I won't kiss you, because the hardest part of this is leaving you

Hi I'm suicidal, again.

It feels like I'm running out of reasons to stay

Everything that is keeping me here would be somewhat happier if I was gone

Jazz wouldn't have to deal with me getting sad

Mia wouldn't miss me

Alice could just focus on her other friends

Jam wouldn't have to talk to me in the hall

Lucy wouldn't have to pretend to like me
Chloe wouldn't have to worry about me
Chloe wouldn't be cutting
Chloe would be living a happy life
e v e r y o n e would be better of in some way without me

I guess thats what hurts the most

Not that I'm fat

ugly

stupid

worthless

and attention seeker

suicidal

fat

fat

fat

FAT

but that everyone would be happier if i was dead

gone

buried

everyone wants me dead

but thats cool because

i do too

Am I that girl?

Me: I wasn't in education for about a month and a half so

Danni: how come?

Me: the doctor said SLA was making me ill so i had to be homeschooled but i didn't do it

Danni: Ill? what like, you got depressed and stopped eating?

Me: Yeah, pretty much. how did you guess that wut

Danni: You can tell, you're really skinny

Okay, what? This made mt think so much. Its not like me and Danni are friends, its not like she HAS to say this so, what if its true? What if what I see isn't what I really am? What if I am skinny but I just can't see it and the only person really lying about the way i look, is me? Its stupid how much this made me think, i was thinking about it all through maths. Danni also saw me cut today, i feel really bad. 'i knew you seemed different'  No, I'm not different. I am normal, I am fine. So, now I really worried I have BDD or something like that. you've probaby seen the picture, of a really skinny girl looking in the mirror and just seeing hersef, but fat? everyones seen it.. I worried that I am that girl, that I look like that but no-one is telling me. anyone someone tried i just deny it. Am I that girl?

'So, how are things going for you?'

How are things going for me? Things are going terrible. I haven't been truely happy snce yesterday afternoon. I thought things were getting better, i thought I was climbing out of this black never ending hole that surrounds me but no. Things are getting worse again, I'm falling back down and I can't stop it. I know you're probably thinking 'well its only been since yesterday' but no. I've been sinking further and further down for a while now but i've been hanging onto the end with my fignernails but now i'm letting go. 

I'm falling

And no-one is saving me..

no-one can ever change this animal I have become

Not good at doing a blog post, I'm not good at alot of things, actually. I've moved to helenswood, its okay. I like the school in general and the teachers are nice. Its weird like, I actually have friends there and they actually want me there, it makes everything alot easier just knowing i can go to school and see Jazz and everyone and actually be happy. The only real problem is that I'm not in jazz's classes so that makes things quite hard because not good with new people. In PE i got told someone was talking about me and things like that really effect me, like more than anything. It was like and automatic trigger and i just started getting voices in my head telling me its because I'm hat and ugly and they all hate me already and I was just breaking down so when we went back to the changing rooms i cut in the toilets. I needed that release.

I'm too lazy to put song lyrics between the paragraphs today. Not long ago I realise that I don't have a friend who isn't depressed. Honestly, I don't mind it but when you just need someone to cheer you up its hard because chances are everyone else is sad. tbh I just want to make them happy, if I could take away all the sadness and self hatred out of there lives and put it all on me, i would do it. They all deserve to be happy, I don't. I deserve everything i've got.[jazz, alice, mia, mia, jai, chelsea, chardae, starla, and anyone elsew who i may have forgotten who is sad ever]

Recovery is a thing I'm trying again. I failed last time, I probably will this time too. I don't want to write too much about it bc if i think about it too much i will change my mind again. I have thrown away my blades and i'm trying to eat properly and not purge it. honestly, there is no point in recover if im not even ill but yahknow. 

