I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen