This is my oath to you

okay so its 5:36am. I woke up at 4, watched skins and now i can't get back to sleep. My ear hurts like hell and I've run out of oj so I'm gonna blog. Right, I've been so stressed with school recently with having to pick options again and we were doing lots of tests and I've been poorly as well so its been even harder to concentrate on anything going on in the test so I'm gonna do shit, but thats okay, i already know i'm stupid. Today Jazz is in london with her grandparents, I want her to have a gr9 time, she deserves it. Mia is in france s we speak, probably sleeping. I hope she has wifi, I wouldn't want her to get sad and end up doing something silly and no be able to stop it from happening. I love all my friends and I couln't never cope with loosing any of them. not one.

Wherever you go just always remember

You gotta home for now and forever

And when you get low just call me whenever

this is my oath to you

I'm 10 days self harm free and I have recovered from my borderline bulimia. I'm really scared of it coming back because  I know if it does then its gonna be stronger and ore liking to develop more net time. I'm trying to stay positive but its hard because i've seen it happen to so many other people on twitter and it happened to Mia, I'm just really scared. In all honestly, I never wanted it to go and i still want it back but i'm too weak to get it back. I'm too weak to start purging all the time again, I'm too weak to cut everytime i binge and don't purge. I'm too weak for fasting. I'm too weak for all of that now, I'm just stuck 'getting better'.

idk im bored of blogging now
my ear hurts
my is tummy hurts probably bc im fat
im self-hating at 9am wow
lol todays gonna be shit
im alone all day
a l o n e

bye☺

Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife

fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//stupid//sad//fat//ugly//

ME

Oh look, Katies sad again. 

Oh look, Katies self hating again

Oh look, Kate wants to die again.

Oh look, Katie wants to tear her skin apart again

Oh look, it happens so much no-one cares anymore.

So basically, everyones got fed up of me. Everyones realise I'm always sad and chances are there isn't anything anyone can do about it. Jaz makes me better, Jazz always makes me happy, she good at that, you know? She hasn't gone yet, not quite yet. Shes gonna leave me soon though, I know she will. She will get fed up. Everyone does in the end. 

Cuts/Scars: 439[not enough]

Weight: 123lbs

Hight: 5'3

GW: 110lbs

UGW:100lbs

UGW2: 80lbs

bye

bye

I want to leave a note. I don't want to post it on twitter, I don't want anyone to know until its too late which is why I'm posting it on here. I need to say bye but I don't want anyone to stop me. I want people to understand that this is what i want, its all I want now.

Mum: goodbye mum. I'm sorry that all of this work that has gone into tryign to make me 'better' has been a waste. I'm sorry I have made things harder for you and this is why its for the ebst that I am gone. You have to remember that this is what I want. Me being here is making everything alot worse for everyone and I'm sorry. I love you, stay happy.

Ethan&Kim: Okay, hi guys. Kim, I doubt you'll ever remember me. I hope you grow up forgetting that I was even even here because you deserve happiness more than anything. I love you, beautiful. Have a good life okay? Do what you want, be free and never be sad with the way you lok because you are perfect. Ethan, you might remember me when you're older but hopefully this won't make a big impact on your life. You've never really known me it will just be like a friend moving away and now coming back. I love you, be happy and never ler anyone tell you anything that isn't that you're perfect.

Nigel&Andy&Tony: Nigel, don't blame yourself for this. I know you probably won't btu if you do then stop. You've enver really understood but I hope now that I'm gona you will realise how sad i was in life and that its better for me this way. Look after mum, don't let her be sad. Make sure she remembers I am happier now and this is what I have wanted for so long. Andy, the same for you. Don't blame yourself, none of this was your fault. I know you won't be sad and if you are then you'll get over it. Stop the drugs, stop everythng. get your life back on track and if you feel like you have no motivation then think of me. Having a real dad who cared probably would've saved me at least a tiny bit. But thank you for being there when you were. Tony, I'm not going to even pretend you'll care. stay happy

Auntie Josie&Uncle richard: Auntie Josie, don't feel like you could've saved me. You tried your hardest and I respect you so much for that. I'm really proud of you for getting through everything thats been going on, you deserve the best and I hope things are sorting themselves out for you at least a bit. Carry on with your life and normal and just remember I am happy now. Uncle Richard, I'm so proud of you. You have done so much with your life its fab. Carry on, don't get sad about me going, just smile and get on with things:)

Lucy: Hi Lucy, I don't know why i'm writing you a bit as i doubt you really care that much. We haven't know each other very long, we didn't start out very well but its all good now. Stay strong and happy, okay? Look after Jazz and anyone else that might get upset.

