I remember my first cut, I was laying on my bed and then someone told me they had cut themselves. I remember thinking 'wow, wouldn't that hurt?' then when they told me how they done it and how it made them feel I thought 'Maybe that would make me feel better'. I stood up and walked over to my desk and picked up some scissors and used them to scratch at my hand. I felt a sudden release, kinda like an adrenalin rush. Thats when it started. Its not this persons fault. Mia blames herself for me starting this but I'm telling you now, this person wasn't her. From then on i done it for about a month then stopped for 2 months then I started again but it was worse this time. I would only cut on my left arm, never my wrist or legs because I was scared. As time when on it got worse and worse until I was cutting every day, it spread to my legs, tummy, hand, anywhere I had space. 2 months and 29 days ago I made my last cut. I consider myself a recovered self-harmer now. I hardly think about it, I never get urges and its hard to trigger me most of the time. I do show my scars, I am not ashamed. They are part of me and its in the past now.
I beat it, so can you.
Suicidal thoughts, well, where do I start. I can't remember the first time I really wanted to die. The first one I recall was when my mum had gone out to get drunk and I was home alone with Nigel. I was up in my bedroom, I walked downstairs, got a packet of ibprofen, went upstairs and took them. when i had none left, i went downstairs, put the empty packet on the side and wrote a note saying I'm sorry. Nigel found it and came upstairs and asked me what it was about, I told him i had 'done something stupid' and he called my mum and googled what he should do. My mum came home and gave me a hug but didn't really say anything. I can't remember what caused this attempt but whatever it was, I hate it. The suicidal thoughts have carried on and still haven't left. I am stronger now. I have attempted suicide about 18 times, I think but I can't remember the last time I did.
Bulimia, wow. I remember the first time I actually purged. I admit, I used to pretend I did, I was an attention seeker and I am sorry. I also admit, I was Pro-Mia and I did give myself an eating disorder and it was the worse decision I ever made. I can't remember the date but we had the whole family down for something. I ate a roll with chicken and mayo and then went upstairs and purged. I used a tooth brush because I didn't want to destroy my fingers. From then on I purged after most meals and I used to binge so I could purge. I don't now why, it seems so stupid thinking about it now. Why would I eat all of that if I hated eating then make myself throw it up? Did I like the feeling it gave me? I can't of. It just made me tired and gave me a sore throat. Anyway, I haven't purged in god knows how long, I haven't fasted in ages and ages.
I beat it, so can you.
I'm not saying I'm a really happy person now but I am saying I'm better. I still get suicidal, or often than not I want to die. I'm still sad most of the time but I don't make myself sick anymore and I don't self harm.
I have a few people I need to thank, honestly I wouldn't of done it without them. So thank you: Jazz, Jam, Mum, Chantelle, Alice, Mia, Eloise, Melissa, Emma, Mr. Sangstar, Oscar, Sue, Natalie, Jai, Chardae, Chelsea, Ashley, Millie and everyone else who has ever talked to me when I was sad, distracted me when I wanted to self-harm, looked after me when needed. Just, thank you.
I am strong
I am better
I am a warrior
<3
