I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

Mia 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen

I lost Internet and kept a diary kinda thing

Monday: He done it because of me. I have him those tablets, if he didn't have them maybe he wouldn't have enough to do this. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything but the least I could of done was be there for him but I didn't even do that. I'm worthless. I don't help people, jazz still gets sad at school. Jazz is still ill because she's scared that when she is better I will leave. Everything is my fault. I trigger people every fucking day. I make people sad just by being alive. This is just another reason to die. 

I want to die

I really want to die

But I won't die. Not tonight. 

Soon though

Soon I'll be out of everyone's way and people will be happier. They might not realise it as first but after a whole everyone will get better. They won't be able to admit to themselves that it's because I'm dead but they will know it's true. 

Jazz

Jam

Tigs

Chelsea

Alice

Millie 

They are all I have now. They are keeping me living. For all I know, jam could die tonight. Tigs could die tonight. Jazz could die tonight. Alice could die tonight. Chelsea could die tonight. I don't think Millie will but her alone isn't enough to keep me going. 

If any of them die I will too

Maybe not straight away but in the end, I will. 

It will kill me from the inside to the outside. 

I will make sure I die before them

I can't deal with the pain of loosing anyone again

I miss grandpa rob 

Bye

Tuesday: I'm meant to be going to sleep now but one million things going around and around in my head. I don't know why he's doing this, I don't know if I've done something or just something in him has changed or what. It scares me, he means so ducking much to me, I can't loose him, I can't. He makes me so happy, he doesn't realise it but he does.

He's never made me feel like this before, maybe it's a one time thing? Idk. I'm so confused as to what's actually happening. Erugh I'm so done with having friends. 

I'll be dead soon anyway

I'll do it Friday night 

No-one will know

Until they hear I'm dead or in hospital

Then jam can be happier, Alice can stop worrying about me, tigs will be able to focus on everything else. 

It will be eaiser for everyone when I'm gone. I'll start writing the suicide notes tomorrow, I'll leave them on my bed for people to find.

I'm going to sleep now

Good night 

Wednesday: Today was fucking shit. The doctors couldn't do anything to help me, I'm so stuck. I have no hope of getting anywhere at this rate. No-one is helping, I just have Melissa and that's it but I only see her once a week. I had a panic attack while on the phone to jam. He laughed. He probably thought I was faking it, I wasn't. There was someone following me. I did think he was going to kill me. I keep thinking he's outside my window, I'm scared to go to sleep. What if he gets me? I want to die but in a way here I suffer, people like me don't deserve to die in a nice way. 

I think I'm going ahead with the plan for Friday but I'm not too sure. I've been thinking about it alot and idk if I want to do it that way. Overdose probably won't work, I want to do it in a way where I won't fail. I won't be called an attention seeker. I want a way where I will die, no matter what, I will. 

I went to the hospital again, I might go again Friday but who knows. In meant to have the TMB gig on Saturday but im so scared. It will be so crowded, so full of people. I'm terrified. 

I want to e perfect, I've eaten way too much today

I am suicidal

Cigarette and bed

Bye

Then I got Internet back

I'm still suicidal

Who knows what will happen

Wow katies blogging what is going on

Hello, i havent blogged in a while, im not really sure why i just never have anything to blog about other than ultimate sadness but lately stuff has actually been happening so i might aswell blog about it.

Everything blew up at home and now i might be going into foster care. Im so scared, you have no idea. The thought of living with someone i dont know is terrifying me so fucking much. Mum almost kicked Nigel out insead of me having to go but she realised how much that would effect the kids and i mean, she has a point but its still not great to be told you leaving is best for the whole family. While im gone nigel will be having anger management and as a family we will be having therapy. Again, idk how i feel about that i just know im scared. If i do go into temporary foster care i don't get any say in who i live with for 3 fucking weeks[at least] and that annoys me a lot. I guess anything would be better than living here though, even if im with people i don't even know.

Jathryn has been a rollercoster ride tbqh. Its back to being perfect now but for a while i think jazz and i felt a bit lost. Ofc all relationships have ups and downs but its not even like we argue, we just both have major jealousy issues that we dint really know how to deal with. Anyway now Jathryn are right back on the perfect train and we are travelling along the tracks to recovery. Were both gonna get better now, were gonna be healthy and we are gonna want to live. And that's all i really have to say about Jathryn at the moment.