Forever a mayday parade fangirl

bye lol

We're the perfect two

Do you know what its like, to have the thing that keeps you going taken away? I know, I know its only a week but it felt like so much longer. The first couple of days i was alright then it started to hit me just how much i miss her and how much i need her. Its been gradually getting harder but today she sent me loads of links to a ship and all of the gifs and pictures reminded me of her and now i miss her more than i ever have. Its like a feeling in my stomach, a bit like butterflies but different. Its like, a feeling of guilt but having nothing to be guilty about, like a mixture between butterflies, guilt and sadness.  I need her, I need her more than anything ever. Its weird how dependant you become on someone, the feeling that if they were to leave you, you would have no real reason to stay alive because whats the point if they're not there to live it with you? Every night of this holiday I have wanted to go home to be with her, I really hate it. I just need to be with her, i can't do not being with her but I haven't showed that. I want her to think i'm strong even without her but i'm not. I know she is struggling so i want to show her that we can be okay without each other but truth is, i'm not okay. I hate it when i'm not with her, i worry 24/7, i cry because i get scared she is talking to Lucy, falling for Lucy again. I need her, with me, all the time. 

I am Kathryn March and I am in love with Jazmin Wolfe.

yup i needed my plans written down

okay you don't need to read this i just need my plans written down somewhere

19th: CAMHS, packing
20th: School shopping, more packing, sleeping round jazz's
21st: School, leaving for bristol
22nd: bristol
23rd: Bristol
24th: Bristol
25th: Bristol
26th: Bristol
27th: come home, pick up jazz, sleepover
28th go to nana pats in the morning, nana t's at 3
-free from then on-

You pull me aside when something ain't right, talk to me now and into the night

So, I start helenswood on Friday. Its a mufti day so idek what i'm gonna wear but thats not the point of this blog post. Mia, I'm sorry that this upsets you. I didn't think it would, i thought by now you would've got used to it. I tried to talk to you and send you a big message and stuff but i'm pretty sure I made it worse, I'm good at that. Anyway, I'm sorry but this is just the way it is now and everything else i had to say i said in the text. I know how selfish this sounds and I know this might annoy you but please be happy for me? I mean, I'm stuggling with this whole change thing enough on its own I really can't handle making sure you're okay about it as well. I don't have the strength anymore to make sure everyone else is okay with this. I just need to sort all of this out for me first then I will start with everyone else. Anyway, I'm sorry and please be happy for me, I need you to be. We will stay friends,I promise.

You're a true friends,

You're here till the end,

(miley cyus bc yolo)

I'm 9 days cut free you know? I'm starting to stuggle now but I'm trying my hardest, I really am. Its just hard with everything else going on and I get so stressed and I just need that release but I know that I can't. Well, I could but I don't want to let Jazz or anyone down. Thats who I'm doing this for, Jazz, my Auntie, my Mum and Mia. I know that even if ia doesn't talk to me about it much, she cares and wants me too get better so I'm trying. My goal is to stay clean until after I get back from my holiday, that would be good. Its scary that I might actually be getting better. I mean, I know its only 9 days but its better than nothing, right?

I'm fighting

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars?

I don't know what this is gonna be about sigh, probably Helenswood, eating and friends. Yup sounds good. LETS DO THIS SHIT.

Okay so, i got a place at Helendwood and that really scares me. I know everyone will hate me there. I really wanted to start new, you know? I wanted to be able to be normal, i didn't want everyone to know I cut, I didn't want anyone to know about my twitter, I didn't want anyone to know how sad I get and how much i hate myself but its too late for that. I can do it, I'm sure I can. I can go there, I can smile and eat, I can not cut in the toilets. I don't want to upset jazz while I'm there so I will eat and just purge it if i need too. I'll try not to cut there. I'm sure I won't because Jazz will be there, jazz will know if I'm gonna cut. Thats another thing that scares me, I kinda used SLA as a way of fasting and cutting without worrying about being found but I won't be able to do that there. Well, bring on net monday sigh.

This is another test

which I would fail and at my best , oh

always ending the same

Okay so, I was trying to get better. I am trying to get better but its so fucking hard. Daily I consider just giving up because skinny is everything I want at the moment. Every ngiht I tell myself I will fast tomorrow but I never do. I need skinny but I need to make Jazz proud. Today my thigh gap came, but its too small. Its needs to be bigger and one day i'll get there even if its when I'm older and I do it a healthy way. 

bored fo blogging ok bai