Wow katies blogging what is going on

Hello, i havent blogged in a while, im not really sure why i just never have anything to blog about other than ultimate sadness but lately stuff has actually been happening so i might aswell blog about it.

Everything blew up at home and now i might be going into foster care. Im so scared, you have no idea. The thought of living with someone i dont know is terrifying me so fucking much. Mum almost kicked Nigel out insead of me having to go but she realised how much that would effect the kids and i mean, she has a point but its still not great to be told you leaving is best for the whole family. While im gone nigel will be having anger management and as a family we will be having therapy. Again, idk how i feel about that i just know im scared. If i do go into temporary foster care i don't get any say in who i live with for 3 fucking weeks[at least] and that annoys me a lot. I guess anything would be better than living here though, even if im with people i don't even know.

Jathryn has been a rollercoster ride tbqh. Its back to being perfect now but for a while i think jazz and i felt a bit lost. Ofc all relationships have ups and downs but its not even like we argue, we just both have major jealousy issues that we dint really know how to deal with. Anyway now Jathryn are right back on the perfect train and we are travelling along the tracks to recovery. Were both gonna get better now, were gonna be healthy and we are gonna want to live. And that's all i really have to say about Jathryn at the moment.

We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

So i think that's all i have to say for now, ill try to get into the habit of blogging again but im not making any promises.
Sleeping now, goodnight x

why is the internet my only place to get my feelings out

I am so done with this, all of it. I'm done with recovery, I've been trying for 6 months now, 6 fucking months and all i'm doing is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to starve
I want to cut
I want to die

I don't feel like me anymore, its like someone has taken over my brain and is changing me to fit their definition of perfect. I can't even expain it, its like a big jumble in my mind of words that I can't get out. Speaking of not being able to get out, I feel trapped, like I'm in this ditch. In my ditch I'm surrounded by everything that is happening, like its all written on the walls and people are in there shouting it all at me.

I lost my grandad on Sunday the 3rd of March and its effected me so much. I still think about him everyday, its stupid because i never even talked to him, he didn't like teenagers,you see? But now hes gona all I want is to be with him. It should've been me, he deserved life, I don't. I'm sorry Grandpa Rob, I love and miss you, R.I.P.

i don't know what I want, I don't know if I want to get better or if i want to get worse. I don't know if i want to stop cutting or continue until it kills me. I don't know if i want to sort out everything with my dad or if i want him to hate me like I do. the only thing im truly certain about is that I want to die, which brings me onto promises.

I've made promises to Jazz and Jam that I won't commit, I'm afraid that I may break this promise. I don't think i can stay here anymore,don't worry I'm not doing anything tonight and Idon't have anything planned but every day I'm getting closer and closer to ending it all and soon one thing will put me over the edge and I'll just be gone.

Days self-harm free: 5

bye xo

i gve up with titles

This post is gonna be about pretty much everything. I want to start with doing a list of people i consider myself 'close' with.
Jazz
Jam
Mia-Rose
Mia-Ella
Alice
Jai
Chelsea
Millie
Chloe
Thats it. I know, I complain that I have no friends, I say I'm alone and evrything but I know I'm not. Today I felt more alone than ever, I felt like everyone was turning against me, like everyone was just ignoring me. Thing is, I can deal with being sad, I can deal with being suicidal, I can deal with being depressed but I can't deal with feeling alone or empty or numb. those three just make me want to die more than anythign ese, i can't even explain it erugh.

I've started smoking, basically I want to change everything about myself. i want to go out late drinking, I want to do drugs and dress like a slut. You may think its stupid but hoenstly, if you were to hate yoursef as much as I do you don't really care who you change into as logn as you're not you anymore. Maybe it will make me like myself? maybe it will make me get better? Maybe it will help me be a better person in some way? Long story short, I'm not doing any of that bc jazz said that if i did she would stop loving me h a h.

i giht add to this later on bye

This is my oath to you

okay so its 5:36am. I woke up at 4, watched skins and now i can't get back to sleep. My ear hurts like hell and I've run out of oj so I'm gonna blog. Right, I've been so stressed with school recently with having to pick options again and we were doing lots of tests and I've been poorly as well so its been even harder to concentrate on anything going on in the test so I'm gonna do shit, but thats okay, i already know i'm stupid. Today Jazz is in london with her grandparents, I want her to have a gr9 time, she deserves it. Mia is in france s we speak, probably sleeping. I hope she has wifi, I wouldn't want her to get sad and end up doing something silly and no be able to stop it from happening. I love all my friends and I couln't never cope with loosing any of them. not one.

