this is super messy but, help

So far, I've tried to end my own like 18 times. I want to make it 19.
I feel like no-one cares enough to svae me this time, not even jazz. I'm alone, i've been left to die and thats what I'll do.

This isn't so much of a goodbye note, more of a cry for help that everyone will ignore. I'm fed up of the pain, I'm fed up of people leaving and stopping caring. I'm red up of not pretending im okay because other people are sad. I'm fed up of not being okay. I'm fed up of living a life I don't really want to be a part of.
This isn't a quick decistion, I've been thinking about it for a while and well, what do I have left to stay for right now? Jazz is angry at me, she doesn't want me. Jam is always agry at me, he just thinks im clingy and annoying. Chelsea is fed up of me. Tigs doesn't even talk to me anymore. Mia has everyone else, she doesn't need me. Starla doesn't need me.

no-one wants me you see? so I'm gonna die, like everyone wants.


this isn't a suicide note. 
Its a cry for someone to save me
please

'I want to kill myself'

'I want to kill myself'

You see, I say that a lot. I say that I want to end my life and when I say it, I mean it. It's upsetting that everyone ignores it, everyone thinks I won't do it. In all honesty, I don't know if I actually would. I don't know if I would do something that would actually kill me. I can easily do something that might kill me but it probably won't. Idk. Do u really want to die? Or do I just want the pain to end for a little while? To be numb, safe in hospital. Do I want to be admitted? Or do I just want someone to care? Do I want to be taken seriously? Or do I want everyone to forget about my problems and leave me to die? 

I never know what I want really

I know I want to be happy

I know I want to be skinny

Apparently I'm not allowed both. 

'Dont be sad'

Why would I be? What is there to be sad about? Everything is perfect

I have a famiythat love me

I have a perfect girlfriend

I don't have depression or an eating disorder? 

Why on earth would I be sad?

That is what I don't understand. Why am I sad? What is wrong with my life that makes me feel this way? 

Am I just being stupid? 

Pathetic?

Attention seeker?

Who knows. 

All I am is me, I get sad, suicdal. I hate myself a lot. I don't go out very often because I get scared that people will laugh at me. 

I know how cliche it is 

But I am just 

M e 

Scars: 

Left leg:89 

Right leg: 81

Left arm:14 

Right arm: 5

Cuts: 0

Weight: 115.8

Hight: 5'5

Days clean:25

I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

Mia 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen

I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen