I'll pick your feet up off of the ground and never ever let you down

I can't handle this anymore. I have so many feelings and no idea why any of them are there. It was so nice talking to you, I can't But its made me miss you even more&its made me think about things more and I know that you say its not my fault but I will always think it is.

My mind is a warrior 

My heart is a foreigner 

My eyes are the colour of red like a sunset

I've started purging more and that scares me. I feel like everyone expected it so no-one really cares. I want to tell my group or someone about it because I don't want to end up being Bulimic, I really don't but I'm scared I might be too late. Today I have purged 4 times. 4. Nothing ive eaten stays in because I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to eat. I'm too fat. I'm disgusting. I'm getting so much worse than I was before and that really scares me but right now I'm not thinking about what it could do to my insides or anything I just want skinny. I crave perfection and if I die trying at least I know I died at least close to skinny.

Be a true heart not a follower

We're not done yet

I threw them away again. I wish I didn't, I know I'm gonna end up getting more and I'm just gonna let everyone down, I know it. That scares me alot because I hate letting people down, like, I hate it more than I hate myself. I want to be strong, I want to be able to wear shorts and roll up my sleeves at home. I'm just fed up of being this way but nothing is going away. A year and 3/4 is enough, I can't live this way anymore. I'm not strong enough.

Your hand fits in mine like its made just for me..

I was so close to doing it tonight, so close. I'm still not sure if I'm happy things have turned out the way they have or not. Jazz took the tablets from my draw and replaced it with a note. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here now. This will probably be a short post but the whole thing will be about how much i love jazz so stop reading now if you don't want to read that.

Okay, I can't even explain just how much I love Jazz. I mean, I never expected to fall for her as much as I have. ngl i still remember when we started to like eachother when we were cuddling while watching friends in your bedroom. Everything was perfect, I think that was one of the times I was really happy, a time when I wouldn't of choose to die if I could do it without hurting anyone. Thats just how I feel when im with her, it feels like nothing can go wrong, like if she's there then I'm safe from everything. ofc, the voices are still there the people are still there but it feels like they can't get me. Its just when im alone. I have the relationship with her like I had with Nathan but 1000x better. All I've ever said is that I want the relationship I had with him with a different person and now i have that but its even better. There isn't any of those flaws you get in relationships, everything is just perfect. She is perfect. WE are perfect.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk

I'm awake at 6:17am, crying. I don't have school, I have no real reason to be crying. I just didn't want to wake up. I was hoping I would just die in  my sleep butI haven't and I have to face another day licing in this hell. I don't deserve to live, I'm too fat, too ugly, too stupid. I was a mistake, mum never wanted to have me&I wish she never did. Nigel  doesn't want me, no-one does anymore. i'm a l o n e. I won't cut, I won't try to commit, one day I will but not today. Today I wil smile, I will pretend that I am happy just so I don't hurt anyone any longer. I want to say sorry, to everyone I have ever hrt but that is too many people to say sorry too. All I've ever really done is hurt people.

I cannot cry because 

I know thats weakness in your eyes

One night. It was only gone for one night now you're back in my head again. I know to everyone else it seems like im making a massive deal out of this but its hard, for me. I know, Mia had it 100x worse and of course, if I could make them go away for her I would but I can't. It won't go away, the dreams that you are coming back. They make me so scared that you actually will. I know most people that were in our group have forgotten about it but it still hurts me. I still think about it everyday and you don't even know. I panic everytime I go out that you might of moved back down here, or come to visit and that I will see you. If I did see you, I wouldn't say or do anything I would cry. I can't live like this anymore, You really messed me up..

Gravity, don't mean to much to me

School

Well, the school problem is sorted. I don't know if I'm happy about it, i don't know how i feel about it tbh. ofc I'm happy that i don't have to go there anymore but im upset that I'm being homeschooled for a while. I don't want to be different. I can't help but feel like everyone is happy im gone, I mean, I know Emma, Eloise and Charlotte aren't but other than that nobody seems to care. I want people to care that I won't be there. Right now there is nothing I want more than to go to Helanswood, to be with Jazz everyday, to feel normal.

Tablets

I'm scared these tablets are going to make me worse, I'm scared that I will loose contorl and take too many and mum will know because she's the one that has to give me them. I don't trust myself.

 CAMHS

I got the letter form CAMHS about my assessment  turns out it wasn't for me to get diagnosed with anything they just put everything i said into a letter, again. FUK U CAMHS U R A POO. I'm only going the this therapy thing is to get a letter sent to Helenswood.

This post was set out a bit different but now i've run out of things to write bc im actually in a decent mood ish.