Jam: I'm sorry. Jam, you are beautiful, skinny and none of the bad thigns you say about yourself. stay happy, look after anyone who needs it. Eat, stop cutting, do it all for me, yeah? I love you, stay strong.

Alice: Hi Alice. This si gonna be one of the hardest ones to write. Thank you so much, you've helped me one million and I'm sorry that I don't say that enough. I love you, you are pretty and you are skinny and you are none of the bad things you say about yourself. You deserve to be happy and one day I'm sure you will be, you just need to fight it. fight it for me if not for anyone else. I knwo you don't want to get better but you should, you deserve to stop cutting and start eating properly. You deserve to live a happy life and now I'm not here for you to have to look after. ily stay strong

Chloe: Right, okay, idek how I'm going to write this btu I need to say it anyway. I'm sorry, I knwo you say I shouldn't blame myself but its hard when you have been told its your fault. You shouldn'e be liek this you used to be so happy, WE used to be so happy. You need to get better, you need to stop cutting. chloe you are perfect and you need to see that. I love you, don't be sad that I'm gone, be happy that now you don't have to look after me and that I am also happy now. I love you and I'm sorry

Mia: I'v left this oen till near the bottom because I know how hard it will be. I'm sorry I make you so sad, I' sorry you get sad at all. I wish I could've helped you more, I wish I could've made things better for you before I went but you don't need me anymore. You have everyone else, everyone loves you and just want you to be happy. You are skinny, you are beautiful, you are smart and kind. You are none of the things you say about yourself, okay? i know you won't believe me but why would I lie if I'm just about to die? I love you so much, carry on your life as normal, be happy, stay with euan, let him help you. Pretend I was never even here, goodbye, Mia.

Jazz: Okay, I've left this oen till last ebcause I've been dreading it for so long. I need to to know that I'm doing this for me. It says in my rules to be selfish, so I am. You don't need me as much as you think you do, you can make more friends, they will look after you and make you happy. I'm sorry I'm leaving, I know I promised I wouldn't but I can't do it anymore. I've gotten alot worse lately and its killing me. I no longer feel alive unless I'm with you. I doubt this will work, but if it does know that I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you want to die, not ever. I'm sorry i wrote that blog post, I can tell you're still upset about it and I'm so fucking sorry. i knwo you don't believe me but you are perfect. You have been my only reason to stay for so long but now all the bad things have overpowed it and I jsut can't cope anymore. None of this was your fault, remeber that, oaky? You are skinny, You are pretty, you are smart, you are kind, you are perfectly weird, you are funny, you are cute, You are perfect. I'm not sure what else there is to say other than thank you, you have helped me through all of this btu now its jsut got too much. I'm sorry, I love you so much. Never forget me, yeah?



Okay so, I know this probably won't work, I mean, it never does and I'm sorry if I've put you through alot of stress tonight just to still be here in the morning. No-one do anything silly, okay? stay strong, all of you. I am happier now knowing that this could be my last ngith suffering. I don't expect one million people to care like they did for Mia, I don't expect that at all. I don't expect anyone to care int he morning, if i'm still here. It will jsut be another normal, shitty day.

So I'm sorry, I love you all, goodbye.
Katie, the one that committed suicide.

I won't kiss you, because the hardest part of this is leaving you

Hi I'm suicidal, again.

It feels like I'm running out of reasons to stay

Everything that is keeping me here would be somewhat happier if I was gone

Jazz wouldn't have to deal with me getting sad

Mia wouldn't miss me

Alice could just focus on her other friends

Jam wouldn't have to talk to me in the hall

Lucy wouldn't have to pretend to like me
Chloe wouldn't have to worry about me
Chloe wouldn't be cutting
Chloe would be living a happy life
e v e r y o n e would be better of in some way without me

I guess thats what hurts the most

Not that I'm fat

ugly

stupid

worthless

and attention seeker

suicidal

fat

fat

fat

FAT

but that everyone would be happier if i was dead

gone

buried

everyone wants me dead

but thats cool because

i do too

Am I that girl?

