Fed up.

I can garentee I'm just gonna break down tomorrow and look like an idiot. Having to keep smiling all day, just thinking abut it makes me upset. I'm not gonna be able to do it. I never can. The last few days have been like hell but I can't help but tell myself that, I don't want to be happy. If im happy for too long im always left wanting to be sad, like it doesn't feel right if I'm happy all the time. that probably makes no sense...Why can't I just be normal?