugly
• mia is sad:c
• my music is beign stupid
• sam is being a poo
• I dont think sophie likes me
• i have PE tomorrow
• i have urges
• i want to help everyone but i dont know how
• my twitter account keeps triggering me
• i miss jazz

BUT THESE IS GOOD THINGS SO WOT

• jazz is happy
• nigel isn't being a cunt
• mia is giving me something tomorrow
• my laptop works
• i have people who care about me
• me and jazz are egtting married in a door
• jazz is doing really well with her recovery
• i have hot chocolate

SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AND BLERGHSNDIKABFRE. 

Hiya Mia, I'm gonna help you, okay? I'm gonna help you find something else to get you th same feeling as that doesn, I wil lfind something, I promise.

hiya Jazz, I'm relly proud of you and I will suppor toyu as much as I can.

Hiya Sophie, I'm sorry I dont hang out with you but its bc of Sam and he makes me want to die so soz but if you really wanted me to hang out with you then you wouldn't of choose him over me anyway, sorrynotsorry.

hiya CAMHS, I HATE YOU SO MUCH I DONT WANT THERAPY YO SAID I HAD A CHOICE BUT NOOOOO, I HAV TO HAVE IT ANYWAY U R A POO

ignore all the typos idc lol

From my diary: 13/10/12

Here I am, sitting alone in a class room pretending to have a panic attack so I don't have to go to science. My phone battery is dying and I'm bored as hell so here, lets put everyone on my mind on paper, shall we?

*Wrote lots about being worried about Mia before realising she was actually at school*

I'm going to my nans after school to weigh myself. Last time I checked I was 130lbs, if I've gained then I know I'm going to let Ana and Mia get me. If I've lost I will know I can do this without them. But I'm scared. ew why can't I be like, weightless or some shit?

*DON'T EAT*

I've just weighed myself, I lost two pounds. I know thats not great but its better than gaining or staying the same, right? I'm gonna fight Mia and Ana but if they get me, thats not my fault an dI'm sorry. Nan is going to make me eat loads, oh well, I will work it off tomorrow.

[Bit about jazz now]

Hi I'm Katie and my girlfriend is perfect. Its her birthday tomorrow, you know? She hasn't cut in almost a month and I'm so proud of her its unreal. I wish I was as strong as her, I really do, still, Happy birthday for tomorrow beautiful, I will try and mae your day as good as I can. I hope you like your present and stuff, I love you♥

You know what? I don't need lots of friends. I'm happy with just a few close friends[and cats lol] Mia, Jazz, Starla, Eloise, I love you all. Thank you, just for existing and being here for me, it means so much. Ye so thank you and ily.

^That took up 3 A5 pages lol

Each days a gift and not a given right.

suicidal~depressed~lonely~urgey~sad.

Hi, I'm katie and I want to die. I can't. I have to fight this, at least until I have given Jazz a good birthday. I want to talk to you about it, I have the chat box open, I have the message ready but I'm too scared to send it, just in case you have your own problems or your busy. People say 'I'm always here for you' but really they're not, I mean,if someone has other problems there not going to try and help you are they? Then I end up turning to them. They will make me feel better, they will make me forget about the mental pain for a bit and just focus on the physical but I don't want to have to use them. I want to someone to get with out of this without me turning to a stupid bit of metal. Yet, I'm too scared to ask for anyone to help me..

I need someone

anyone

just help..

Every morning I leave the house crying
Every morning I cry on the way to school
Every morning I stop myself crying
Every morning I start as soon a I get into form
Every morning I wish I didn't wake up
Every morning is one day closer to when I'm just going to stop trying
Every. Morning.
Every morning I wish I was dead.
One morning I will be.

And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand

School. School is probably the root of all of my problems at the moment. I've been crying in almost every lesson because I'm the only one who doesn't understand and I can't cope. I know its my fault, I should never of stopped going to school but I hate it. I don't just hate it like everyone does, I hate it so much that being there makes me want to do it again. I would do anything to get out of there, even just for the day but no-one understands. No-one thinks its that important because I don't have a real reason for hating it, I mean, I don't get bullied, I don't get loads of hate or anything like that I just can't handle being there. I was f i n e at filsham, I went to school, I got on with the lessons, I managed to learn. I don't know if it was the whole change thing or anything I just can't handle it. I want to move school but mum says I can't just run away, but in all honestly if I don't get moved I will stop going completly, idc. 

I've given up in most lessons because I'm so far behind, Sophie tells me that I shouldn't give up but its hard, you know? Its hard being the only one who doesn't know whats going on, the only one who can't consentrate because she's worried about something else, worried about having to go home, worried about how much I've eaten. petrified that everyone is laughing at me because they can see I'm not doing the work, I just hate it. 