Wherever you go just always remember

You gotta home for now and forever

And when you get low just call me whenever

this is my oath to you

I'm 10 days self harm free and I have recovered from my borderline bulimia. I'm really scared of it coming back because  I know if it does then its gonna be stronger and ore liking to develop more net time. I'm trying to stay positive but its hard because i've seen it happen to so many other people on twitter and it happened to Mia, I'm just really scared. In all honestly, I never wanted it to go and i still want it back but i'm too weak to get it back. I'm too weak to start purging all the time again, I'm too weak to cut everytime i binge and don't purge. I'm too weak for fasting. I'm too weak for all of that now, I'm just stuck 'getting better'.

idk im bored of blogging now
my ear hurts
my is tummy hurts probably bc im fat
im self-hating at 9am wow
lol todays gonna be shit
im alone all day
a l o n e

bye☺

Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//

ME

Oh look, Katies sad again. 

Oh look, Katies self hating again

Oh look, Kate wants to die again.

Oh look, Katie wants to tear her skin apart again

Oh look, it happens so much no-one cares anymore.

So basically, everyones got fed up of me. Everyones realise I'm always sad and chances are there isn't anything anyone can do about it. Jaz makes me better, Jazz always makes me happy, she good at that, you know? She hasn't gone yet, not quite yet. Shes gonna leave me soon though, I know she will. She will get fed up. Everyone does in the end. 

Cuts/Scars: 439[not enough]

Weight: 123lbs

Hight: 5'3

GW: 110lbs

UGW:100lbs

UGW2: 80lbs

bye

bye

I want to leave a note. I don't want to post it on twitter, I don't want anyone to know until its too late which is why I'm posting it on here. I need to say bye but I don't want anyone to stop me. I want people to understand that this is what i want, its all I want now.

Mum: goodbye mum. I'm sorry that all of this work that has gone into tryign to make me 'better' has been a waste. I'm sorry I have made things harder for you and this is why its for the ebst that I am gone. You have to remember that this is what I want. Me being here is making everything alot worse for everyone and I'm sorry. I love you, stay happy.

Ethan&Kim: Okay, hi guys. Kim, I doubt you'll ever remember me. I hope you grow up forgetting that I was even even here because you deserve happiness more than anything. I love you, beautiful. Have a good life okay? Do what you want, be free and never be sad with the way you lok because you are perfect. Ethan, you might remember me when you're older but hopefully this won't make a big impact on your life. You've never really known me it will just be like a friend moving away and now coming back. I love you, be happy and never ler anyone tell you anything that isn't that you're perfect.

Nigel&Andy&Tony: Nigel, don't blame yourself for this. I know you probably won't btu if you do then stop. You've enver really understood but I hope now that I'm gona you will realise how sad i was in life and that its better for me this way. Look after mum, don't let her be sad. Make sure she remembers I am happier now and this is what I have wanted for so long. Andy, the same for you. Don't blame yourself, none of this was your fault. I know you won't be sad and if you are then you'll get over it. Stop the drugs, stop everythng. get your life back on track and if you feel like you have no motivation then think of me. Having a real dad who cared probably would've saved me at least a tiny bit. But thank you for being there when you were. Tony, I'm not going to even pretend you'll care. stay happy

Auntie Josie&Uncle richard: Auntie Josie, don't feel like you could've saved me. You tried your hardest and I respect you so much for that. I'm really proud of you for getting through everything thats been going on, you deserve the best and I hope things are sorting themselves out for you at least a bit. Carry on with your life and normal and just remember I am happy now. Uncle Richard, I'm so proud of you. You have done so much with your life its fab. Carry on, don't get sad about me going, just smile and get on with things:)

Lucy: Hi Lucy, I don't know why i'm writing you a bit as i doubt you really care that much. We haven't know each other very long, we didn't start out very well but its all good now. Stay strong and happy, okay? Look after Jazz and anyone else that might get upset.

