yup i needed my plans written down

okay you don't need to read this i just need my plans written down somewhere

19th: CAMHS, packing
20th: School shopping, more packing, sleeping round jazz's
21st: School, leaving for bristol
22nd: bristol
23rd: Bristol
24th: Bristol
25th: Bristol
26th: Bristol
27th: come home, pick up jazz, sleepover
28th go to nana pats in the morning, nana t's at 3
-free from then on-

You pull me aside when something ain't right, talk to me now and into the night

So, I start helenswood on Friday. Its a mufti day so idek what i'm gonna wear but thats not the point of this blog post. Mia, I'm sorry that this upsets you. I didn't think it would, i thought by now you would've got used to it. I tried to talk to you and send you a big message and stuff but i'm pretty sure I made it worse, I'm good at that. Anyway, I'm sorry but this is just the way it is now and everything else i had to say i said in the text. I know how selfish this sounds and I know this might annoy you but please be happy for me? I mean, I'm stuggling with this whole change thing enough on its own I really can't handle making sure you're okay about it as well. I don't have the strength anymore to make sure everyone else is okay with this. I just need to sort all of this out for me first then I will start with everyone else. Anyway, I'm sorry and please be happy for me, I need you to be. We will stay friends,I promise.

You're a true friends,

You're here till the end,

(miley cyus bc yolo)

I'm 9 days cut free you know? I'm starting to stuggle now but I'm trying my hardest, I really am. Its just hard with everything else going on and I get so stressed and I just need that release but I know that I can't. Well, I could but I don't want to let Jazz or anyone down. Thats who I'm doing this for, Jazz, my Auntie, my Mum and Mia. I know that even if ia doesn't talk to me about it much, she cares and wants me too get better so I'm trying. My goal is to stay clean until after I get back from my holiday, that would be good. Its scary that I might actually be getting better. I mean, I know its only 9 days but its better than nothing, right?

I'm fighting

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

I don't know what this is gonna be about sigh, probably Helenswood, eating and friends. Yup sounds good. LETS DO THIS SHIT.

Okay so, i got a place at Helendwood and that really scares me. I know everyone will hate me there. I really wanted to start new, you know? I wanted to be able to be normal, i didn't want everyone to know I cut, I didn't want anyone to know about my twitter, I didn't want anyone to know how sad I get and how much i hate myself but its too late for that. I can do it, I'm sure I can. I can go there, I can smile and eat, I can not cut in the toilets. I don't want to upset jazz while I'm there so I will eat and just purge it if i need too. I'll try not to cut there. I'm sure I won't because Jazz will be there, jazz will know if I'm gonna cut. Thats another thing that scares me, I kinda used SLA as a way of fasting and cutting without worrying about being found but I won't be able to do that there. Well, bring on net monday sigh.

This is another test

which I would fail and at my best , oh

always ending the same

Okay so, I was trying to get better. I am trying to get better but its so fucking hard. Daily I consider just giving up because skinny is everything I want at the moment. Every ngiht I tell myself I will fast tomorrow but I never do. I need skinny but I need to make Jazz proud. Today my thigh gap came, but its too small. Its needs to be bigger and one day i'll get there even if its when I'm older and I do it a healthy way. 

bored fo blogging ok bai

I don't need to be the hero tonight

I was doing so well, 30 hours, thats the longest I've ever been without eating and then i just ruin it with a binge. I was so proud of myself, well now for a few days my intake will be under 400 and then I will do another fast. I haven't purged in so long, I've been getting urges to but I pretend they aren't there beacuse I don't want to admit that I might actually be ill. I think I'm getting better, I mean, I'm happier now, most of the time anyway. I can actually be happy for more than a few hours, ofc when everyone else is sad I make myself sad because I feel guilty for being happy but still, I can actually do it, I guess the tablets are working

Open up wide

Swallow down deep

No spoonful of sugar could make it sweet

Its happened again..I've lost contact with her again. I need her and from what shes said, she need me too. They can't do this, why don't they understand that taking everything away from her isn't going to help? Honestly, if I can't see her at christmas I'm gonna freak out, I need her so much, I need to hug her, I need to go for a walk with her, anything, I just need to see her. I will go to their house if I don't have permission to see her, idec about what they say anymore

Come undone

Surrender is stronger

I don't need to be the hero tonight

'I'm probably going to attempt tonight'

Please don't do this, I know it may seem like I only care when you say things like this but thats because other times I try to hide how much it upsets me when you're sad and I can't help. When you say things like this I forget about not wanting to make myself look clingy or anything and I focus on trying to help you. You are my everything, without you I wouldn't be here now. I'm so scared that one day I'll just get a phone call from your mum or dad, they'll say that you took your own life and then they will question me as to why I didn't stop you. Please Jazz, please don't leave me to fight this alone. I can't do it alone. I know, school might be hard at the moment but soon I will be there and things will get better, I promise they will, you just need to stay for me. If not for anyone else then do it for me. Please don't go, jazz, please..

Stay for more times like this, stay for the happy times that make you forget about all the sad things, stay for me..

lol lost my temper

Its getting worse again, I hate myself more and more everyday. I have panic attacks when I have to go out because I know everyone will laugh at how disgusting I am. My make-up always goes wrong, always. My hair is shit bc I cut it. But I have to go ou- i'M TOO FUCKING STUPID AND I CAN'T EVEN WRITE CAN I JUST DIE I FUCKING HATE MYSELF KILL ME BEFORE I DO IT PLEASE JUST TAKE THE PAIN AWAY I CAN'T COPE I WANT TO DIE PLEASE PLEASE 

'Cause you feed me fables with your hand

I remember  all of our jokes, every single one. Each little saying that was so funny to us and no-one else. Each little thing we done. It feels like I've lost my best friend even though you're not really gone. i miss seeing you all the time, I miss sharing a bed with you when you came down to stay with us. I miss coming up to see you and knowing that I would actually get to see you for longer than an hour. Why did everything have to change? Why did I have to ruin everything? Don't tell me its not my faout, i know it is. I will never really accept that we will never get it back, i will forever be hoping that things will just go back to normal. I miss it, so much it hurts.
You know what else I miss? My auntie being okay. She used to come down and see us and stay with us, she used to live with us for fuck sake but you went and ruined that. Shes always been here for me, she is helping me through all of this, making everything okay. I look up to her so muhc, she didn't have a good childhood, so much owrse than what I have now but she managed to get through it. She got better, happier, she overcame depression and look at her now? she is so happy despite how much she has going on. I look up to her, so much. I would genuinly do anything just to make things good for her, to make her illness go away.

I love you Chloe&Autie Josie and I'm sorry..

Shine bright like a diamond

I'm so fucking fat, I hate it. Why can't I be like Mia or Starla or Sophie or Jazz? Why am I the fat friend? why am i the one that weighs 9st 11? Why not anyone else? What did I do? Why am I the one thats so fucking disgusting? I'm ot gonna let myself carry this on, I need to start working harder, I need to start fasting more and not givng in like the weak cunt I am, I need to be strong. Ana and Mia will help me, I know they will, I hope they will. They can make me skinny, they will make me skinny. As i'm writng this im eating a fucking toasty like the fat cunt i am. As soon as I have finished this the fast will start. I WON'T give in. I WILL be skinny, no matter how long it takes me