But I have to go, I have to go in. I'm going to start taking my blades, I can't do it without them. I need to know I have them if I need them. I'm sorry for not being able to do this.

I'm sorry for,

Not

being

good

enough.

OH LOOK ITS A REPLY TO MIAS POST LOL

I'm not going to make you stop hanging around with him, that would be mean. I won't make you stop hanging around with anyone. I don't want you to do things like that for me. I don't know what I want, I'm scared, genuinly petrified of us being as close as we used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved it when were were that close I'm just scared of how we will end up in the end. I will think abotu everything and decide how I feel about it all. Ofc I will stop talking about her, I mean, I knew I wouldnt end up doing that, its the same as what happened with Nathan. ok I will do another post tomorrow
ok
bye

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I shouldn't have it planned out, I know it wrong but I do. I don't know when it will happen but soon its going to all get to much and I will give in the the voices, I know it. I will cause arguments, just so no-one would miss me.I will make everyone hate me. Then, after a couple of days I will just disappear. No-one will notice, no-one will care because they all hate me. After that if I don't succeed everyday I will try again, I will keep going till I finally get what I want. 

Look at this photograph

Every time I do it makes me laugh..

I keep looking at my photo album of pictures of us. I miss us being close, you know? But I guess its better this way. I thought us being not as close would cause less arguments but I don't think it will. I keep getting annoyed at the tiniest thing. One day I'm not gonna be able to stop myself and I will just kick off, I know it. I apologise in advance for that. I hate the thought of us not being friends yet I can't handle feeling like I'm not as important to you as everyone else. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough to be your friend, like you used/feel like with George. I feel like you're so much better than me, I feel like you belong with George&Euan and all of them and I just follow you around and thats not what I want to do. I just want to feel good enough for you.

And we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat

Well my fast failed, haha. I'm doing a new thing now, it should make me loose 5lbs. Then  can just do that and evantually get where I want to be. I'm not gonna give up, I will keep going until I get there. I'm sure. I will get everything I want.

• Hipbones
• Thigh gap
• Collarbones 
• Skinniness

'Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel'

'Calories can'y make you happy'

                                                                                                                        But here we are

We're here tonight..

Its Saturday tomorrow. I get to see Jazz tomorrow. Tomorrow Jazz can fix me. She can make it better, she can make me realise that I don't deserve to die&that I do have a reason to live. She can do it, she always can. I just need her, she is my world, I would be dead without her. She can make me change my mind, right? I just need her to hug me&tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me it will be okay and that I can get through this. I need her to tell me this isn't the end.

I wanna be drunk when I wake up, on the right side of the wrong bed

This might end up being really long idk doing it from my phone though.

I will start tomorrow, I will continue until I can't even stand. From now on, water and diet coke will be my best friends. No more than a net of 100 and if I go over I will punish myself, it's the only way I'm going to learn. I will get to my GW then I will get to my UGW if I try hard enough, right? I will not show weakness. I will make excuses for not eating. I can do this. Nothing will taste as good as skinny will feel.


I'm going to stop talking to her, it's obvious that me getting close with her is hurting you so I will stop. I don't want to hurt you because after all she was your friend first, I never should of got close with her. I knew it would hurt you yet I done it anyway, I'm sorry for being such a terrible person to you. But I hope you too get close again&i won't get in the way.

I don't want to go back there but in a way, I do. I will be able to get assessed and everyone will finally realise I'm not just being stupid, I'm not just sad. They can give me tablets and get me out of this hole. They can make me better, right? I just have to say the right things, make sure I don't make myself sound happier than I really am this time. I'm pretty sure the only reason they at doing this is because of everything I said to mum yesterday morning
'It's just another reason I don't want to live'
'Im not just being stupid, I genuinely want to die'
Ergh I'm so stupid, why would I even say that? I've made things 100x worse for her.

I'm still waiting for these to heal, i don't care of its been like 2-3 days, I need them to go away. I'm fed up of panicking when I hear my family come home because I don't have a jumper on. Thing is, say that I guess really I don't want them to heal, as soon as they do I will just want them back am everyone knows I have no self-control hen it comes to this.

Anyway, life is a poo ok bai.

Just another thing I fail at.

I didn't mean to. I lost control. I couldn't do it anymore. I've let everyone down. I'm sorry. Don't tell me it's all part of recovery because its not. I took the blade to my skin. I done it. I didn't stop myself. I knew it was wrong, yet I didn't stop. I'm sorry.

First relapse; 14/10/12

Just open up, like a page in a book

AEGHISUZVAKSNA. SO MANY FEELS. This is gonna make no sense but hey, welcome to my brain.