Jam: I'm sorry. Jam, you are beautiful, skinny and none of the bad thigns you say about yourself. stay happy, look after anyone who needs it. Eat, stop cutting, do it all for me, yeah? I love you, stay strong.

Alice: Hi Alice. This si gonna be one of the hardest ones to write. Thank you so much, you've helped me one million and I'm sorry that I don't say that enough. I love you, you are pretty and you are skinny and you are none of the bad things you say about yourself. You deserve to be happy and one day I'm sure you will be, you just need to fight it. fight it for me if not for anyone else. I knwo you don't want to get better but you should, you deserve to stop cutting and start eating properly. You deserve to live a happy life and now I'm not here for you to have to look after. ily stay strong

Chloe: Right, okay, idek how I'm going to write this btu I need to say it anyway. I'm sorry, I knwo you say I shouldn't blame myself but its hard when you have been told its your fault. You shouldn'e be liek this you used to be so happy, WE used to be so happy. You need to get better, you need to stop cutting. chloe you are perfect and you need to see that. I love you, don't be sad that I'm gone, be happy that now you don't have to look after me and that I am also happy now. I love you and I'm sorry

Mia: I'v left this oen till near the bottom because I know how hard it will be. I'm sorry I make you so sad, I' sorry you get sad at all. I wish I could've helped you more, I wish I could've made things better for you before I went but you don't need me anymore. You have everyone else, everyone loves you and just want you to be happy. You are skinny, you are beautiful, you are smart and kind. You are none of the things you say about yourself, okay? i know you won't believe me but why would I lie if I'm just about to die? I love you so much, carry on your life as normal, be happy, stay with euan, let him help you. Pretend I was never even here, goodbye, Mia.

Jazz: Okay, I've left this oen till last ebcause I've been dreading it for so long. I need to to know that I'm doing this for me. It says in my rules to be selfish, so I am. You don't need me as much as you think you do, you can make more friends, they will look after you and make you happy. I'm sorry I'm leaving, I know I promised I wouldn't but I can't do it anymore. I've gotten alot worse lately and its killing me. I no longer feel alive unless I'm with you. I doubt this will work, but if it does know that I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you want to die, not ever. I'm sorry i wrote that blog post, I can tell you're still upset about it and I'm so fucking sorry. i knwo you don't believe me but you are perfect. You have been my only reason to stay for so long but now all the bad things have overpowed it and I jsut can't cope anymore. None of this was your fault, remeber that, oaky? You are skinny, You are pretty, you are smart, you are kind, you are perfectly weird, you are funny, you are cute, You are perfect. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than thank you, you have helped me through all of this btu now its jsut got too much. I'm sorry, I love you so much. Never forget me, yeah?



Okay so, I know this probably won't work, I mean, it never does and I'm sorry if I've put you through alot of stress tonight just to still be here in the morning. No-one do anything silly, okay? stay strong, all of you. I am happier now knowing that this could be my last ngith suffering. I don't expect one million people to care like they did for Mia, I don't expect that at all. I don't expect anyone to care int he morning, if i'm still here. It will jsut be another normal, shitty day.

So I'm sorry, I love you all, goodbye.
Katie, the one that committed suicide.

I won't kiss you, because the hardest part of this is leaving you

Hi I'm suicidal, again.

It feels like I'm running out of reasons to stay

Everything that is keeping me here would be somewhat happier if I was gone

Jazz wouldn't have to deal with me getting sad

Mia wouldn't miss me

Alice could just focus on her other friends

Jam wouldn't have to talk to me in the hall

Lucy wouldn't have to pretend to like me
Chloe wouldn't have to worry about me
Chloe wouldn't be cutting
Chloe would be living a happy life
e v e r y o n e would be better of in some way without me

I guess thats what hurts the most

Not that I'm fat

ugly

stupid

worthless

and attention seeker

suicidal

fat

fat

fat

FAT

but that everyone would be happier if i was dead

gone

buried

everyone wants me dead

but thats cool because

i do too