We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again

So i think that's all i have to say for now, ill try to get into the habit of blogging again but im not making any promises.
Sleeping now, goodnight x

why is the internet my only place to get my feelings out

I am so done with this, all of it. I'm done with recovery, I've been trying for 6 months now, 6 fucking months and all i'm doing is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to starve
I want to cut
I want to die

I don't feel like me anymore, its like someone has taken over my brain and is changing me to fit their definition of perfect. I can't even expain it, its like a big jumble in my mind of words that I can't get out. Speaking of not being able to get out, I feel trapped, like I'm in this ditch. In my ditch I'm surrounded by everything that is happening, like its all written on the walls and people are in there shouting it all at me.

I lost my grandad on Sunday the 3rd of March and its effected me so much. I still think about him everyday, its stupid because i never even talked to him, he didn't like teenagers,you see? But now hes gona all I want is to be with him. It should've been me, he deserved life, I don't. I'm sorry Grandpa Rob, I love and miss you, R.I.P.

i don't know what I want, I don't know if I want to get better or if i want to get worse. I don't know if i want to stop cutting or continue until it kills me. I don't know if i want to sort out everything with my dad or if i want him to hate me like I do. the only thing im truly certain about is that I want to die, which brings me onto promises.

I've made promises to Jazz and Jam that I won't commit, I'm afraid that I may break this promise. I don't think i can stay here anymore,don't worry I'm not doing anything tonight and Idon't have anything planned but every day I'm getting closer and closer to ending it all and soon one thing will put me over the edge and I'll just be gone.

Days self-harm free: 5

bye xo

i gve up with titles

This post is gonna be about pretty much everything. I want to start with doing a list of people i consider myself 'close' with.
Jazz
Jam
Mia-Rose
Mia-Ella
Alice
Jai
Chelsea
Millie
Chloe
Thats it. I know, I complain that I have no friends, I say I'm alone and evrything but I know I'm not. Today I felt more alone than ever, I felt like everyone was turning against me, like everyone was just ignoring me. Thing is, I can deal with being sad, I can deal with being suicidal, I can deal with being depressed but I can't deal with feeling alone or empty or numb. those three just make me want to die more than anythign ese, i can't even explain it erugh.

I've started smoking, basically I want to change everything about myself. i want to go out late drinking, I want to do drugs and dress like a slut. You may think its stupid but hoenstly, if you were to hate yoursef as much as I do you don't really care who you change into as logn as you're not you anymore. Maybe it will make me like myself? maybe it will make me get better? Maybe it will help me be a better person in some way? Long story short, I'm not doing any of that bc jazz said that if i did she would stop loving me h a h.

i giht add to this later on bye

This is my oath to you

okay so its 5:36am. I woke up at 4, watched skins and now i can't get back to sleep. My ear hurts like hell and I've run out of oj so I'm gonna blog. Right, I've been so stressed with school recently with having to pick options again and we were doing lots of tests and I've been poorly as well so its been even harder to concentrate on anything going on in the test so I'm gonna do shit, but thats okay, i already know i'm stupid. Today Jazz is in london with her grandparents, I want her to have a gr9 time, she deserves it. Mia is in france s we speak, probably sleeping. I hope she has wifi, I wouldn't want her to get sad and end up doing something silly and no be able to stop it from happening. I love all my friends and I couln't never cope with loosing any of them. not one.

Wherever you go just always remember

You gotta home for now and forever

And when you get low just call me whenever

this is my oath to you

I'm 10 days self harm free and I have recovered from my borderline bulimia. I'm really scared of it coming back because  I know if it does then its gonna be stronger and ore liking to develop more net time. I'm trying to stay positive but its hard because i've seen it happen to so many other people on twitter and it happened to Mia, I'm just really scared. In all honestly, I never wanted it to go and i still want it back but i'm too weak to get it back. I'm too weak to start purging all the time again, I'm too weak to cut everytime i binge and don't purge. I'm too weak for fasting. I'm too weak for all of that now, I'm just stuck 'getting better'.

idk im bored of blogging now
my ear hurts
my is tummy hurts probably bc im fat
im self-hating at 9am wow
lol todays gonna be shit
im alone all day
a l o n e

bye☺

Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//

ME

Oh look, Katies sad again. 

Oh look, Katies self hating again

Oh look, Kate wants to die again.

Oh look, Katie wants to tear her skin apart again

Oh look, it happens so much no-one cares anymore.

So basically, everyones got fed up of me. Everyones realise I'm always sad and chances are there isn't anything anyone can do about it. Jaz makes me better, Jazz always makes me happy, she good at that, you know? She hasn't gone yet, not quite yet. Shes gonna leave me soon though, I know she will. She will get fed up. Everyone does in the end. 

Cuts/Scars: 439[not enough]

Weight: 123lbs

Hight: 5'3

GW: 110lbs

UGW:100lbs

UGW2: 80lbs

bye