Happy because I had an amazing time with jazz cuddling till I fell asleep, holding hands at bonfire blergh we are so cute but now she's going on holiday so I can't see her for a week. Sad because not gonna be able to see jazz and school on Monday so no friends and gonna be lonely and yeah. Angry because no-one wants to be with me at school and talking to you always makes me like this. Suicidal because nothing seems to be getting better. I have always told myself it will but it isn't and I don't know why, to me being suicidal isn't a big deal because its something I feel at least once a day, obviously if someone else feels like that it's a massive deal and I would try to help them but for me it just feels like any other feeling idek. Excited because in a week I will be able to see my baby again. Jealous because you would rather be with him, you even tweeted thy you don't need anyone else as long as you have him. Making me feel like shit, thank you:)) SO MANY URGES EWEWEW.

I just have all these feels and no-one to talk to about them I just BLERGH HATIN' LIFE WOO OK BAI

Hello, I'm Katie and I'm messed up.

This will probably just be a short post but, hello, anyone who is reading this. I'm Katie, I struggle with depression, anxiety, self harm and my family tell me I have EDNOS but I don't believe them. I need somewhere to write down my feelings so I choose a blog. I know Thai should of been my first post but I don't care. So hey, welcome to my life.

I've been in such a good mood all day, but then I called Sophie. I realised that I have no-one at school to hang around with now. Sophie will be with Sam and I HATE Sam. Mia will be with George and I don't like George so really, I'm alone. I will be that freak that sits with her form tutor at break because no-one wants her with them. I'm not say I don't understand why, I mean, I'm annoying and stupid. I'm bossy and mean. I'm fat and ugly. People should be embarrassed to be around me, they probably are to be honest. I spend so much time getting out of school just so I don't have to face it. Even when I do have people to be with I still know, secretly, they don't want me there.

Im Katie and I'm a freak
Goodnight.

Its been a month, you know?

A month since I was at the hospital
A month since I ran to you crying
A month since I had to sit in the medical room and show them my cuts
A month since done it in front of my friends and no-one noticed
A month since I hid in the toilets trying to to make a sound
A month since my mum told me she could slap me
A month since I spent the day wishing it was still going to work
A month since I go in a ambulance with the medical room lady from ym school
A month since I spent the day crying
A month since I had to explain to everyone that I was addicted to harming myself
A month since I ruined any trust my family had in me

A month since you didn't care

A month since I was laying on the hospital bed, you staring at me in disgust..

One month, 4 week, 28 days, since failure..

I know today going to be hard&I guess that's what scares me the most. How I'm going to get through it without thinking 'What if I was to do it again?' 'Would anyone notice this time?' But I can do it right? I can get through the day without doing it again, I probably won't go to school considering I've have 4 hours sleep, if that and am sitting here doing a blog post. I wish I still had my blades, I don't want to use them, I use want them there just in-case I needed them. The scars on my arm are fading and it scared the hell out of me, my leg still looks the same, fat as ever. Ont he bright side, Jazz has made today a whole lot better, I love you so much..

This bit was all jumbled up sorry, I just, idek.

Woah, everything's happening tonight, isn't it? From now on I'm giving up on myself. I will sort myself out when I have helped everyone else, I'm not important anyway. Each one of you that I mentioned in my last post I will try to help in some way, and then when I feel I have helped everyone I will start focusing on recovering myself. Obviously I will still be trying while helping other people but I won't be trying as hard. This was a pointless post tbh and I will do another one tomorrow at some point.

Just be true to who you are..

Two posts in one day, lucky you.

I feel like all of my friends are suffering in some way, well, all of them are. Anyone im close with and even someone I'm not close with are all suffering and it hurts me so much. Knowing there is nothing I can do to help any of them. Sometimes it just feels like I don't really have anyone to turn to because they all have there own problems. I feel so alone in general. I want to help each and every one of you(Jazz, Mia, Mia, Starla, Sophie)but I don't know how. But as a friend, its my place ot try and help, right? I can't just let them fall and not at least try to be there to catch them. Its not fair on them. They have always been there for me, I don't see why I can't do the same for them. I've only just realised this, but yeah, I needed to put it somewhere

I wanna be a bottle blonde, I don't know why but I feel conned

Why can't I do it? One day, for fuck sake. Its never been hard before, whats changed? I wish my friends all knew, I wish they would all stop me from eating whenever I want to. I want to starve. I feel so messed up writing this, all I really want is to be skinny, all of my friends are and I'm just that fat fuck that can;t even go a day without eating anymore. I will start again tomorrow, I know this is fuck up and I know you won't agree to this but, Mia, if you read this, if I want to eat at school, please stop me. Tell me its not worth it. Please, please, please..