Me: I wasn't in education for about a month and a half so

Danni: how come?

Me: the doctor said SLA was making me ill so i had to be homeschooled but i didn't do it

Danni: Ill? what like, you got depressed and stopped eating?

Me: Yeah, pretty much. how did you guess that wut

Danni: You can tell, you're really skinny

Okay, what? This made mt think so much. Its not like me and Danni are friends, its not like she HAS to say this so, what if its true? What if what I see isn't what I really am? What if I am skinny but I just can't see it and the only person really lying about the way i look, is me? Its stupid how much this made me think, i was thinking about it all through maths. Danni also saw me cut today, i feel really bad. 'i knew you seemed different'  No, I'm not different. I am normal, I am fine. So, now I really worried I have BDD or something like that. you've probaby seen the picture, of a really skinny girl looking in the mirror and just seeing hersef, but fat? everyones seen it.. I worried that I am that girl, that I look like that but no-one is telling me. anyone someone tried i just deny it. Am I that girl?

'So, how are things going for you?'

How are things going for me? Things are going terrible. I haven't been truely happy snce yesterday afternoon. I thought things were getting better, i thought I was climbing out of this black never ending hole that surrounds me but no. Things are getting worse again, I'm falling back down and I can't stop it. I know you're probably thinking 'well its only been since yesterday' but no. I've been sinking further and further down for a while now but i've been hanging onto the end with my fignernails but now i'm letting go. 

I'm falling

And no-one is saving me..

no-one can ever change this animal I have become

Not good at doing a blog post, I'm not good at alot of things, actually. I've moved to helenswood, its okay. I like the school in general and the teachers are nice. Its weird like, I actually have friends there and they actually want me there, it makes everything alot easier just knowing i can go to school and see Jazz and everyone and actually be happy. The only real problem is that I'm not in jazz's classes so that makes things quite hard because not good with new people. In PE i got told someone was talking about me and things like that really effect me, like more than anything. It was like and automatic trigger and i just started getting voices in my head telling me its because I'm hat and ugly and they all hate me already and I was just breaking down so when we went back to the changing rooms i cut in the toilets. I needed that release.

I'm too lazy to put song lyrics between the paragraphs today. Not long ago I realise that I don't have a friend who isn't depressed. Honestly, I don't mind it but when you just need someone to cheer you up its hard because chances are everyone else is sad. tbh I just want to make them happy, if I could take away all the sadness and self hatred out of there lives and put it all on me, i would do it. They all deserve to be happy, I don't. I deserve everything i've got.[jazz, alice, mia, mia, jai, chelsea, chardae, starla, and anyone elsew who i may have forgotten who is sad ever]

Recovery is a thing I'm trying again. I failed last time, I probably will this time too. I don't want to write too much about it bc if i think about it too much i will change my mind again. I have thrown away my blades and i'm trying to eat properly and not purge it. honestly, there is no point in recover if im not even ill but yahknow. 

Forever a mayday parade fangirl

bye lol

We're the perfect two

Do you know what its like, to have the thing that keeps you going taken away? I know, I know its only a week but it felt like so much longer. The first couple of days i was alright then it started to hit me just how much i miss her and how much i need her. Its been gradually getting harder but today she sent me loads of links to a ship and all of the gifs and pictures reminded me of her and now i miss her more than i ever have. Its like a feeling in my stomach, a bit like butterflies but different. Its like, a feeling of guilt but having nothing to be guilty about, like a mixture between butterflies, guilt and sadness.  I need her, I need her more than anything ever. Its weird how dependant you become on someone, the feeling that if they were to leave you, you would have no real reason to stay alive because whats the point if they're not there to live it with you? Every night of this holiday I have wanted to go home to be with her, I really hate it. I just need to be with her, i can't do not being with her but I haven't showed that. I want her to think i'm strong even without her but i'm not. I know she is struggling so i want to show her that we can be okay without each other but truth is, i'm not okay. I hate it when i'm not with her, i worry 24/7, i cry because i get scared she is talking to Lucy, falling for Lucy again. I need her, with me, all the time. 

I am Kathryn March and I am in love with Jazmin Wolfe.