Not you as well.

Well, Bristol was crap. Having to spend a week pretending I was happy and no just waiting for you to call em or to text me asking to meet up. When he did I thought maybe you would come then niether of you did. ngl, it broke my heart. I understand her not being able to see me but not you. I can't loose you as well. 

Looked through baby pictures, cried. I don't know why this has suddenly started to bother me. It didn't, for ages. But suddenly its become one of those things that I can't stop thinking about.

Meh, so many feels! I can't even blog anymore, I start writing about one thing then my mind breaks down.

hold on, onto me

I keep trying to write a post then getting confused by everything in my head, I'm meant to be happy, its my birthday soon&I should be happy, excited but I'm not, I'm worried. I'm worried about the amount of calories that are going to be in my birthday meal, I'm worried about it people will say stuff about my scars, I'm worried that an argument will start and we will get kick out or something, I'm worried that I'm going to have no-one to talk to. I will fast untill It come to my birthday meal or untill I have to eat. I haven't even told anyone about this, It has just been something I have had to deal with going on in my head, all the calorie counting, the guilt of eating and it feels like I have no-one I can talk to about it. I feel like i can't because everyone has there own stuff going on and they do. I know they do. I should be helping them but I can't because none of them want to talk to me about it. I used to have so many people I could open up to but now it feels like whoever I tell would judge me, call me an attention seeker. It has got to the point where I find it hard to be around people for too long because I will get upset and break down. If im talking t people on the internet then they won't know, I can pretend im alright, I can pretend im eating properly. All of this will be so much easier when I go to school because no matter where I am i can just say I have already eaten and no-one will know. 

I can't.

I just can't. I love him and of you can't get past that then, I guess you're right. We just can't be friends.

I was proud.

I was. I was genuinely proud of myself. Now I have ruined it. I killed the butterfly, I got more scars. Things were starting to look up you know? I was feeling better then this happened. It ruined everything. I know I'm a bad person, I know this is wrong but fuck it. You were keeping me going tbh. Now you have started this and I'm suddenly back at the beginning. Having to try and get back on my feet again. I dont know what this happens. Why can't I just be happy? Why does something have to ruin it and make me start again? Sam, I'm sorry, for you getting all this hate when I should be getting it. I'm sorry for giving you this idea. I'm just sorry and I love you.

But no-one cares anyway.

I just can't be alone..

Why isn't this getting better? I mean, I want to be happy but nothing is letting me.
You were keeping me going, now you;re gone. I don't understand why, I mean, I know that you have alot going on and you need to get back on your feet but I love you&I could of helped you. You said you want us to stay friends yet we haven't talked since it happened? I want to try and talk to you but if I do /i might be annoying you. I just don't want you to stop loving me, you said it like this was just a break but how long can a break last without talking and still be 'in love'.

Salvador, despite the fact that you have hurt me, I will still help you through this, I love you♥

For a little while I think I need to focus on myself and sorting myself out. That probably sound really selfish but I can't carry on this way. Things have to get better, FAST. For this reason I will give up on relationships, give up on making everyone else happy, just until I can smile, and mean it. But I'm sure that won't last, the miniute someone else is upset im going to try&help them and the second you're ready to take me back im going to give in. Oh well, fuck it, I would be happier with you anyway.

Most of that probably made no sense, oh well, idec. 

This is it.

I'm sorry to anyone who would actually care. I'm not doing this because of anyone I just can't carry on anymore.

                                                                         Goodbye.

I'm nothing anymore.

Oh fuck sake, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to do this, I'm slowly losing everyone. I can't cope. Its to hard. ARGHH.
You were like one of my best friends, I don't care if you're an animal, I loved you. To find out that you were gone killed me inside, it genuinly made me want to be sick. I remember that time, when I was 6 and I got int he cage with you and slept there with you, you were the best dog I have ever met. R.I.P Alfred♥

I don't even know anymore, I don't know how I feel, how you feel, what you want me to do, I don't know anything untill you tell me. I want to feel like I can trust you&Like you can trust me, is that too much to ask? I love you and I'm sorry that it has turned out this way. I'm sorry I forgot about that and if you don't like me being with him then just tell me&I will do something about it, for you. Just please, next time you feel like this, tell me? I care okay? I hope you feel the same..

Mia♥