(Stole this from someone else but I love it)

'Ankles together, thigh's apart if you can't see your collar bones you know where to start, you hip bones should starve and your rib bones remark ' your skinny and perfect that's who you are'

Do you wanna know a little irony about me?

I don't know if I should share this little irony about me

We've never really been 'close'. Suddenly I just feel the urge to try and help you, you don't deserve this. You are so kind and lovely you deserve happiness. I will try to talk to you as much as I can&help you, like I tried to today. I hope this will work, I hope this phase passes soon because it pains me to see you like this.

But its funny

'cause my heart started beating

it never had before today..

JAZZ HEY LOOK.

Anyone else can ignore this lol

You keep trying to get inside my head, While I keep trying to loose the words you said

I don't want to be here, with you in this house. you make me want to be sick yet I have to see you everyday. I'm scared of her going out and leaving me with you again, I'm scared of what you will say, what you will do. I can't even tell anyone, they won't believe me, they will think I'm attention seeking. I can't tell mum because I don't want to hurt her, so what are my options? I have none. I will have to stay here, living in this hell with him. Waiting for the next comment, the next joke, the next bit of violence.. 

Little girl terrified,

She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal

I don't mean to make you feel that way, like you are second choice. I don't mean to upset you by being alive. I don't mean to hurt you in any way, but I do, don't I? Just be existing hurts you. Everything I do hurts someone. I want you to tell me I would be better of dead. I want you to be honest and say how much eaiser things would be for you if I was never born, if we never got close. I'm the reason you get so much anon hate, Its because of me, what I turned myself into. I'm sorry that I have made things harder for you, hopefully I wont be alive much longer.

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

Because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all 

I knew trying to stop would be hard, I never thought it would be this hard. I don't have a choice but to stop now, do I? I have no blades, no way of doing it, even if I wanted to. Over the last year and a bit I have ruined my body, left scars everywhere that aren't going to heal. Scars that my children will ask me about, scars that will always remind me the I was this person. 

She gave it her best, she tried to fit in, she tried to be cool but she could never win,

Her mum says she great, the kids think she's weird, honestly she wish she could disappear.

I wanna make you happy, I wanna make you feel alive at night

Have you ever been the cause of someone wanting to/trying to end there lives? Its not a good feeling, one of the worse to be honest. I'm never going to forgive myself, for making you feel this way. I never meant for you to find them, the twitter or the tumblr. I dont understand how you did. Anyway, please, stop blaming yourself for my fuck up. You didn't put the blade in my hand did you? You didn't tell me to do it? It was my choice.

'Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect'

-Demi Lovato

On a much lighter note, I have had the most amazing day ever. The throwing away of the blades, the cuddles on my bed while watching mean girls, the spooning after the film, everything was just perfect. Everything is when I'm with you, it feels like nothing can get me down, not even the people in my head. I love you, so much..

I know I should forget but I, can't.

Today has just been so terrible. It's been one thing after another, from breaking my family apart, to cutting at break, and then boys joking about self ha in science. Days like this make me want to stop going. Make me want to stop being alive.

I knew it would happen soon&i knew it would be my fault. It always is. I'm always the one to set you off, aren't I? I guess knowing that you are coming back I should be happy about but I'm not. In a way I guess I wish you weren't coming back. I wouldn't have to spend all my time being scared of if you are going to flip out again.

Why would you joke about that? How stupid are you? You don't know who could be going through that. Who you could be hurting. Unless you have been through it, you won't understand it. At least he apologised, you didn't. You saw me running out crying, you knew it was because of you. I hate you

I need to stop taking the to school but the thought of not having them if I needed them scares me. I know it's wrong, I know it's messed up, but I can't stop. I've tried. I have. But I miss it when I do try. I miss the scars and everything about it(I use this blog as a diary a lot of the time so I won't apologise for coming across as attention seeking bc idc) anytime I try to stop I convince myself that a few more cuts won't hurt, a few more scars.

I'm a lightweight, better be careful what you say.

I want to change, during october. I'm not happy with who I am so I need to change. That's right, isn't it? I need to get rid of these terrible habits, I will change the way I act. I will start going to school more. I won't push my best friend away this time. I will get better, while doing that I will get to 7 stome. I will change the way I look, I will get my hair in a way I like it, I will sort out make-up to try and make me like my face. YEAH, MOTIVATION.

Okay, I know I blog about her to much but ahhh, everything with Jazz is perfect. She is perfect. She is the only person who can really cheer me up now, who can make me feel like I still have a reason to carry on. I've pushed everyone else away but I'm so glad I still have her and I love her ok.

Right ok bai bai.