My day;

I woke up in a shit mood and got all my stuff ready. Sophie picked me up and was fine with me, she didnt ask about Sam but she did make me feel like she was judging me because of my school changing. I got to school and stood with Charlotte and Eloise until Mia got there then we have the box to Euan and stood and talking so that was fine. Then I got to form and Emma wasn't in there and we has assemblerly. I had someone kick the back of my chair loads and say 'is her face as ugly as her hair?' Then I went to business. Sophie sat with Megan, I was in my own and I had no clue what was going on so, I cried. Then it was maths, I pretended to w happy so I didn't upset Eloise and I managed to do that. I don't understand it so I didn't so it. Then it was break and I was in a alright mood and I wasn't going to cut. Then mum told me I MIGHT have to be home schooled for a while and that upset me so I went to the toilets and cut. While I was people came in and saw there was someone in the toilet. They were kicking the doer and stuff. I didn't see who it was. Then I had double Heath and social, I managed to start my assessment and stuff but then I couldn't print out the pictures so I couldn't so it. Then Me.Sangstar came and got me and told me that I could do lessons that make me sad on my own in a different room so, I'm trying that. Then at lunch I was happy but I rly wanted to cut, I didn't. In English we were sponging drawing and everyone's was so much better than mine, it always is. Then I walked Eloise to the bus stop and then walked home through filsham. Now I have to have an appointment with my targeted youth support worker then a doctors appointment. Wish me luck-_-

My day tomorrow;

Tomorrow, I will wake up in a shit mood because I will know I will have to go to this hell. I will get all of my stuff ready and decide what blade to take in. I will wait for Sophie and when she gets there she will ask me why I said she chose sam over me, i know she will. I will reply; 'thats how it feels' we will get to school and she will walk away. I will try and find Mia but she won't be there yet so I will stand on my own until Elooise comes. I will give her a hug and I will pretend I'm okay. Then Mia will get to school and I might cheer up a bit or I will just keep myself to myself and not talk to anyone. I will realise its time for form and I will sit on my won reading my book and listening to Emmas and Sams conversation and Emma will talk to me about Salvador and I won't listen. Miss will say 'Time for class' and my heart will start to beat really fast. I will go up to buissness and depending on what happens inthe morning Sophie might take to me or she will ignore me. We will have to learn stuff and I won't know whats going on;I will cry. I will then go to Maths. everyone will be laughing at me for having such a red face and they will ask me questions. The I will sit down, on a table with everyone I hate and they will mock me, as usual and i will pretend to ignore it. I won't understand the work, i never do. I will go to break and I will meet Mia, I won't show I'm upset but after about 5 minuites I will say I'm going to the toilet and I will hope she won't follow me. I will got and hide and wait for everyone to leave before I cut as much as I can, just to make myself feel better. I will cover it up and go back to Mia, if I have time. I will hope she won't mention it because she will know what I have been doing. I will try not to cry any more. I will check my timetable and I will realise I have health and social and I will cry a bit more. I will go in and sit in my seat, hoping soeone notices and asks me if I'm okay. Everyone will notice, no-one will care. I won'tlisten or so anything because I won't nderstand. I will end up walking out to my form tutor and asking hr if I could stay with her. She will leave me inthe room and I will try and clean up my arm a bit and after a while, just before the end of class I will go to lunch. I will want someone to noticeI'm upset and hug me but I won't want anyone to ask why. Secretly, I would be wishing someone would pull up my sleeves and tell me too stop because I'm ebtter than the blade. Depending on how it goes, I might cut at unch too. The it will be English, I will do it, she will shout at me because my assessment wont be good enough.then I will walk home, either on my own or with mia, I will try to smile so I don't get her down.

I will do another post tomorrow saying if this happened.

when you're alone, do you think of me?

'you to are like sisters,no-one could ever come between you'

Well they are fucking trying. I understand why, I mean, if I was the I wouldn't want someone who caused there child to ruin there body to see her either. I know she has said it isn't my fault but, it is. I will always feel like it is because you said it was. YOU. I hate this, I hate that this is playing such a big part in my life. I wish I never told anyone, it would of been better for everyone that way. You wouldn't of found out, I would have no-one trying to stop me and I could just die and no-one would be worried about it. I'm going to see you at Christmas, you promised. I will hug you and never let go. I will probably cry on you because of how guilty I will feel. im sorry for ruining you.

I won't give up on us,

Even if the skies rough

I'm giving you all my love

Still looking up

School on Monday, I think we go back on wee 2 as well so TRIPLE FUCKING HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE. First&second lesson I will sit and do nothing and Third hopefully I won't be there because im trying to get half days back. I HATE that im not strong enough to go to school, its horrible. I will take my blades in, I will try not to use them but I will take them just incase I do need them. life= a pile of poo.

*insert some sort of song lyric*

Mia is sleeping round tomorrow, that should be good. ngl, im scared. I'm scared of getting sad, im scared of us running out of things to talk about or getting bored. I'm gonna buy some enurgy drink so I will stay awake. I want it to be like old times, I want to forget everything that is bad and I want things to be good again. Like she was sayign the other day; when me and Nathan broke up for a night I didn't have to fake a smile because I was with her. Anyway, it will be good okay? We can stay up all ngith taing pictures but it will be with phones bc lost my camera lol. 

Okay bai bai..